


There's a meme for that

by phoenixsky



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU: voldemort is dead, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone Is Gay, Except Ron, F/F, F/M, Genderfluid Character, Humor, I try??????, M/M, Quidditch Mom Draco Malfoy, Trans Character, a mess, challenge: how many memes can i include in this mess, he's our gay ally, i decided that needs to be a tag, i forgot about her tbh sorry, more plot than intended, that tag sounds weird, the teachers are TIRED, tracy davis doesn't exits????
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 27,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14523726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixsky/pseuds/phoenixsky
Summary: Spiderhuman: I can’t believe we’re actually doing thisTiredofyourshit: Prof. McGonagall was correct when she said that this will help strengthen house unity, or at least it could, so everyone please give this a chance :) :)Spiderhuman: …. Yea noSpiderhumanhas left the chatBlondBitchaddedSpiderhumanto the chatSpiderhuman: Top Ten Anime Betrayals





	1. A MESS™

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know guys this is the love child of Avoiding Adult Responsibilites and Way Too Many BNHA Chat Fics
> 
> This is an AU where for some reason they all have cell phones, know about modern memeing and Harry defeated Voldie in fifth year. They are now in sixth year and everything is a mess.

**Tiredofyourshit** _added_ **ILivedBitch** , **CannonBALLS** , **Knockyourwood** _and 10+ others to_ **GryffsSlyths Group Chat**

**Spiderhuman:** I can’t believe we’re actually doing this

**Tiredofyourshit:** Prof. McGonagall was correct when she said that this will help strengthen house unity, or at least it could, so everyone please give this a chance :) :)

**Spiderhuman:** …. Yea no

**Spiderhuman** _has left the chat_

**BlondBitch** _added_ **Spiderhuman** _to the chat_

**Spiderhuman:** Top Ten Anime Betrayals

**BlondBitch:** I suffer, you suffer, bitch

**ExcuseYOU:** The second smiley makes it sound vaguely passive aggressive, Granger

**Tiredofyourshit** : :) :) :)

**ILivedBitch:** oh shit

**CannonBALLS:** oH s h IT

**CannonBALLS:** H ur closer to the ktchen, get her food

**ILivedBitch:** she’s your gf though

**CannonBALLS:** she’s ur platonic gf tho

**ILivedBitch:** ….

**ILivedBitch:** true

**GossipQueen:** already I must thank our mother for this source of pure gold

**IfFoundReturnToDean:** MOTHER ???????

**KeepHim:** omg

**IfFoundReturnToDean:** asdasfsag CANCELLED

**Spiderhuman:** show respect for your mother

**Stardust:** you are slytherins though?

**Stardust:** why is she your mother as well???

**ExcuseYOU:** are you taking our mother from us?

**Spiderhuman:** disgusting blocked reported

**Thefirstone:** get away from my gf smh

**ILivedBitch:** I say we can share Minnie with the Slyths

**GossipQueen:** M I N N I E

**Muffin #1:** No

**Muffin #2:** Yes

**Muffin #1:** … yes?

**Muffin #2:** Yes.

**Muffin #1:** …. Yes.

**Fuckoffimreading:** it’s decided

**Spiderhuman:** THEO

**GossipQueen:** thEO you ARE ALIVE

**ExcuseYOU:** m y c h i l d

**BlondBitch:** *deep inhale* BOI

**Fuckoffimreading:** y’all can fuk off

**Fuckoffimreading:** every time I go to the library u pull this shit

**Tiredofyourshit:** is Nott the son of Malfoy and Greengrass?

**ExcuseYOU:** yes

**CannonBALLS:** why tho

**BlondBitch:** because fuck Nott Sr.

**Spiderhuman:** fuck Nott Sr.

**GossipQueen:** fuck Nott Sr.

**ExcuseYOU:** fuck Nott Sr.

**Muffin #2:** fuck Nott Sr.

**Muffin #1:** fuck Nott Sr..

**AngryCat:** fuck Nott Sr.

**Thefirstone:** understandable

**Thefirstone:** also _@AngryCat_ is that a mix of Angry Bird and Grumpy Cat????

**AngryCat:** yes

**Tiredofyourshit:** mood

**ILivedBitch:** big mood

**BlondBitch** : quick question _@thefirstone_ wtf is a fir stone

**BlondBitch** : like did you want it to say fire stone???

**Thefirstone** : …. No …..

**Stardust** : her username is the first one

**BlondBitch** : that makes significantly more sense

**GossipQueen** : why first one tho

**Thefirstone** : bc I’m the older twin

**Thefirstone** : and my one purpose in life is to remind padma of this

**ExcuseYOU** : petty

**ExcuseYOU** : I like it

**ILivedBitch** : why is Malfoy so much more nice in this chat than irl

**BlondBitch** : ‘more nice’ Potter you are truly embracing the stupid at this point

**BlondBitch:** also I don’t have to see your ugly hair so…. improvement

**Tiredofyourshit** : Harry was thinking of growing it long actually

**BlondBitch** : ….

**BlondBitch:** bye

**BlondBitch** _has left the chat_

**ILivedBitch** : wow

**ILivedBitch** : surely it wouldn’t look THAT bad

**Spiderhuman** : what did y’all do to Draco he’s screaming in his pillow again

**GossipQueen** : whose fault do you think it is

**Spiderhuman** : point

**Spiderhuman** : _@ILivedBitch_ what did u do

**ILivedBitch** : wHY ME

**Fuckoffimreading** : whith Draco it’s always you

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : all that reading and you still can’t write

**Fuckoffimreading** : r u d e

**Fuckoffimreading** _added_ **BlondBitch** _to the chat_

**Fuckoffimreading** : mom they’re bullying me

**BlondBitch** : I

**BlondBitch** : will kill a bitch

**ExcuseYOU** : draco no

**Spiderhuman** : draco y e s

**Spiderhuman** : avenge your sweet demi son

**CannonBALLS** : I am CONFUSED

**CannonBALLS** : why is Malfoy the mom???

**GossipQueen** : because it’s true

**ExcuseYOU** : bc Draco is a Big. Gay. Mood

**Tiredofthisshit** : this chat is a mess™

**Stardust** : what kind though

**Thefirstone** : a gay one

**Stardust** : that’s fair

**GossipQueen** : just wanna say that long hair would look great on _@ILivedBitch_

**ILivedBitch** : I can’t sense sarcasm through these messages, so I will cautiously thank you

**GossipQueen** : dw sarcasm is cancelled for tonight

**Spiderhuman** : did u just say I’m cancelled

**Knockyourwood** : sweet circe what the fuck

**Knockyourwood** : I’m minding my own business in the greenhouse like the good fucking person I am

**Knockyourwood** : with no reception

**Knockyourwood** : and I get back here and my cell phone turns into a goddamn vibrator

**ExcuseYOU** : sakbdasdalsbfd

**Spiderhuman** : I have descended into heaven

**Spiderhuman** : heaven is as gay as I hoped it was

**Tiredofyourshit** : THIS CHAT WAS A MISTAKE

**Tiredofyourshit** : YOU ARE ALL CANCELLED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username Guide:
> 
> GRYFFS  
> Harry – ILivedBitch  
> Ron – CannonBALLS  
> Hermione – tiredofyourshit  
> Neville – knockyourwood  
> Seamus – IfFoundReturnToDean  
> Dean – KeepHim  
> Lavender – Stardust  
> Parvati – thefirstone
> 
> SLYTHS  
> Draco – BlondBitch  
> Blaise – Spiderhuman  
> Crabbe – Muffin #1  
> Goyle – Muffin #2  
> Theo – fuckoffimreading  
> Pansy – GossipQueen  
> Daphne – ExcuseYOU  
> Millicent – AngryCat
> 
>  
> 
> Next chapter will probably be up on saturday because while this group chat is not actually cancelled, my sense of responsibility and common sense priority setting have been cancelled for quite some time now.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this, post a comment with your favourite shitpost or meme and maybe these children will have to suffer through them in future chapters.


	2. Dumblebro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Spiderhuman** : I hate this family  
>  **Spiderhuman** : Is anyone even fucking straight in this chat  
>  **ILivedBitch** : _@CannonBALLS_ is our token straight guy  
>  **CannonBALLS** : I have accepted this and I am proud of my gay family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sense of responsibility has not yet returned meaning I have not opened my essay draft for my Eco Phil class but I am able to present you a second chapter.  
> Priorities.
> 
> Name guide:
> 
> GRYFFS  
> Harry – ILivedBitch  
> Ron – CannonBALLS  
> Hermione – Tiredofyourshit  
> Neville – Knockyourwood  
> Seamus – IfFoundReturnToDean  
> Dean – KeepHim  
> Lavender – Stardust  
> Parvati – Thefirstone
> 
> SLYTHS  
> Draco – BlondBitch  
> Blaise – Spiderhuman  
> Crabbe – Muffin #1  
> Goyle – Muffin #2  
> Theo – fuckoffimreading  
> Pansy – GossipQueen  
> Daphne – ExcuseYOU  
> Millicent – AngryCat

**KeepHim** : why are we even tgth in a chat???

 **KeepHim** : why not Gryffs and Huffs / Slyths and Ravens ?

 **GossipQueen** : bc Dumbledore is a big fucking meme

 **CannonBALLS** : he’s one (1) ENTIRE meme

 **Knockyourwood** : Dumblebro didn't die for this

 **ExcuseYOU** : he.... didn't die though?

 **Knockyourwood** : I know

 **Knockyourwood** : he should've

 **ILivedBitch** : R U D E

 **ILivedBitch** : I bet the Huffs/Raven chat is just… wholesome memes. We are the problematic™ memes and shitposting

 **Stardust** : I mean … it’s true but you shouldn’t say it

 **CannonBALLS** : Minnie calls Harry ‘the problem child’ so we’re probably all problematic tbh

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : that’s just a headcanon though

 **ILivedBitch** : no she slipped up yesterday after class

 **ILivedBitch** : I asked her about becoming an animagus

 **ILivedBitch** : and when I left I heard her call someone and say ‘the problem child is at it again’

 **ILivedBitch** : so it’s canon now :D

 **KeepHim** : nice

 **Spiderhuman** : are we simply ignoring the Dumblebro???

 **ILivedBitch** : that's just his name?

 **CannonBALLS** : he’s been your headmaster for over 4 years and you didn't know his name?

 **ILivedBitch** : sad

 **CannonBALLS** : tragic

 **Tiredofyourshit** : a big fucking disgrace

 **Knockyourwood** : language

 **Tiredofyourshit** : fuck you

 **Knockyourwood** : Nah thanks I'm gay

 **BlondBitch** : _@Spiderhuman_

 **GossipQueen** : _@Spiderhuman_ ;)

 **ExcuseYOU** : _@Spiderhuman_

 **Spiderhuman** : I hate this family

 **Spiderhuman** : Is anyone even fucking straight in this chat

 **ILivedBitch** : _@CannonBALLS_ is our token straight guy

 **CannonBALLS** : I have accepted this and I am proud of my gay family

 **GossipQueen** : wait I thought _@Tiredofyourshit_ is straight?

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I am ... d i s g u s t e d

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I’m demi what is this weak ass gossip game

 **GossipQueen** : I am sorry, please accept the apology of this pan girl

 **BlondBitch** : wait so Granger dates Weasel for… his personality?

 **CannonBALLS** : I know I was surprised too

 **Stardust** : do we need to be careful with pronouns??? I don’t want to make mistakes :)

 **Spiderhuman** : bless you, devination girl

 **Spiderhuman** : I’m fluid, he/him is fine but if you see me in a girl uniform you should use she/her

 **Knockyourwood** : *softly* fuck

 **CannonBALLS** : RIP Neville

 **Tiredofyourshit** : are we ignoring that Malfoy apparently thought Ron’s appearance was reason enough for me dating him

 **Tiredofyourshit** : red hair ur thing, Malfoy?

 **BlondBitch** : I’m gonna throw up

 **GossipQueen** : nah he likes dark hair

 **Knockyourwood** : _@ILivedBitch_

 **ILivedBitch** : let me l i v e

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : ajdfbalfa KILL ME

 **Stardust** : what did you do

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : OKAY first off all why do you just assume //// I //// did something??? Something could have happened // to // me???

 **KeepHim** : just tell us what you did, babe

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : wow I don’t deserve this

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : I stayed behind after charms to ask Flitwick smth, right?

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : …. I might have blown up my desk

 **KeepHim** : you give hot mess a whole new meaning

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : THAT’S NOT THE WORST THING THOUGH

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : Flitwick and I just kinda stared at the desk, right?

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : and Flitwick just really quietly said “I’m gonna levi-lose my shit”

 **ILivedBitch** : asbalfjlbcf same

 **Tiredofyourshit** : same

 **Fuckoffimreading** : same

 **CannonBALLS** : nood

 **GossipQueen** : N O O D

 **CannonBALLS** : I meant mood goddamit

 **Spiderhuman** : too late it’s a meme

 **ILivedBitch** : nood

 **CannonBALLS** : S T O P

 **ExcuseYOU** : nood: a not-mood

 **Muffin #1** : nood: accepted

 **Muffin #2** : nood: it is canon

 **ILivedBitch** : what is your fav nood?

 **BlondBitch** : experiencing vaguely positive emotions

 **ILivedBitch** : wow

 **GossipQueen** : truly a big nood

 **CannonBALLS** : I hate this song

 **CannonBALLS**. Can we pls go back to dragging seamus

 **CannonBALLS** : bc this rn is a nood but dragging seamus is a mood

 **KeepHim** : can’t argue that

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : *gasp* et tu Brutus ??????

 **Spiderhuman** : how do you even get Flitwick to this point tho. Goblin man is one of the most wholesome teachers at this school

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : I honestly don’t know

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : I don’t do it on purpose it’s not my fault

 **KeepHim** : I know this and I love you

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : aww babe

 **BlondBitch** : lmao gay

 **CannonBALLS** : you’re like the alpha gay in this school ferret

 **BlondBitch** : thank you

 **BlondBitch** : it is still my duty to c a l l  t h e m  o u t

 **Stardust** : is it okay to call Flitwick ‘goblin man’? isn’t it kinda offensive?

 **ExcuseYOU** : he’s super proud of his goblin heritage though

 **ExcuseYOU** : he says he can taste if gold is real or fake???? i… don’t know if that’s true???

 **Spiderhuman** : I asked him he’s cool with it

 **GossipQueen** : hey every1 discuss: huffs is the most perverse house

 **Tiredofthisshit** : no

 **GossipQueen** : is that … your answer

 **Tiredofthisshit** : it’s my general state of existence

 **Muffin #1** : ^^^

 **Muffin #2** : ^^^

 **CannonBALLS** : mood

 **Fuckoffimreading** : oh??? it’s a mood ??!!

 **Stardust** : not nood

 **Thefirstone** : no sweetheart that meme is already dead again

 **Stardust** : :(

 **Thefirstone** : <3

 **Stardust** : !!! <3 <3 <3

 **ILivedBitch** : ok cute but WHY would you even ask that _@GossipQueen_

 **GossipQueen** : snape said it??? Don’t blame the messenger smh

 **KeepHim** : w h a t

 **Spiderhuman** : I’m kinda afraid to ask but

 **Spiderhuman** : PLS expLAIN

 **GossipQueen** : I passed by the teacher lounge bc that’s where you get The Good Juicy Gossip™

 **Knockyourwood** : I had to read that

 **Knockyourwood** : with my own eyes

 **BlondBitch** : well you can’t use someone else’s eyes now, can you

 **Knockyourwood** : yes I can

 **Fuckoffimreading** : basdfjalf HOW

 **Knockyourwood** : determination

 **Spiderhuman** : s c a r e d but also kinda turned on?????

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : oh geez that’s me

 **CannonBALLS** : my whole relationship tbh

 **Tiredofyourshit** : what

 **CannonBALLS** : I SAID I LOVE YOU AND I TREASURE EVERY MINUTE I SPEND TOGETHER WITH YOU

 **Tiredofyourshit** : yeah that’s what I fucking thought

 **Thefirstone** : gross heterosexual relationships aside what did Snape say _@GossipQueen_

 **Tiredofyourshit** : it’s not hetero if one is gay

 **CannonBALLS** : (aren’t you demi)

 **Tiredofyourshit** : (yeah but I meant gay™ not gay)

 **CannonBALLS** : (got it thx and ily)

 **GossipQueen** : one of you is straight but you are still gay™ together

 **GossipQueen** : that’s beautiful you are doing amazing sweeties

 **GossipQueen** : anyway I passed by and heard Snape shout and I quote

 **GossipQueen** : “PLANT MOM GET YOUR CHILDREN UNDER CONTROL THERE WAS ANOTHER ORGY”

 **ILivedBitch** : ADBNFAFV WHAT

 **Fuckoffimreading** : nO

 **Spiderhuman** : Hey what’s up I’m Kyle, I’m fifteen and I fucKING WISHED I COULDN’T READ WTF

 **Knockyourwood:** brb changing Sproud’s contact on my cell to Plant Mom

 **KeepHim** : I …. Never thought I’d say this but thank MERLIN we are in a chat with the slyths instead of the huffs

 **BlondBitch** : that’s … fair

 **ILivedBitch** : huffs being wholesome is CANCELLED

 **Thefirstone** : that explains why Padma never talks about their chat with the huffs

 **Muffin #1** : why does _@Knockyourwood_ have Sproud’s number?

 **Knockyourwood** : bc she’s my plant mom

 **Fuckoffimreading** : wait srsly?

 **Knockyourwood** : yes

 **Knockyourwood** : and you are next

 **Fuckoffimreading** : … I ???? am lowkey scared??? What does that MEAN

 **Knockyourwood** : they are coming for you

 **Fuckoffimreading** : h i g h k e y  s c a r e d

 **Spiderhuman** : W H O

 **Knockyourwood** : the plants

 **ExcuseYOU** : *kill bill sirens in the background*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you laughed at least ... twice.
> 
> I live for you kudos and comments so please nurish this black void while I am waiting for the next BNHA episode. Having to wait for both anime and manga updates is a nood tbh.
> 
> Again, if you have any fav memes you want to see included don't hesitate to tell me :D


	3. Licence to kill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **IfFoundReturnToDean** : SO I just saw three first years trying to sneak out??  
>  **ILivedBitch** : oh look _@CannonBALLS @Tiredofyourshit_ it is us!!  
>  **Tiredofyourshit** : tragecially… that’s true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Working an adult job is the safest way to start hating people. like.... the pettiness in me is getting stronger and stronger because Adult is just a synonym for "Goddman Five Year Old In A Suit".
> 
> this fic and your comments and kudos are like every day rehab so bless memes i guess.
> 
> Username Guide:
> 
> GRYFFS  
> Harry – ILivedBitch  
> Ron – CannonBALLS  
> Hermione – tiredofyourshit  
> Neville – knockyourwood  
> Seamus – IfFoundReturnToDean  
> Dean – KeepHim  
> Lavender – Stardust  
> Parvati – thefirstone
> 
> SLYTHS  
> Draco – BlondBitch  
> Blaise – Spiderhuman  
> Crabbe – Muffin #1  
> Goyle – Muffin #2  
> Theo – fuckoffimreading  
> Pansy – GossipQueen  
> Daphne – ExcuseYOU  
> Millicent – AngryCat

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : NDVABCANBDJKFBAF

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : DID YOU SEE THAT

 **Fuckoffimreading** : I was asleep just now so prob no

 **ILivedBitch** : what is happening???

 **Thefirstone** : magic

 **ILivedBitch** : …… I … G U E S S ???????

 **GossipQueen** : hit me with that good stuff Finnigan

 **GossipQueen** : share with the class

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : OKAy

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : so I’m in the common room, right?

 **Tiredofyourshit** : you better be, it’s after curfew

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : YES MOM

 **KeepHim** : speaking of….

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : thanks babe

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : SO I just saw three first years trying to sneak out??

 **ILivedBitch** : oh look _@CannonBALLS @Tiredofyourshit_ it is us!!

 **Tiredofyourshit** : tragecially… that’s true

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : they were like halfway through the portrait mole

 **BlondBitch** : portrait …. mole….

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : bdvda yc HOLE I meant hole

 **Spiderhuman** : that’s so much worse

 **Stardust** : our entrance is just…. a hole in the wall

 **GossipQueen** : sounds fake but okay

 **ExcuseYOU** : it’s the Gryffs though

 **GossipQueen** : you are absolutely right and I’m sorry

 **KeepHim** : stop interrupting my boyfriend smh

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : thanks babe…. again

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : kay so they were about to escape

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : smelling the freedom

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : AND then tHEy JUST FELL BACKWARDS and everyone is staring like wtf is happening

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : suddenly OUR MOTHER appears in the entrance like a sleep deprived angel from HELL

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : standing there in her dressing gown, hair a mess, and AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF SCOTCH IN HER HAND

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : and she just…. _hisses_ at them

 **ExcuseYOU** : an idol

 **GossipQueen** : this is what I aspire to be like… yesterday

 **Spiderhuman** : a big mood

 **Thefirstone** : Minnie with her cat animagus showing is the best Minnie tbh

 **AngryCat** : that is true™

 **Fuckoffimreading** : _@AngryCat_ ur biased she’s ur cat mom

 **AngryCat** : that is also true™

 **Stardust** : wait what do you mean

 **Muffin #1** : millie drinks tea with mcg once a week

 **Muffin #2** : every monday they meet and talk bout cats

 **Muffin #1** : and transfig

 **Muffin #2** : obviously

 **CannonBALLS** : crabbe and goyle actually talking still freaks me out no offense

 **Muffin #1** : non taken

 **Muffin #2** : talking to ppl is annoying so we simply don’t do it

 **Muffin #1** : doesn’t mean we can’t do it

 **Muffin #2** : also

 **Muffin #1** : draco talks enough for all of us

 **BlondBitch** : HELLO AURORS ?????? I WAS MURDERED

 **BlondBitch** : O F F E N S E

 **ExcuseYOU** : stop crying draco it’s true

 **BlondBitch** : whomst is crying bitch

 **ExcuseYOU** : you bitch

 **BlondBitch** : no bitch

 **Thefirstone** : it’s probably _@Stardust_

 **Stardust** : sadly… that’s fair

 **Thefirstone** : don’t worry it’s cute

 **Stardust** : I have ???? the best girlfriend

 **Thefirstone** : no I do

 **Stardust** : fight me

 **Thefirstone** : on my way

 **Tiredofyourshit** : _@AngryCat_ you’re interested in transfiguration?

 **AngryCat** : yes

 **Tiredofyourshit** : any specific area?

 **AngryCat** : medical human transfig

 **Tiredofyourshit** : !!!!!!

 **Tiredofyourshit** : that’s so fascinating!!!!

 **CannonBALLS** : aaaaaaand I just lost my gf to a slyth

 **GossipQueen** : millie wants to take the exam straight out of Hogw

 **AngryCat** : nothing straight about me

 **AngryCat** : but yes

 **Knockyourwood** : same

 **Knockyourwood** : also that’s honestly impressive

 **GossipQueen** : right????!!! We gonna throw her a huge party when she gets her licence

 **Stardust** : sry was distracted, what licence?

 **BlondBitch** : licence to kill

 **ILivedBitch** : FUCK

 **KeepHim** : how????

 **Tiredofyourshit** : how do you know that????

 **GossipQueen** : what is happening

 **ExcuseYOU** : I don’t get that reference

 **ExcuseYOU** : so it’s probably a muggle thing

 **Tiredofyourshit** : it’s a muggle thing

 **Tiredofyourshit** : so why does Malfoy know about this??

 **Stardust** : (I am interrupting this discourse after reading through the chat and I want _@AngryCat_ to know that her skills are indeed very impressive)

 **AngryCat** : (thank you)

 **Thefirstone** : my gf is so good, so pure

 **BlondBitch** : I didn’t have a choice

 **BlondBitch** : Sev forced me to watch like all of the Bond movies

 **CannonBALLS** : DO YOU MEAN SNAPE

 **Spiderhuman** : snape is draco’s godfather

 **ILivedBitch** : w h a t

 **CannonBALLS** : talk about the worst kind of in-laws

 **Tiredofyourshit** : why does Prof. Snape know muggle stuff

 **GossipQueen** : he’s a halfblood

 **BlondBitch** : now that wonder boy defeated YKH Sev compensates for years of hiding his muggle heritage

 **BlondBitch** : he introduced my father to trashy reality tv

 **BlondBitch** : best moment of my life

 **Thefirstone** : I didn’t know Snape is a halfblood

 **Thefirstone** : and you slyths are …. fine with that?

 **ExcuseYOU** : it’s difficult to just… wipe out years of what our parents told us

 **ExcuseYOU** : but he’s very powerful so it’s easier to accept

 **ExcuseYOU** : also he’s our batdad soooooooo

 **ILivedBitch** : your WHAT

 **KeepHim** : is that from batman omfg

 **Stardust:** what is a bat man

 **Stardust** : sounds terrifying, take it away from me

 **KeepHim** : nah it’s a muggle super hero

 **CannonBALLS** : I KNOW THAT they’re like …. Very Good Aurors, right???

 **ILivedBitch** : yea but most have u know… magic

 **Stardust** : magic? I thought the batmans were muggle?????

 **ILivedBitch** : yes?

 **Stardust** : wHaT

 **Tiredofyourshit** : batman doesn’t have any super powers tho

 **KeepHim** : such a filthy amount of money is a super power tbh

 **Tiredofyourshit** : true

 **BlondBitch** : Batdad is better than his name in the teachers’ group chat though

 **BlondBitch** : wtf kinda name is “HalfBloodPrince”

 **ILivedBitch** : ….

 **ILivedBitch** : …. no

 **ILivedBitch** _has_ _left the chat_

 **CannonBALLS** : OH MY GOD

 **Tiredofyourshit** : HARRY

 **BlondBitch** : what just happened

 **CannonBALLS** : Mione come upstairs Harry is trying to suffocate himself with his pillow!!!!

 **Tiredofyourshit** : omw

 **CannonBALLS** : brb ima throw up

 **Knockyourwood** : Malfoy I don’t know how to tell you this

 **Knockyourwood** : but Harry has apparently been lowkey crushing on your godfather

 **GossipQueen** : sajbdalsbdajbfbl

 **BlondBitch** : what

 **BlondBitch** : the

 **BlondBitch** : f u c k

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen.  
> Did I spend the whole weekend not opening my essay draft file even ONCe and instead spend it writing and reading fanfic (and going to see Infinity War holy fuck)???  
> YES.  
> But did I also manage to somehow finish the essay during my work and submit it an ENTIRE hour before the deadline??  
> ALSO YES.  
> Conclusion?  
> if you're an irresponsible fuck something is gonna suffer like damn i didn't get anything done at work today. but HEY that's what adult life is gonna do to you i guess (0/10 do not recommend it).
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter as well, srsly your comments and kudos are giving me life so pls keep them going thank you bye <3


	4. Harry's longest yeah boi ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ILivedBitch** : can we pls talk about literally anything but this  
>  **GossipQueen** : I got ya  
>  **GossipQueen** : welcome to another edition of I Heard It From The Teacher’s Lounge  
>  **ILivedBitch** : anything but this and THAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi this is the ghost of Sky, she can’t post this in person cause her workplace had a fire drill exercise which means ‘nuhuh not taking the elevators pls’ and her team is on the 29th FUCKING FLOOR so yes.
> 
> You know she ded.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter while im gonna use a discount necromancy ritual to summon her body or smth.

**Spiderhuman** : I can’t believe Potter is in love with our batdad

 **ILivedBitch** : I

 **ILivedBitch** : aM NOT !!!!

 **CannonBALLS** : I don’t know H you kinda snuggled with his book

 **Spiderhuman** : I can’t believe Potter is in love with Snape’s potions book

 **GossipQueen** : that’s fucking precious Potter

 **Muffin #1** : cute?

 **Muffin #2** : cute. disturbing?

 **Muffin #1** : yes. both?

 **Muffin #2** : both. both is good.

 **ILivedBitch** : I came out to have a good time and I’m feeling so attacked right now

 **Stardust** : I didn’t know you liked older men Harry

 **Thefirstone** : or black hair

 **ILivedBitch** : SANFJABSFABFA N O

 **ILivedBitch** : I DIDN’T KNOW IT BELONGED TO SNAPE

 **ExcuseYOU** : what’s so special abou t the book anyway

 **ILivedBitch** : ….

 **GossipQueen** : we gonna assume the worst so you better talk bitch

 **Thefirstone** : btw super cute that harry and malfoy have matching names

 **BlondBitch** : … that was not intentional

 **Stardust** : makes it even cuter

 **BlondBitch** : … yes

 **ILivedBitch** : asbdlajf what do you mean ‘yes’ ????

 **BlondBitch** : forgot how to read Potter?

 **ILivedBitch** : jokes on you I never fckng learned how to read

 **BlondBitch** : that explains so much

 **ExcuseYOU** : my question: ignored

 **ExcuseYOU** : my fury: activated

 **ExcuseYOU** : I demand A N S W E R S

 **ILivedBitch** : I mean… it’s just that he wrote comments inside???? Like….as a student. And they are v sarcastic and he’s obv really smart so….

 **ILivedBitch** : it’s not about snape himself also I don’t really dig black hair on boys??? men???

 **Spiderhuman** : so what ur saying is that you like sarcastic smart boys. Blonds okay?

 **ILivedBitch** : I guess? Girls are great too I’m bi u know? But blonds… yeah.

 **ExcuseYOU** : is that a good yeah

 **Tiredofyourshit** : trust me it is

 **CannonBALLS** : the best yeah

 **KeepHim** : Harry’s longest yeah boi ever

 **CannonBALLS** : ^ genuinely upset I didn’t come up with that

 **ILivedBitch** : u all suck

 **ILivedBitch** : forget being bisexual I’m bye-sexual now I’d love if u all fuck off

 **Fuckoffimreading** : I’ve been trying but u people keep dragging me into this mess

 **BlondBitch** : being bye-sexual is the smartest thing u ever said potter like that’s relatable as fuck

 **ILivedBitch** : I  …. I can’t figure out if I should be offended by that

 **ILivedBitch** : can we pls talk about literally anything but this

 **GossipQueen** : I got ya

 **GossipQueen** : welcome to another edition of I Heard It From The Teacher’s Lounge

 **ILivedBitch** : anything but this and THAT

 **AngryCat** : hit us pans

 **GossipQueen** : this is why u are my fav

 **GossipQueen** : so I was minding my own business this morning

 **Fuckoffimreading** : lol fake news

 **GossipQueen** : batdad: “umbitch’s stupid decree about female and male students staying away from each other is still active??”

 **GossipQueen** : maybe Sinistra???: “why would we need to change that all the students are gay smh”

 **GossipQueen** : mcG: “bisexuals exist, Karen”

 **ILivedBitch** : okay same

 **Tiredofyourshit** : same

 **CannonBALLS** : that’s hetero erasure but I ain’t even mad

 **Stardust** : theory: all teachers (not only dumbles) are memes

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : isn’t that just a fact at this point

 **ExcuseYOU** : yesterday the smith tried talking to batdad outside class and snape just … y e e t e d himself out of the window

 **ExcuseYOU** : we were on fourth floor

 **Tiredofyourshit** : mood

 **Muffin #1** : ^^^

 **Muffin #2** : ^^^

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : OUT OF THE WINDOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW

 **Spiderhuman** : DOWN THE W A L L !!!!

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : bro

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : (wait can I call u that)

 **Spiderhuman** : (bro is gender neutral to me at this point tbh)

 **Spiderhuman** : (but others might feel different so it’s always better to just ask like u just did)

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : (kay cool)

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : be my meme-bro bro

 **Spiderhuman** : bro…. yes bro

 **GossipQueen** : *points finger* is that…. Is thAT ALLOWED??????

 **CannonBALLS** : btw _@Tiredofyourshit_ where r u lunch is almost over?

 **BlondBitch** : amazing weasel noticed the absence of his human gf when his actual gf (aka food) was right there

 **CannonBALLS** : u know wtht im not even gonna argue with that

 **CannonBALLS** : this chicken is straight up m a g i c a l

 **CannonBALLS** : *finger-guns*

 **BlondBitch** : blocked

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I was in the library

 **CannonBALLS** : *gasp*

 **Tiredofyourshit** : on my way now

 **Tiredofyourshit** : dragging _@Fuckoffimreading_ towards the food source as well

 **BlondBitch** : m y  S O N

 **KeepHim** : did malfoy just ran over two first years while shouting ‘move I’m gay’

 **Spiderhuman** : he sure did

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : truly a gay icon

 **KeepHim** : a gaycon

 **Stardust** : hmm sounds like a gay convention

 **KeepHim** : sounds like a big fucking mistake

 **ExcuseYOU** : no one can stop draco when he’s in Quidditch Mom Mode™

 **CannonBALLS** : wow he really is a quidditch mom though isn’t he

 **GossipQueen** : 100%

 **GossipQueen** : give him 10 years and he’ll be standing at the side of the field

 **GossipQueen** : “sweetie I know you think ur kid has some kind of …. “talent” but compared to my scorpius he simply ain’t shit, Susan”

 **KeepHim** : ScoRPiuS????

 **Muffin #1** : we know

 **Muffin #2** : we tried rly

 **Muffin #1** : but he’s really set on the name for some reason

 **ILivedBitch** : I think it’s a cool name???

 **GossipQueen** : wow

 **Thefirstone** : you truly deserve each other

 **Stardust** : I feel like we can’t allow them to name their own children smh

 

 **Tiredofyourshit** : missing lunch was a bad idea

 **Tiredofyourshit** : fuck I want pizza

 **KeepHim** : Y E S

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : who talks to the house elves to order pizza?????

 **Tiredofyourshit** _is typing…_

 **CannonBALLS** : pls mione we had this discussion just a few days ago

 **Tiredofyourshit:** well excuse me if I think free will is kinda great and slavery is kinda awful

 **ExcuseYOU** : you are interested in house elves rights?

 **ExcuseYOU** : I can give you books, I grew up with these discussions

 **ExcuseYOU** : my mom works at the MCRM at the ministry

 **ILivedBitch** : what’s that?

 **Stardust** : magical creature relationship management

 **Tiredofyourshit** : _@ExcuseYou_ that would be amazing, ty!!

 **Spiderhuman** : back to the important stuff: what is pizza

 **KeepHim** : H E A V E N

 **BlondBitch** : it's muggle food, good stuff

 **Spiderhuman** : k

 **ExcuseYOU** : I say Potter goes

 **ILivedBitch** : why am???

 **ILivedBitch** : *me

 **Knockyourwood** : MOOD

 **KeepHim** : _@Knockyourwood_ : u okay? U haven’t been online all day

 **Knockyourwood** : I am n.o.t. BUT

 **Knockyourwood** : I  w i l l  be

 **ExcuseYOU** : you know muggle stuff and the house elves love you

 **AngryCat** : everyone who votes Potter say bitch

 **GossipQueen** : bitch

 **Spiderhuman** : bitch

 **CannonBALLS** : bitch

 **Muffin** **#1** : female dog

 **Muffin** **#2** : ditto

 **BlondBitch** : me

 **AngryCat** : okay that's fair

 **ILivedBitch** : GUYS

 **ILivedBitch** : and GIRLS and everyone IN BETWEEN

 **ILivedBitch** : I would but I can't????

 **ILivedBitch** : I don't know how to explain it to them, I never ate pizza

 **Tiredofyourshit** : * murderously * fuck

 **BlondBitch** : pizza is THE muggle food, Potter, how have you never eaten it???

 **ILivedBitch** : well... it tastes good I believe???? and that's... a REASON

 **Spiderhuman** : wow thanks that explains nothing

 **GossipQueen** : you saying you never ate any tasty muggle food?

 **GossipQueen** : w h y

 **CannonBALLS** : bc fuck the Dursleys

 **Tiredofyourshit** : fuck the Dursleys

 **Knockyourwood** : fuck the Dursleys

 **Fuckoffimreading** : _@ILivedBitch_ you wanna talk?

 **ILivedBitch** : not now

 **ILivedBitch** : maybe later

 **Fuckoffimreading** : okay

 **Knockyourwood** : ima interrupt this somber af party by saying I am feeling BETTER know

 **ILivedBitch** : oh no

 **Stardust** : what did you doooooo??

 **Knockyourwood** : I bitch-slapped Smith into greenhouse four

 **Spiderhuman** : AJDGSJUGSBSKAB

 **Spiderhuman** : I lOVE YoU??????

 **Knockyourwood** : wat

 **Spiderhuman** : fuck

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : HA

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : y’all owe me some mooooneeeeeeyyyyyyy

 **Spiderhuman** : sdhahdlhas FUCK ME

 **Knockyourwood** : gladly, but maybe that’s moving a bit fast

 **Spiderhuman** : W H A T

 **BlondBitch** : I can’t believe blaise got a bf before me

 **BlondBitch** : no loyalty smh

 **Spiderhuman** : dO I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW?????

 **Knockyourwood** : yes

 **Spiderhuman** : AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 **ILivedBitch** : congratulations!!!

 **ILivedBitch** : maybe we can sleep soundly

 **ILivedBitch** : now that nev can finally relieve his sexual frustration of two years :) :)

 **CannonBALLS** : wow you really went there H

 **ILivedBitch** : I sure did

 **Knockyourwood** : sidbasfjdbasofb friendship CANCELLED

 **Spiderhuman** : TWO YEARS

 **Knockyourwood** : Harry I want you to know that I KNOW things about you

 **ILivedBitch** : I defeated voldeshit I’m not scared of you

 **ILivedBitch** : come at me bro

 **Knockyourwood** : _@BlondBitch_

 **ILivedBitch** : I n s t a n t  R E G R E T

 **BlondBitch** : yes?

 **ILivedBitch** : NOTHING

 **Stardust** : should….. someone save….. the smith

 **Thefirstone** : uuuhhhhhhhhhh no

 **Stardust** : understandable, have a nice day

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : kinda still want that pizza tho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes Blaise get your man <3
> 
> Fact: Lavender definitely wants to work at the MCRM office after graduating.
> 
> Fact 2: Uploading this chapter was delayed by 30 min because I couldn’t find a song to listen to while proof-reading this mess.
> 
> I can’t describe how much I love your comments and how happy every single kudo makes me, so thank you so much!! Also if you want to cry about HP, BNHA, BTS or the current state of the economy u can always message me on [tumblr](http://phoenix-skies.tumblr.com/) <3 (it's a mess, but really, what else did u expect?)


	5. A perfect 5/7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Spiderhuman** : he’d say yes  
>  **BlondBitch** : he can’t say NO if I NEVER ask him !!  
>  **Spiderhuman** : he can’t say YES either!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just booked my flight for my internship abroad and now I need to rent a flat and all in all I need to make way too many Important Decisions for someone who still needs a pep talk when calling their dentist. So the next update might take a bit longer buuuuuttttttt (hehe butt) it will be up on Friday at latest.
> 
> Username guide (can u believe I forget about this every fucking time):
> 
> GRYFFS  
> Harry – ILivedBitch  
> Ron – CannonBALLS  
> Hermione – Tiredofyourshit  
> Neville – Knockyourwood  
> Seamus – IfFoundReturnToDean  
> Dean – KeepHim  
> Lavender – Stardust  
> Parvati – Thefirstone
> 
> SLYTHS  
> Draco – BlondBitch  
> Blaise – Spiderhuman  
> Crabbe – Muffin #1  
> Goyle – Muffin #2  
> Theo – Fuckoffimreading  
> Pansy – GossipQueen  
> Daphne – ExcuseYOU  
> Millicent – AngryCat

**CannonBALLS** : the ravens have the only house animal which can fly

**CannonBALLS** : and they still SUCK at quidditch

**Spiderhuman** : u literally didn’t even play

**CannonBALLS** : and I was STILL better than them smh

**BlondBitch** : I agree tbh

**BlondBitch** : that was horrible

**Tiredofyourshit** : [me right now](https://media.giphy.com/media/l3q2K5jinAlChoCLS/giphy.gif)

**Stardust** : ron and Malfoy?? AgrEEING on SoMETHinG???

**Thefirstone** : in MY group chat??

**Stardust** : it’s more likely than you think

**Thefirstone** : true love is meme-ing together I am blESSED

**GossipQueen** : how did you even watch the game weasley?

**GossipQueen** : no way did pompom let you leave the bed with a flue

**Stardust** : p o m p o m

**CannonBALLS** : two way mirror

**CannonBALLS** : my amazing gf had the other one and let me watch the game

**Tiredofyourshit** : flattery will get you everywhere

**Tiredofyourshit** : except to a finished potions essay

**Tiredofyourshit** : you still have to write that one on your own

**CannonBALLS** :  :( :( :( :(

**Tiredofyourshit** : no

**CannonBALLS** : D: !!!!

**Tiredofyourshit** : … fine we can write it together

**CannonBALLS** : :D :D :D !!!!

**BlondBitch** : so gross

**GossipQueen** : u wish you had someone to be gross with draco

**GossipQueen** : also back to qudditch: _@ILivedBitch_ cho seemed to be more interested in you than the snitch smh??

**ILivedBitch** : I … yes

**ILivedBitch** : it’s… kinda awkward between us rn??

**ExcuseYOU** : didn’t u two date last year?

**ILivedBitch:** how do you know about that??

**ExcuseYOU** : pansy told me

**ILivedBitch** : _@GossipQueen_ how do YOU know about that?

**GossipQueen** : potter… u took her to hogsmeade

**GossipQueen** : and everyone always knows who u r dating

**ILivedBitch** : w  hy

**GossipQueen** : bc everyone WANTS to know

**ILivedBitch** : again

**ILivedBitch** : WHY

**GossipQueen** : potter….

**GossipQueen** : u honestly don’t know

**ILivedBitch** : I mean… I g u e s s  it’s bc this ‘chosen one’ thing??

**ILivedBitch** : but tzhat has nothing to do with whomst im dating???

**ILivedBitch** : *whomst

**ILivedBitch:** afncanf w h o

**ExcuseYOU** : I mean… yea there is the chosen one thing

**ExcuseYOU** : but also: you are hot

**ILivedBitch** : ?????? what

**GossipQueen** : half of Hogw has a crush on you potter

**GossipQueen** : u have to know that

**ILivedBitch** : ???? nO???

**ILivedBitch** : u are severely overestimating my self-confidence smh

**ILivedBitch** : im average though???

**ILivedBitch** : like a strong 5/10 kinda

**Spiderhuman** : listen this calls for the perfect 5/7 meme

**Spiderhuman** : but u would prob misunderst that so

**Spiderhuman** : potter u are like a 9.5/10

**Spiderhuman** : btw MY BOYFRIEND is a 12/10

**BlondBitch** : we get it blaise

**Knockyourwood** : aww babe u are a 12/10 too

**Knockyourwood** : I can’t believe I conned u into thinking im worthy of u smh

**Spiderhuman** : nooooo u are perfect!!!

**Spiderhuman** : big gay softie with latent murderous tendencies like FUCK YEAH sign me tHE FUCK UP mmmhHHHHMMMMM THAT’S SOME GOOD SHIT

**BlondBitch** : can we pls just kick them out

**Stardust** : no they’re cute af

**Stardust** : back with the program tho _@ILivedBitch_ u’ve been hot since year 3 smh

**Stardust** : espec now without glasses

**Thefirstone** : u have gorgeous eyes

**ILivedBitch** : im …. s h o o k smh???

**ILivedBitch** : I got rid of the glasses bc fighting is kinda difficult with them???

**ILivedBitch** : voldeshit coulda just accio-ed them and id be like guess I die ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**ILivedBitch** : I don’t rly think anyone has a crush on me tho??

**ILivedBitch** : like ,,,, there are so much better alternatives

**GossipQueen** : _@Tiredofyourshit @CannonBALLS_ u failed as friends

**CannonBALLS** : listen I love this dude but he might be a vamp bc mirrors obv don’t work for him???

**CannonBALLS** : it’s impossible to convince him

**GossipQueen** : potter I KNOW you were asked by a whole shitton of people to the yule ball

**ILivedBitch** : yea but that was bc I was a champion

**GossipQueen** : u dated cho though??

**ILivedBitch** : but that was more of a ‘wow we both miss cedric lets drown our sorrow together oh wow this did n o t  w o r k” kinda thing

**Tiredofyourshit** : it was awful

**ILivedBitch** : pretty awful yes

**Spiderhuman** : is that why she was distracted today

**ILivedBitch** : yeah she wanted to get back together for some reason

**ILivedBitch** : and I was like ‘thanks I’m gay’

**ILivedBitch** : she started crying

**CannonBALLS** : that’s rough buddy

**Tiredofyourshit** : you laughed for like five minutes, Ronald

**CannonBALLS** : yea bc H’s face was hilarious

**ILivedBitch** : Thank You, Ron

**CannonBALLS** : always bro

**ILivedBitch** : im not even gay, im bi but I panicked

**ILivedBitch** : I don’t want to give her false hope smh, I’m just not into her

**ILivedBitch** : idk why she would ask me out again anyway we kissed once and it was horrible???

**GossipQueen** : listen. just trust me potter

**GossipQueen** : you. Are. Hot.

**GossipQueen** : many ppl want to date you

**ILivedBitch** : that’s….. nice? Thank you

**GossipQueen** : you don’t believe me, do you

**ILivedBitch** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Spiderhuman** : potter the fact that u flew on a wooden broom against a dragon who breathes FIRE and you WON

**Spiderhuman** : like that alone is a reason to date you

**Thefirstone** : im a huge lesbian and I was thrilled to go to the yule ball with you Harry

**ILivedBitch** : I was ur beard tho??? We went together so u could spend the whole eve dancing with Lav

**ILivedBitch** : bc ur uncle threw that major bitch fit

**Thefirstone** : yes and I still appreciate that

**Thefirstone** : but it still increased my hoe cred that I went with u

**ILivedBitch** : I guess….. I can undesrstand the dragon thing

**GossipQueen** : well it’s a start

**Fuckoffimreading** : u know who should say smth? Draco should say smth

**Fuckoffimreading** : _@BlondBitch_ : MOM woman up already

**BlondBitch** : …..

**BlondBitch** : tbh first Task was objectively amazing, Potter

**ILivedBitch** : Thanks:????!?!?!

**BlondBitch** : well it combined my 2 fav things: dragons and quidditch

**Spiderhuman** : i call bs

**Spiderhuman** : those are only your fav # 3 and 4

**BlondBitch** : stfu u don't know me

**ILivedBitch** : is # 1 himself?

**GossipQueen** : afsjsjgacdi

**GossipQueen** : get RECKED Draco

**BlondBitch** : I mean.... it's true but you shouldn't say it

**CannonBALLS** : what's # 2 then?

**BlondBitch** : hey what is that it's a topic change wow amazing

**Spiderhuman** : tbh I think # 1 and 2 are interchangeable at this point

**Spiderhuman** : HINT: it's also part of the first task

**BlondBitch** : Blaise I know where you sleep

**Fuckoffimreading** : please don't

**Fuckoffimreading** : the house elves complained enough about the last blood staines

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : I feel like that's smth we should DISCUSS

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : BUT

**KeepHim** : we gotta find out Blondie's nr 2 first

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : (I love that we finish each other sentences)

**KeepHim** : (me too and I love you)

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : jahshsjabsghab I Am BLESSED????

**CannonBALLS** : (gay)

**ILivedBitch** : about Malfoy's nr 2.....

**ILivedBitch** : is it me almost dying?

**BlondBitch** : ..... no, Potter

**Spiderhuman** : SO CLOSE

**ILivedBitch** : ..... death?

**BlondBitch** : YES

**BlondBitch** : every damn moment I wish for the sweet release of death

**ExcuseYOU** : mood

**Spiderhuman** : mood

**ILivedBitch** : big mood

 

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **Spiderhuman** _to_ **BlondBitch**

**Spiderhuman** : I would like to summarize once more

**Spiderhuman** : wonder boy like his men smart (good at potions a plus maybe???), sarcastic and blond

**Spiderhuman** : strong evidence of him liking quidditch skills as well esp. seeker (see cedric and cho)

**Spiderhuman** : if only u were smart, good at potions, blond, sarcastic and a good quidditch player favorably a seeker

**Spiderhuman** : OH WAIT

**BlondBitch**. Just… stop blaise

**BlondBitch** : even with father turning on the dark lord and all that, potter will never honestly think of me like that

**Spiderhuman** : draco at this point u are simply arguing bc you like arguing

**BlondBitch** : not true

**BlondBitch** : im arguing bc im v insecure and like to hide my fear of rejection behind a wall of sarcasm

**Spiderhuman** : he’d say yes

**BlondBitch** : he can’t say NO if I NEVER ask him !!

**Spiderhuman** : he can’t say YES either!!

**Spiderhuman** : this is why I have an amazing bf and u r still a sad single gay

**BlondBitch** : take your filthy logic away from me and leave me to suffer blaise

**Spiderhuman** : yea but what about MY suffering

**BlondBitch** : can u believe he doesn’t know how hot he is wtf is this

**BlondBitch** : his hair screams sex it’s INFURIATING

**BlondBitch** : and his eyes shouldn’t be allowed what kind of veela sorcery

**BlondBitch** _is typing…_

**Spiderhuman** : s u f f e r i n g

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone: Harry u are hot  
> Harry: [x](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ee/7b/ca/ee7bca6fb99ee17813541f048dfb899a.gif)
> 
> In other news this fic is a disaster but I have never written a Golden Trio Dynamic which I liked more.
> 
> I'm still kind of in a daze because for some reason????? Germany didn't suck????? at the ESC???? so I can't think of anything witty to say in these notes. Also I just realized that this title kinda suggests that this story will only have 7 chapters but I assure you that there are more than enough memes for this to go on a bit longer.
> 
> So buckle up my dudes as we descend further into hell.
> 
> I love all of your comments and I reply to all of them, so come talk to me! :D And I can't believe this fic has over 100 kudos, how is this my legacy.


	6. Potter Machine Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Spiderhuman** : should I be worried that I’m turned on by my boyfriend’s murderous tendencies?  
>  **BlondBitch** : blaise u should be constantly worried  
>  **BlondBitch** : ur boyfriend carries a pet devil’s snare in his pocket like that’s something normal people do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me @ActualPlot: where the HECK did YOU come from???
> 
> I feel like this chap needs a warning bc here u are expecting some stupid chat fic with dumb memes and instead im gonna hit y’all with the feels train right into your faces. 
> 
> Sorry not sorry
> 
> ALSO!!! I realized I left out Millie in the last chapter??? So she’ll have a moment to shine in this one ^^
> 
> Username Guide:
> 
> GRYFFS  
> Harry – ILivedBitch  
> Ron – CannonBALLS  
> Hermione – Tiredofyourshit  
> Neville – Knockyourwood  
> Seamus – IfFoundReturnToDean  
> Dean – KeepHim  
> Lavender – Stardust  
> Parvati – Thefirstone
> 
> SLYTHS  
> Draco – BlondBitch  
> Blaise – Spiderhuman  
> Crabbe – Muffin #1  
> Goyle – Muffin #2  
> Theo – Fuckoffimreading  
> Pansy – GossipQueen  
> Daphne – ExcuseYOU  
> Millicent – AngryCat
> 
> TEACHERS (whaaaaaaat)  
> HalfBloodPrince – Snape  
> CatsDoItBetter - McGonagall

**CannonBALLS** : I think I just got the worst comment from snape on my essay

**CannonBALLS** : like the worst any student ever got

**ILivedBitch** : aRE yoU SuRE

**CannonBALLS** : yes

**CannonBALLS** : listen bro I know you have that thing™ with snape where he’s kinda disappointed you ended up being James’ son and not his own

**CannonBALLS** : and u kinda trust him a lot bc he saved you bout 100 times just last week but u still can’t stand him bc he’s a dick

**CannonBALLS** : and it got worse bc you dunked voldie into the shadow realm and now snape is weirdly laid back and I swear I saw him smile once which… no

**CannonBALLS** : but this is about ME now

**ILivedBitch** : afkvafalfbf

**ILivedBitch** : w hhhh

**Tiredofyourshit** : You broke him

**Stardust** : potter machine broken

**CannonBALLS** : good

**BlondBitch** : is this about the essay on dragon blood

**CannonBALLS** : yes

**Tiredofyourshit** : I helped you with that essay ron

**Tiredofyourshit** : what did you do

**CannonBALLS** : iii….. might have lost that one

**CannonBALLS** : but u were in a bad mood so I just rewrote it alone

**ILivedBitch** : so what did snape write

**Spiderhuman** : yes weasley tell us all about ur failure

**CannonBALLS** : “Ronald Weasley, never in your five years in my class have you ever submitted an essay which YOU wrote instead of Ms. Granger, please do not start now.”

**ILivedBitch** : …

**BlondBitch** : …

**Knockyourwood** : …

**Tiredofyourshit** : …

**Muffin #1** : … snape machine broken

**Muffin #2** : I can’t believe weasley killed batdad

**BlondBitch** : weasley WHAT THE FUCK did you write in that essay

**Spiderhuman** : he actually wrote “please”????

**CannonBALLS** : YES

**CannonBALLS** : Im tERrifiED

**CannonBALLS** : I mean…. I guess I kinda forgot everything we learned about dragon blood??

**CannonBALLS** : but I know a lot of good stories about dragons bc Charlie

**CannonBALLS** : I might have mixed some stuff up but the essay was still good imo!!

**Tiredofyourshit** : ….. Ron

**Tiredofyourshit** : why are you like this

**KeepHim** : wow I could HEAR your voice say that

**Spiderhuman** : students like u are the reason the mortality rate of teachers is so damn high, weasley

**CannonBALLS** : excYOUS ME

**CannonBALLS** : that’s obv Harry’s fault

**ILivedBitch** : maybe so

**ILivedBitch** : I say it’s voldeshit’s fault

**ILivedBitch** : evry year he was like

**ILivedBitch** : surprise bitch

**ILivedBitch** : its time for murder

**ILivedBitch** : and BOOM another dada teacher is dad

**ILivedBitch** : *dead

**GossipQueen** : well lupin was dad material tbh

**Spiderhuman** : all the dada teachers were a mess

**Spiderhuman** : so its dumblebro’s fault

**ExcuseYOU** : true. I mean. Quirrel? I learned nothing.

**CannonBALLS** : yeah and the fact that he had voldie on the back of his head was super gross

**GossipQueen** : he ahd WHAT on his WHAT

**Tiredofyourshit** : I thought everyone knew about that?

**Tiredofyourshit** : he was possessed by voldie’s spirit

**BlondBitch** : ew omg

**GossipQueen** : and then ykw killed him? What kind of ungrateful bullshit

**ILivedBitch** : ummm haha

**ILivedBitch** : ehhhhh no

**ILivedBitch** : uh I kinda killed quirrel?

**BlondBitch** : ….

**BlondBitch** : potter u were ELEVEN

**Spiderhuman** : wtf

**ILivedBitch** : haha yea fun times

**GossipQueen** : we don’t learn lethal spells in first year tho?????

**ILivedBitch** : ah no I used my hands?

**BlondBitch** : W H A T   T H E   F U C K

**AngryCat** : i can’t believe u’ve needed therapy since first year

**ILivedBitch** : nah

**KeepHim** : *yah

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : I rly don’t know how can u be so calm about this shit, harry

**ILivedBitch** : it’s called repressing traumatic experiences, Harold

**KeepHim** : literally though not be That Muggleborn™ but why aren’t school counselors a thing here?

**Tiredofyourshit** : cause mental health isn’t a thing here

**Fuckoffimreading** : true tbh

**Fuckoffimreading** : snape talked me into seeing a muggle psycho yesterday and it was surprisingly helpful

**GossipQueen** : i????? don’t WANT to see a psycho tho!! Enough of them trying to be teachers smh

**Tiredofyourshit** : I think he means psychotherapist

**Tiredofyourshit** : they are muggle mind healers

**Tiredofyourshit** : mind healers are a thing, right?

**AngryCat** : yes but working as a mind healer has been forbidden between 1746 and 1985 bc many treatments rely on the use of legilimency and occlumency

**AngryCat** : both were banned by the ministry bc they are classified as dark soo…. We are trying to catch up but we are way behind

**AngryCat** : it sucks and the muggles are admittedly advanced while we are basically stuck in the 18th century

**AngryCat** : there are some wizarding communities in like Germany, Norway etc were the classifications are less strict and they are further advanced in mind healing than Britain

**AngryCat** : also various African wizarding tribes use a variation of the legilimency spell which doesn’t work with our wands and is really fascinating

**AngryCat** : but yea tldr: mental health doesn’t exist in wizarding Britain yet but it’s getting better

**GossipQueen** : do you SEE THIS????

**GossipQueen** : THIS IS MY GIRL  S L A Y I N G

**Tiredofyourshit** : this is honestly so interesting, I need to borrow ALL of your books

**AngryCat** : I’ve spent the last few days studying this 24/7 and I should be sick of it but it’s really interesting

**BlondBitch** : I need to learn more about those muggle healers but…

**BlondBitch** : if they help u, Theo, I guess they can’t be bad

**CannonBALLS** : W.O.W.

**KeepHim** : the force of parental instinct is strong in him

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : back to the topic of dada teachers: who decided LOCKHARD was a good idea???

**Stardust** : I mean we did believe he’d actually done all this stuff in the books

**Thefirstone** : on the paper he was a good choice

**CannonBALLS** : yea but dumblebro must have interviewed him right?

**CannonBALLS** : he must have known

**Tiredofyourshit** : he wouldn’t sabotage our education like that

**ExcuseYOU** : hmmm but would he do it for the vine?

**GossipQueen** : oh shit

**GossipQueen** : he def would do that

**KeepHim** : I aspire to reach the level of “fuck you” Snape projected at Lockhard during the duel club

**BlondBitch** : same

**Tiredofyourshit** : same

**Fuckoffimreading** : same

**Spiderhuman** : oK BUT

**Spiderhuman** : year two quidditch more like can I get one uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh  b o n e l e s s  Potter

**BlondBitch** : error #101

**BlondBitch** : potter machine broken

**Stardust** : again?

**Tiredofyourshit** : Hasn’t u been paying attention

**Tiredofyourshit** : it breaks every year

**ILivedBitch** : asjfaslfaf

**ILivedBitch** : I MEAN

**ILivedBitch** : not on  P U R P O S E

**AngryCat** : dada was always a mess tbh

**AngryCat** : I guess moody was okay although he turned out to be a death eater in disguise

**AngryCat** : :/

**Stardust** : sakflaf that “:/” expressed more emotions than all other messages you ever sent combined

**AngryCat** : … :)

**Stardust** : hmmmm don’t like that

**Stardust** : pls go back

**ILivedBitch** : i mean fake moody kinda did try to kill me BUT I can acknowledge that I learned quite a lot in his lesson

**Fuckoffimreading** : Harry ur standards are too damn low

**ILivedBitch** : thanks, it’s the trauma

**CannonBALLS** : but we all know who was the WORST

**CannonBALLS** : fuCKING UMBITCH

**ILivedBitch** : man, fuck her

**Knockyourwood** : yea fuck her

**Knockyourwood** : should have done smth about her sooner

**Tiredofyourshit** : how? The ministry protected her

**Knockyourwood** : hey I had a plan but no one wanted to listen to me

**ILivedBitch** : your plan involved murder, nev

**Knockyourwood** : listen im not saying murder was the best option

**Knockyourwood** : but it would have been the EASIEST option

**Tiredofyourshit** : killing your teacher is against the school rules nev

**Tiredofyourshit** : we could have gotten expelled

**Knockyourwood** : im pretty sure its never explicitly said

**Knockyourwood** : ALSO what about murder…. Without getting caught?

**Tiredofyourshit** : hmmmm better, go on

**ILivedBitch** : u can ask your resident expert on How To Get Away With Murder

**CannonBALLS** : YOU ARE NOT A MURDURER HARRY

**Tiredofyourshit** : *murderer

**CannonBALLS** : u never even killed him it was more like a lucky accident and in the end it was totally the void who killed voldeshit

**Tiredofyourshit** : H do u need us to come upstairs?

**ILivedBitch** : am I mentally healthy despite dragging Voldemort into the Void by accident?

**ILivedBitch** : n o

**ILivedBitch** : but I lived bitch

**ILivedBitch** : so im fine thank you guys, no need to initiate the concerned puppy pile mode

**AngryCat** : for all that shit u are surprisingly little messed up potter so go you I guess

**ILivedBitch** : thanks I guess

**ILivedBitch** : let’s talk about literally anything else

**BlondBitch** : ….

**BlondBitch** : k let’s talk about granger tolerating murder as long as u don’t get caught???

**BlondBitch** : whatever happened to goody-shoes granger?

**ILivedBitch** : in first year she set snape on fire, in second she ordered us to steal expensive potion ingredients and brew an illegal potion in a girls bathroom, in third she illegally used a time turner and broke draco’s nose, in fourth year she imprisoned a witch in a jar for several weeks, in fifth year she co-founded an illegal defense club, deliberately put a teacher in great danger and left the school grounds to fight in a battle against a dark lord

**ILivedBitch** : goody-shoes who?

**Spiderhuman** : wow go off I guess

**GossipQueen** : WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT ALL OF THAT

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : tag urself im #setting a teacher on fire

**KeepHim** : im #founding illegal organizations to … study

**ExcuseYOU** : no but real talk, granger

**ExcuseYOU** : HOW

**Tiredofyourshit** : that’s my secret

**Tiredofyourshit** : I’m always a fucking badass

**ExcuseYOU** : and…. Longbottom….?

**Stardust** : we don’t talk about that

**ExcuseYOU** : oh… okay

 

**Direct message** _from_ **Spiderhuman** _to_ **BlondBitch**

**Spiderhuman** : should I be worried that I’m turned on by my boyfriend’s murderous tendencies?

**BlondBitch** : blaise u should be constantly worried

**BlondBitch** : ur boyfriend carries a pet devil’s snare in his pocket like that’s something normal people do

**Spiderhuman** : great for surprise bondage sex tho

**BlondBitch** : what

**Spiderhuman** : what

**BlondBitch** : im coming upstairs don't fucking move

**Spiderhuman** : IT WAS A JOKE

**Spiderhuman** : IM STILL PURE

**Spiderhuman** : CALM DOWnjbnslncyafndgn

 

**Direct message** _from_ **BlondBitch** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

**BlondBitch** : you don’t need to talk about anything

**BlondBitch** : im just saying that sev would listen to whatever you need to say without judging

**BlondBitch** : ofc I would listen to

**BlondBitch** : but I think sev would understand you best

**ILivedBitch** : …

**ILivedBitch** : thank you

 

**Group Chat**

**CannonBALLS** : why is lunch so far away every day

**CannonBALLS** : all that talk about murder made me fucking hungry

**GossipQueen** : that’s the most terrifying statement u ever made, weasely

**CannonBALLS** : hey no kinkshaming in this chat

**GossipQueen** : wHAT

**Thefirstone** : I’m kinkshaming your whole existence Ron

**Thefirstone** : how dare you

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : I don’t even have time for lunch because of the transfig essay :(

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : I’m so TIRED

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : I can’t do any of this shit

**ExcuseYOU** : U gotta be more positive

**ExcuseYOU** : Say ‘I can’t do any of this shit… yeet’

**KeepHim** : Y e e t

**ExcuseYOU** : I MEANT YET

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : Too late, homework is  y e e t e d  out of the window

**Knockyourwood** : Can’t do the spell? Stay positive, just yeet ur wand through the classroom and hope for the best

**Stardust** : Too afraid to ask the cute girl on a date? Stay positive, just yeet amorentia at her and hope it smells like u

**Fuckoffimreading** : Have a shitty, abusive father? Stay positive, just yeet your local batdad at him and BOOM! U just got adopted!!!

**GossipQueen** : WAIT WHAT

**BlondBitch** : it’s finally done????? That explains y sev was so nervous these last few days

**ExcuseYOU** : we gotta celebrate this

**Fuckoffimreading** : not gonna lie I fucking cried

**Fuckoffimreading** : snape was super alarmed, thought he already fucked up

**Fuckoffimreading** : he gave me chocolate and kinda patted my hair

**Stardust** : i…. that’s fucking precious

**Thefirstone** : I feel like we should get Snape a gift or smth

**Thefirstone** : _@BlondBitch_ what does batdad like?

**BlondBitch** : uhhhh not a lot

**BlondBitch** : rare potion ingredients, dark chocolate with chili, firewhiskey, dueling, hiking (but only in areas where he will meet a maximum of 0 people)

**ILivedBitch** : uh are…. Do basilisks count as ‘rare’?

**BlondBitch** : no potter basilisks are, u know, whatever

**BlondBitch** : OF COURSE they are rare but they’re also filthy expensive

**BlondBitch** : what u have a basilisk just lying around somewhere?

**ILivedBitch** : I mean…..

**ILivedBitch** : yea

 

**Direct message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **CatsDoItBetter**

**HalfBloodPrince** : ….!!!!

**CatsDoItBetter** : I know, Severus

**HalfBloodPrince** : !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????

**CatsDoItBetter** : are you really so surprised that the students appreciate ur effort to help young Theodore

**HalfBloodPrince** : IT FILLS THE WHOLE GREAT HALL

**HalfBloodPrince** : I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

**HalfBloodPrince** : w h y  am I cRYinG

**CatsDoItBetter** : u are experiencing positive emotions

**HalfBloodPrince** : DISGUSTING

**HalfBloodPrince** : …

**HalfBloodPrince** : I hope it never ends

 

**Direct message** _from_ **ILivedBitch** _to_ **BlondBitch**

**ILivedBitch** : um… hi again

**BlondBitch** : just ask Potter

**ILivedBitch** : I just…. u know Snape pretty well right?

**ILivedBitch** : do u think…

**BlondBitch** : yes

**ILivedBitch** : i..

**ILivedBitch** : really?

**BlondBitch** : yes Potter

**BlondBitch** : now that ykw is gone, sev can do what he really wants

**BlondBitch** : I don’t know everything but apparently he accidently saw some stuff last year?

**BlondBitch** : he’s been trying since then

**ILivedBitch** : ..

**ILivedBitch** : really?

**BlondBitch** : u better not be crying Potter

**ILivedBitch** : I jst… why would he want to?

**BlondBitch** : Potter…

**BlondBitch** : I know we made jokes about it before, but there is lterally no one here who wants to see you broken

**ILivedBitch** : ….

**ILivedBitch** : i…. okay

**ILivedBitch** : thank you, Malfoy

**BlondBitch** : you’re welcome, Potter

**BlondBitch** : fuck this is sappy

**BlondBitch** : seeker game?

**ILivedBitch** : quidditch field in 10 min

**BlondBitch** : good

**BlondBitch** : im gonna destroy u, Potter

**BlondBitch** : you better be scared

**ILivedBitch** : ha

**ILivedBitch** : u wish, Malfoy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said friday, it is friday, here is a new chapter *cue applause*
> 
> Let's be real all of the memes belong to someone else and tumblr is a constant source of inspiration, but the "Say ‘I can’t do any of this shit… yeet’" joke i saw only recently, and i would link you the source but trying to find it via The Google only gets me a ton of links to Ten Steps To Overcome Depression and shit sooo....
> 
> BUT credit for the line "thanks, it's the trauma" goes to AO3 user [aloneintherain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aloneintherain/pseuds/aloneintherain). I just thought it was hilarious and needed to be included! :D
> 
> They also reminded me of the fact that maybe I should explain how the fuck 15yo Harry somehow defeated Voldemort (and horcurxes exist in this AU - I know, I was surprised to). I had no plan for this, when I started this story, but I somehow came up with an explanation which (imo) makes actual sense. There will be references to what happened in the story, but I thought I would give you the whole explanation here in the notes, so the story makes more sense.
> 
> BACKSTORY TIME
> 
> Voldemort appeared much earlier during the battle in the ministry and he was there when Bellatrix almost killed Sirius. In the books it’s clearly stated that Bellatrix fired a RED spell at Sirius which could have been a stunner. That means Sirius wasn’t dead when he fell into the veil – he died because of the veil. In this story however, Harry saw what was about to happen and apparated to Sirius’ side to push him away from the veil. By doing this he accidentally fell inside the veil (“the void”). In my theory, the veil traps souls, not bodies. However, because of the horcrux, Harry has TWO souls – or at least one whole soul and a tiny part of Voldemort’s soul. If we say the veil is somehow related to dementors, we can assume that it prefers souls with a lot of negative emotions (sorrow, hatred, fear etc.). And while Harry’s soul is definitely marred, it has nothing on Voldemort’s. So the veil decided to keep Voldemort’s soul and let Harry go again (since it only needs one soul). However, by keeping the part of Voldemort’s soul, it somehow dragged the other parts of Voldemort’s soul into the veil as well (because it requires a whole soul). Therefore, all parts of Voldemort’s soul have been dragged inside the veil and he’s officially dead.
> 
> SO the whole thing was basically a lucky accident and while Harry was somewhat responsible for Voldemort’s death he didn’t actually kill him (something which I believe he had neither the power or the mental ability to do at that point anyway). BTW as you surely noticed this means that Sirius and Remus are alive as well, and I promise, I didn’t forget them and they will appear at one point. 
> 
> I’m actually ridiculously proud of that explanation and – not gonna lie – I think it’s hilarious that I managed to come up with it for something as stupid as a cracky chat fic which is basically 50% memes. But here we are ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> THANK YOU for all the comments and kudos!! I read all of the comments and reply to them so come and talk to me :D
> 
> NOWWWW i'm off listening to the new BTS album on repeat (my current favs are Fake Love and 134340) and crying over the new MV. Seee youuuu


	7. Parent Personas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Tiredofyourshit** : all of you are responsible for my headache I hope u suffer in hell  
>  **CannonBALLS** : even me, your wonderful, considerate boyfriend??????  
>  **Tiredofyourshit** : u can stay I guess  
>  **CannonBALLS** : YOU LOVE ME  
>  **Tiredofyourshit** : ugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are, back with the M E M E S
> 
> @ [Ashes_Floating](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashes_Floating/pseuds/Ashes_Floating) I know you had to wait but the promised bit is finally here, I hope you like it ^^
> 
> Btw Draco sends a pic of his chat with Sev to the Group Chat. The "picture" is marked with simply "------" at the beginning and the end bc let's be real, I'm way too lazy to actually make a picture of a fake chat or smth like that. 
> 
> User name guide:
> 
> GRYFFS  
> Harry – ILivedBitch  
> Ron – CannonBALLS  
> Hermione – Tiredofyourshit  
> Neville – Knockyourwood  
> Seamus – IfFoundReturnToDean  
> Dean – KeepHim  
> Lavender – Stardust  
> Parvati – Thefirstone
> 
> SLYTHS  
> Draco – BlondBitch  
> Blaise – Spiderhuman  
> Crabbe – Muffin #1  
> Goyle – Muffin #2  
> Theo – Fuckoffimreading  
> Pansy – GossipQueen  
> Daphne – ExcuseYOU  
> Millicent – AngryCat
> 
> I think it's obvious who HalfBloodPrince is ;)

**BlondBitch** : no YOu listen FATHER we both know a Good Fucking Tango when we see one so you better admit that maria has been CHEATED on, she should have fucking won and that hoe Lucien is a fucking fake ass talentless bitch like just bc Lucien sounds like Lucius and Maria has better hair than u you can't just disrespect the art of dancing like that!!!!!

 **Stardust** : ????!!!

 **AngryCat** : well that’s A Statement

 **BlondBitch** : I.....hhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa

 **BlondBitch** : WrONg chaT

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : jagsggaha RIGHT CHAT

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : RIGHT FUCKING CHAT

 **BlondBitch** : bYE

 **CannonBALLS** : COME BACK MALFOY

 **CannonBALLS** : EXPLAIN

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : this is the best thing that has happened all week

 **Spiderhuman** : just own up to it draco

 **Spiderhuman** : u can’t hide the truth forever

 **Stardust** : what truth, zabini

 **Thefirstone** : yes zabini, spill the tea

 **BlondBitch** : nO

 **Stardust** : w.h.a.t.  t.r.u.t.h.

 **Spiderhuman** : the m in malfoy stands for meme

 **BlondBitch** : damn you blaise

 **BlondBitch** : I was rooting for you, my whole family was rooting for you

 **BlondBitch** : any then u go outing us like that smh

 **GossipQueen** : two weeks ago my mom asked dracos mom if she thought that Lucius was cheating on her with batdad

 **GossipQueen** : and narcissa just laughed for like five hours and was like “im not the kind of woman you would cheat on, susan”

 **GossipQueen** : then narcissa stood up and just smiled rly nice like u see that and u know u fucked up and said “its okay sweetie, you would have to be in a healthy, fulfilling relationship to understand my marriage with lucius”

 **GossipQueen** : and then she just left

 **Muffin #1** : can you believe draco’s mom killed pansy’s mom

 **Muffin #2** : again

 **ILivedBitch** : ur mom is obviously a black first, malfoy and the b stands for badass

 **BlondBitch** : oh I know

 **BlondBitch** : my father wouldn’t survive without her

 **BlondBitch** : like if u insult my parents my father will literally transform into an eleven years old

 **BlondBitch** : shouting and sneering and getting into fistfights

 **BlondBitch** : while my mom just sips wine and smiles at you and you already know ur dead

 **ExcuseYOU** : how do I get myself a woman like draco’s mom smh

 **BlondBitch** : ew

 **GossipQueen** : listen draco u could whine about the fact that ur parents are literally goals or u can stop being a little bitch

 **Stardust** : this STILL doesn’t explain the discourse about the Let’s Dance finale u have going on with ur dad

 **Stardust** : which u are totally right about btw malfoy

 **Thefirstone** : also why would anyone think ur dad and snape are doing the do

 **BlondBitch** : doing

 **BlondBitch** : the do

 **ILivedBitch** : the frickfrack

 **KeepHim** : the nasty

 **BlondBitch** : STOP

 **BlondBitch** : they’re basically brothers omg

 **BlondBitch** : I TOLD y’all that sev introduced my father to reality tv and also to those shitty singing and dancing competitions

 **GossipQueen** : s h I t t y

 **Spiderhuman** : as if u don’t live for them, stop lying bitch

 **BlondBitch** : i

 **BlondBitch** : can u blame me, I get to judge all those people and laugh when they embarrass themselves

 **AngryCat** : I tried it once but I got too angry bc of the stupidity

 **BlondBitch** : my father too tbh

 **BlondBitch** : look at this:

 **BlondBitch** _sent a picture_

\--------

 **Direct message** _from_ **BlondBitch** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : how many reparos til new TV needed

 **BlondBitch** : I.... don't know??

 **HalfBloodPrince** : idk either but I will probably know by the end of this eve

 **BlondBitch** : father is throwing stuff again?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : we r watching the bachelor

 **BlondBitch** : W O W

 **BlondBitch** : I wanted to binge the new season with you two but i guess I won't???

 **HalfBloodPrince** : Lucy and I both needed the distraction srry dragon

 **HalfBloodPrince** : the bachelor is a douche anyway

 **HalfBloodPrince** : those two girls won't sleep with him and he has bitched about it for 5 min now like they owe it to him or smth

 **HalfBloodPrince** : Lucy threw vodka at the TV and screamed ‘in this house we respect women’s rights, Chad’

 **BlondBitch** : honestly u improve my father by 200% simply with ur presence

 **BlondBitch** : and alcohol

 **BlondBitch** : where’s mom

 **HalfBloodPrince** : she laughed at us for a bit and then disappeared

 **HalfBloodPrince** : prob taking over the world as we’re speaking

\--------

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I never thought I’d say this

 **Tiredofyourshit** : but I approve of ur father, malfoy

 **BlondBitch** : thank you, granger

 **BlondBitch** : I heard ur parents rip out other muggles’ teeth and actually get paid for that

 **BlondBitch** : that’s absolutely fucking terrifying, so I approve of them as well

 **ExcuseYOU** : they do WHAT

 **GossipQueen** : wow draco u sure felt the need to share the absolute worst thing ever with us

 **BlondBitch** : I sure did

 **GossipQueen** : thanks, I hate it :) :)

**CannonBALLS** : u know I might just buy one of those telly things for my mum

 **CannonBALLS** : she’d like one

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : How will u even pay for that tho

 **CannonBALLS** : WITH DEEZ KNUTS

 **Stardust** : Ron, no

 **CannonBALLS** : Ron, yes

 **Tiredofyourshit** : we are IN CLASS

 **ILivedBitch** : are we tho

 **Tiredofyourshit** : what do you even mean with that ofc we are!!

 **CannonBALLS** : hmmm does HoM rly count tho

 **Tiredofyourshit** : its an important class, boys

 **ILivedBitch** : binns literally bored himself to death mione

 **Spiderhuman** : sounds like it’d be safer for us… not to listen

 **Muffin #1** : why even go to class at all

 **BlondBitch** : u two aren’t in class

 **Muffin #2** : exactly

 **Muffin #1** : u know who didn’t notice that fact

 **Muffin #2** : binns. Binns didn’t notice that fact

 **Muffin #1** : we haven’t been in a single class of HoM since second year

 **Tiredofyourshit** : all of you are responsible for my headache I hope u suffer in hell

 **CannonBALLS** : even me, your wonderful, considerate boyfriend??????

 **Tiredofyourshit** : u can stay I guess

 **CannonBALLS** : YOU LOVE ME

 **Tiredofyourshit** : ugh

 **Knockyourwood** : u can use feverfew against headaches _@Tiredofyourshit_

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : NEVILLE

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : IS THAT A WEED

 **Knockyourwood** : what no

 **Knockyourwood** : I mean I guess it’s a minor natural sedative sooooo…

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : I’M CALLING THE AURORS

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : *throws floo powder out of the window *

 **Spiderhuman** : F.E.S. what's your emergency??

 **ILivedBitch** : wait what's fes

 **BlondBitch** : floo emergency services????

 **BlondBitch** : w h y don't you know that

 **ILivedBitch** : no (0) one told me

 **ExcuseYOU** : they have priority fireplaces to either the aurors or st mungos

 **Spiderhuman** : a dark lord tried to kill you since u were like a single year old and you didn't know about FES????

 **Spiderhuman** : h o w. are you even alive

 **ILivedBitch** : at this point? I'm not tbh

 **Fuckoffimreading** : oh merlin, same

 

 

 **Knockyourwood** : this is a psa my human is fucking beautiful

 **Knockyourwood** : wearing a suit??? Handsome. Breathtaking. A literal angel.

 **Knockyourwood** : wearing a skirt???? Beautiful. Inspiring. A goddess.

 **Knockyourwood** : I've been double b l e s s e d

 **Spiderhuman** : Omfg stop

 **Spiderhuman** : but also pls continue

 **Knockyourwood** : I almost cried when I saw ur dress today sweetheart I will continue til the world knows I won at life

 **Stardust** : u two are so cute stop it

 **ILivedBitch** : nev we know you love her

 **ILivedBitch** : u haven't slept in ur own bed ONCE this week

 **ILivedBitch** : it's Saturday

 **CannonBALLS** : c a l l  o u t

 **Spiderhuman** : we literally just cuddle tho

 **CannonBALLS** : right

 **CannonBALLS** : course u do

 **Muffin** **#1** : no they rly only do that

 **Muffin** **#2** : draco makes them leave the curtains open

 **BlondBitch** : no nasty business in our >>> s h a r e d <<<< dorm

 **ExcuseYOU** : let the kids have their fun draco

 **BlondBitch** : no (clapping emoji) nasty (clapping emoji) business (clapping emoji)

 **CannonBALLS** : idk how I ever doubted that malfoy is the mom

 **GossipQueen** : evry couple has at least one mom and one dad

 **GossipQueen** : weasley u are the dad and Granger is the mom

 **CannonBALLS** : can't argue that

 **Knockyourwood** : I'm the dad tbh

 **Spiderhuman** : true

 **Spiderhuman** : u are the one who takes our kids out on field trips and shit

 **Knockyourwood** : .... u want KIDS ??? with mE??!!!

 **Spiderhuman** : hagshhgaasdf nOT YET

 **Knockyourwood** : y e t ???!??!?!

 **BlondBitch** : No!!!! teenage!!!! pregnancies!!!!

 **ExcuseYOU** : well draco needs to find another dad to date bc I ain't dating a dude

 **CannonBALLS** : hey u know whos 100% a dad

 **CannonBALLS** : Harry. Harry is a dad

 **Spiderhuman** : wow u are def right

 **Spiderhuman** : _@BlondBitch_ did u hear? Potter is a dad. and u are a mom. crazy coincidence, am I right???

 **BlondBitch** : amazing

 **BlondBitch** : this will have no consequences whatsoever

 **Spiderhuman** : Draco

 **BlondBitch** : Blaise

 **GossipQueen** : Draco

 **BlondBitch** : Pansy

 **ILivedBitch** : Draco

 **BlondBitch** : Harry

 **BlondBitch** : I MEAN POTTER

 **BlondBitch** : Fuck

 **ILivedBitch** : no takebacks

 **BlondBitch** : u TRICKED me

 **ILivedBitch** : sure did Draco

 **ILivedBitch** : must have been my inner Slytherin

 **GossipQueen** : ur whAT

 **ILivedBitch** : *person who’s about to fuck up the sorting system* oh u didn't hear?

 **ILivedBitch** : sorting hat wanted me in Slytherin but I asked for Gryff

 **ExcuseYOU** : this... explains so much

 **GossipQueen** : why did u ask for Gryffindor??

 **ILivedBitch** : everyone was super sketchy about Slytherin and I wanted to be in the same house as my parents

 **ILivedBitch** : also Draco was a spoiled little asshole

 **BlondBitch** : I..... can't argue that

 **BlondBitch** : thanks for the past tense

 **Stardust** : the mom / dad thing is like ur parent-sona isn't it

 **Stardust** : everyone are you a mom or a dad

 **GossipQueen** : def mom

 **Stardust** : same

 **Thefirstone** : dad

 **Muffin #1** : dad

 **Muffin #2** : mom

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : hey what u all doing

 **Spiderhuman** : where have u been it’s been forever

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : well I def DIDN’T try to turn the lake into rum, got the giant squib drunk and almost drowned Dumblebro

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : hahaha no def did not do that

 **KeepHim** : u are such a disaster gay why am I dating u

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : cause im cute :P

 **KeepHim** : hmmm true

 **Stardust** : hey between u two who's the mom and who's the dad

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : uuuhhhhhhhhhh I'm the mom

 **GossipQueen** : why?

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : always trying to turn stuff into alcohol

 **KeepHim** : he's def the mom

 **GossipQueen** : you two are right can't believe I haven't seen it before

 **AngryCat** : hhhhhhhh mom

 **BlondBitch** : what about you son _@Fuckoffimreading_

 **Fuckoffimreading** : mom

 **Stardust** : wasn't sure about u tbh why mom

 **Fuckoffimreading** : tired

 **BlondBitch** : asfdsfj true

 **BlondBitch** : also u better believe I noticed u sneaking out last night

 **Fuckoffimreading** : I joined the hufflepuff orgy

 **BlondBitch** : you can't lie to ur own mother u ace hufflefuck

 **Fuckoffimreading** : whatever

 **BlondBitch** : I know u went to the forest theo

 **BlondBitch** : always take one of us with u it's dangerous alone

 **ILivedBitch** : the centaurs grant me free passage through the whole forest for saving Britain or smth

 **ILivedBitch** : I could join u Theo?

 **ILivedBitch** : u know I go there sometimes as well

 **Fuckoffimreading** : ..... okay

 **BlondBitch** : you'll make sure he's safe Harry, right?

 **ILivedBitch** : yes don't worry Draco

 **Spiderhuman** : (ur seeing this too right?)

 **CannonBALLS** : (yeah)

 **GossipQueen** : (I can't believe Potter and Draco have adopted Theo)

 **Thefirstone** : (who’s gonna tell snape his dad status already expired???)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the F.E.S. should be a thing. It makes so much sense, really. Like, if you were hurt really badly and can't apparate, how are you gonna get to St. Mungo's? Send an owl? Patronus messages are quite difficult as far as we know, and taking the Knight Bus would probably just kill you.  
> So.  
> Floo Emergency Services. Works with every random fireplace (or just an Incendio to a stack of wood), no actual floo connection needed and the service is 24/7. Misuse is fined quite heavily.
> 
> I feel like I'm gonna end up with a ton of headcanons bc of this fic and I will use them all in my Actual Fanfics.
> 
> Anyway.
> 
> How Are YOU, my lovely readers, I hope you're doing great, and thank you all so much for all the comments and the thousands of imaginary kudos you are gifting me with (and the actual ones of course!)
> 
> Until the next chapter, byeeeeeee :D


	8. In Which Ron Has Game And Harry Has A Dragon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Muffin #1** : do we need to review chapter 6  
>  **Stardust** : “chapter”????  
>  **Muffin #2** : he means conversation  
>  **Muffin #1** : yea that  
>  **Muffin #1** : damn autocorrect am I right haha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry for the wait everyone, but this last week was really draining and I was not in the mood for comedy at all.  
> BUT!  
> Today is/was a national holiday so I'm feeling better, and I will give you all a new chapter for all your kudos and comments and your support in general!!! So enjoy~~~
> 
> EDIT: none of u little shits told me about that random kyle meme thrown in between the lines where it def didn't belong i trusted u i trusted all of you how DARE YOU

**GossipQueen** : discourse

 **BlondBitch** : hoe don’t do it

 **GossipQueen** : animagi are simply your fursonas

 **BlondBitch** : jskadbl by circe pans

 **BlondBitch** : r e j e c t e d

 **Spiderhuman** : this just in Pansy Parkinson is officially CANCELLED

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I mean....

 **CannonBALLS** : honey no

 **ILivedBitch** : pleAse no

 **Tiredofyourshit** _is typing…_

 **Stardust** : _@GossipQueen_ this is your fault

 **Stardust** : she is running to the library

 **Stardust** : and texting

 **Stardust** : a t. t h e. s a m e. t i m e.

 **ExcuseYOU** : when will you learn that your actions have consequences

 **GossipQueen** : I did learn. I just don't care

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : why would u say something so controversial yet brave?

 **GossipQueen** : I take full responsibility

 **GossipQueen** : this will be my legacy

 **ILivedBitch** : k but real talk

 **ILivedBitch** : my godfather’s animagus is a dog and….

 **ILivedBitch** : I see it

 **CannonBALLS** : omg

 **CannonBALLS** : Minnie tho

 **CannonBALLS** : its canon

 **Stardust** : whats batdad’s animagus/fursona then?? A bat?

 **Knockyourwood** : skunk

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : nEVILLE HOLY SHIT

 **AngryCat** : this just in Neville killed batdad

 **Knockyourwood** : sometimes it just be like that

 **ExcuseYOU** : srsly why is Neville so much more.... confident here than irl?

 **Knockyourwood:** bc real life is loud and terrifying

 **Spiderhuman** : mood

 **Muffin #1:** same

 **Muffin #2:** same

 **Knockyourwood** : no but tbh I've had a speech impairment since I was a little child

 **Knockyourwood** : never as bad as fake quirrel but enough to make talking to people embarrassing

 **Knockyourwood** : the stutter is almost completely gone now but I still don't really like talking to people

 **Spiderhuman** : im the only one allowed to tease him about it fyi

 **Spiderhuman** : it gets really strong when I embarrass him it's super cute

 **GossipQueen** : just tell us when we make u uncomfortable, Neville

 **Knockyourwood** : sure, but its really no problem anymore

 **Spiderhuman** : the ONLY ONE

 **GossipQueen** : still, we're sorry for making fun of you before.... right, _@BlondBitch_

 **BlondBitch** : lay off me woman, I already apologized

 **GossipQueen** : what when

 **BlondBitch** : study group

 **Tiredofyourshit** : when did THAT happen

 **Tiredofyourshit** : and why wasn't I invited

 **CannonBALLS** : nothing brings her out of a research frenzy

 **ILivedBitch** : nothing but the thought of missing something else to learn

 **Knockyourwood** : herbology and potions have a lot in common but....

 **BlondBitch** : he sucks at potions

 **Knockyourwood** : hey. rude

 **Knockyourwood** : but also: true

 **BlondBitch** : and I could be better at herbology I guess

 **Spiderhuman** : he sucks

 **BlondBitch** : pardon me I don't think the fuck not I would NEVER

 **Spiderhuman** : _@ILivedBitch_ but he could ;)

 **BlondBitch** : Blaise I swear to Merlin I will bombarda u out of this realm

 **Spiderhuman** : I will haunt ur ass bitch

 **BlondBitch** : ew no thank u

 **Spiderhuman** : hey as a ghost do u need to pay rent?

 **ExcuseYOU** : i…. don’t think so?

 **Spiderhuman** : **[nice](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/170/759/7c9.gif)**

 **BlondBitch** : why are you my friend

 **Spiderhuman** : bc I thought you were worthy of me

 **BlondBitch** : urgh

 **BlondBitch** : well ANYWAY I’m OBVIOUSLY a dragon

 **Spiderhuman** : ur a fucking peacock draco don’t lie

 **BlondBitch** : jsabdaifahvfdd

 **BlondBitch** : what the FUCK is up KYLE

 **Spiderhuman** : omg stop

 **BlondBitch** : no what did you say WHAT THE FUCK DUDE. STEP THE FUCK UP KYLE

 **BlondBitch** : f i g h t  m e

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I had a whole essay prepared on this issue

 **Tiredofyourshit** : and here you are

 **Tiredofyourshit** : WASTING MY TIME with memes

 **CannonBALLS** : yea honey we know so what is your fursonanimagus

 **Tiredofyourshit** : well urs is a mole because ur burying yourself in shit and will be alone ur whole life Ronald

 **GossipQueen** : ooohhhhhh

 **ExcuseYOU** : oohhhhHHHHHHH

 **Spiderhuman** : OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH

 **CannonBALLS** : nah im not

 **CannonBALLS** : im some kind of dog probs because u are way smarter than I am and so I think everything you do is amazing

 **CannonBALLS** : ALSO whos gonna listen to your three hour TED talks about integration vs assimilation of muggleborns if not me

 **Tiredofyourshit** : ….

 **Tiredofyourshit** : u are so stupid

 **CannonBALLS** : but im YOUR stupid

 **Tiredofyourshit** : that makes NO sense but YES and if someone else gets ideas I might kill a bitch

 **Tiredofyourshit** : also im an owl

 **Muffin #2** : bc they are the animals of wisdom?

 **Tiredofyourshit** : yea but also cause English poets used to call them BIRDS OF DOOM

 **Tiredofyourshit** : bc I can and I will fuck. you. up.

 **CannonBALLS** : that’s my girlfriend right there!!

 **ILivedBitch** : that’s my platonic girlfriend right there!!

 **AngryCat** : I cant decide if we are the sane houses in the school or the crazy ones

 **GossipQueen** : im still shook by weasley’s flirting game

 **CannonBALLS** : WHY am I the only one u guys still call by the last name

 **CannonBALLS** : I thought we agreed on first names by a weird unspoken … thing

 **Fuckoffimreading** : do u really want us to call u RONALD

 **CannonBALLS** : wow

 **CannonBALLS** : you know what no, no I don’t like that

 **Muffin #1** : the ravens blew up the quidditch stands

 **Muffin #2** : they celebrated it as a success

 **Muffin #1** : theyre the crazy ones

 **CannonBALLS** : where are the names

 **Thefirstone** : Ron AGAIN u cant kill other students bc of an accident

 **CannonBALLS** : it was obviously NOT an accident

 **CannonBALLS** : T H E  N A M E S

  **AngryCat** : just go to the hospital wing and see who’s there

 **CannonBALLS** : on second thought

 **CannonBALLS** : no thank you

 **GossipQueen** : is it bc you are afraid of pompom

 **CannonBALLS** : that woman is a prison guard in disguise

 **ILivedBitch** : shes nice she gave me my own bed

 **ILivedBitch** : it has a name tag and everything

 **BlondBitch** : u …. have … an own bed … in the hospital wing

 **BlondBitch** : I am concern

 **Muffin #1** : do we need to review chapter 6

 **Stardust** : “chapter”????

 **Muffin #2** : he means conversation

 **Muffin #1** : yea that

 **Muffin #1** : damn autocorrect am I right haha

 **Stardust** : why do u give our conversations in the group chat numbers

 **Muffin #1** : only the ones relevant to the storylines have numbers

 **Thefirstone** : story … line

 **Muffin #2** : he means our live, relevant to our live

 **Muffin #1** : yea

 **Stardust** : is… is he okay

 **Muffin #2** : i mean

 **Muffin #2** : is anyone?

 

 **Fuckoffimreading** : help

 **BlondBitch** : WHO HURT YOU

 **BlondBitch** : I WILL KILL THEM

 **ILivedBitch** : (is draco okay?)

 **BlondBitch** : WHERE IS MY WAND

 **GossipQueen** : (generally? No.)

 **BlondBitch** : NVRMIND I GOT THE FIFTH PART OF THE HARRY POTTER MEMOIRS THAT WORKS TOO

 **Fuckoffimreading** : calm down geez

 **Fuckoffimreading** : I just need someone to distract pince while I sneak a few books out of the restricted section

 **Tiredofyourshit** : as the head girl I must say I disapprove

 **Tiredofyourshit** : as myself I am omw as long as I can read the books too

 **CannonBALLS** : u don't even know what books he's stealing mine

 **CannonBALLS** : * mione

 **CannonBALLS** : eh same thing

 **Tiredofyourshit** : first of all: books are books and all books should be read

 **Tiredofyourshit** : second of all I don't know if I am supposed to rebel against the casual possessiveness or be charmed by it

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I will settle for slight annoyance

 **CannonBALLS** : I can work with that

 **ILivedBitch** : hold up guys

 **ILivedBitch** : there are memoirs about me???

 **BlondBitch** : yes?

 **BlondBitch** : various once. and individual interpretations. the most popular one is five books long, the next is in progress

 **ILivedBitch** : WHY do u know all that

 **ILivedBitch** : WHY do I NOT know that

 **ILivedBitch** : and why do u even have them

 **GossipQueen** : I thought they were published with ur agreement??

 **ILivedBitch** : NO

 **Thefirstone** : you don’t get part of the profit?

 **ILivedBitch** : N O

 **ExcuseYOU** : ah do u smell that?

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : the burning clothes? Yea that's on me sry

 **ExcuseYOU** : no I was talking about the breeze of ink and fancy robes and enemies in tears

 **ExcuseYOU** : smells like a lawsuit

 **ILivedBitch** : aren’t memoirs written after you died???

 **ILivedBitch** : I am

 **ILivedBitch** : A L I V E

 **ILivedBitch** : (mostly)

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : u were dead tho right?

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : for a few minutes in the veil

 **KeepHim** : oh my god Karen u can’t just ask someone if they were dead

 **KeepHim** : #NotAllZombies identify as having been temporarily dead

 **ILivedBitch** : well, this might be 500 years too late

 **ILivedBitch** : but anyone knows a good lawyer? :D :D :D

 **Fuckoffimreading** : batdad can get u a meeting with the same lawyer who managed my adoption and prepares the case against Nott-my-father-anymore, I guess

 **ILivedBitch** : thanks theo, ill go ask him!

 **Tiredofyourshit** : hey btw since we were talking about dragons etc before

 **Tiredofyourshit** : You need to get rid of the dragon, H

 **BlondBitch** : ehm

 **BlondBitch** : pardon me?

 **Tiredofyourshit** : …. Not you, Draco

 **CannonBALLS** : I can’t believe he felt addressed by that

 **Muffin #1** : his mom calls him ‘little dragon’

 **Muffin #2** : he acts as if he hates it

 **Muffin #1** : but he still has his dragon plushie his father gave him for his …4th birthday

 **Muffin #2** : 3rd

 **Muffin #1** : ah ur right

 **BlondBitch** : I WAS BETRAYED

 **BlondBitch** : STABBED IN THE BACK BY MY OWN FRIENDS

 **ExcuseYOU** : Literally everyone knows ur a pathetic softie draco

 **Spiderhuman** : yea your cover was blown ages ago

 **AngryCat** : wait which dragon was hermione talking about then?

 **Spiderhuman** : HARRY DO YOU HAVE A PET DRAGON????

 **ILivedBitch** : no? do I look like Hagrid to you?

 **Tiredofyourshit** : the TWT champions got miniatures of the dragons they had to fight

 **Tiredofyourshit** : H somehow managed to keep his “alive” up until now

 **Tiredofyourshit** : but it causes mayhem in the tower _@ILivedBitch_ and IT NEEDS TO GO

 **ILivedBitch** : YOU DON’T HAVE ALL THE FACTS

 **Tiredofyourshit** : Which are?????

 **ILivedBitch** : I LOVE HIM

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : Harry he tried to eat your socks yesterday

 **ILivedBitch** : That’s not so bad???

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : Your feet were INSIDE the socks

 **ILivedBitch** : ????? he’s jUST

 **ILivedBitch** : TrYING his BEST

 **ILivedBitch** : following his INSTINCTS bc he’s a healthy little dragon baby

 **KeepHim** : that’s nice and all but his instincts are to eat you

 **ILivedBitch** : I know that and I love him

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **GossipQueen** _to_ **BlondBitch**

 **GossipQueen** : so….

 **BlondBitch** : don’t ask

 **GossipQueen** : are you gonna ask Harry if you can see…. his… little dragon? ;)

 **BlondBitch** : the fucking wink emoji was unnecessary pans

 **BlondBitch** : and no I won’t

 **BlondBitch** : fuck off

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **CannonBALLS** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **CannonBALLS** : if malfoy asks you, are u gonna show him your dragon? ;) ;)

 **CannonBALLS** : and by dragon I mean your dick

_This user has blocked you_

**CannonBALLS** : aw come on H why do u always do this

_Message unable to send_

**CannonBALLS** : D:

_Message unable to send_

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **BlondBitch** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **BlondBitch** : may I?

 **ILivedBitch** : 7th floor after dinner?

 **ILivedBitch** : u can feed him if you want then he’ll like you :D

 **BlondBitch** : that would be great, thank you, Harry

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN UP Y’ALL if you give me a fucking miniature dragon which moves and breathes fire and shit you better believe im gonna adopt it. That’s my tiny dragon son now. Mine. I love him and he can do no wrong.
> 
> Also, Crabbe amd Goyle are apparently experts in breaking the 4th wall, because why not.
> 
> I promise I read all your comments (shoutout to @Doctor_Moo bc I'm a Raven as well, and @bellaphone for commenting about 10 times and burying me in memes!). I will reply to them when I feel less like I am MELTING bc fuck it is way too hot to think right now.


	9. Meanwhile...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Fuckoffimreading** : draco would’ve killed me  
>  **ILivedBitch** : what why  
>  **Fuckoffimreading** : oh no im not gonna be involved in The Mess™  
>  **ILivedBitch** : is The Mess™ smth like The Thing™ ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO my beautiful readers and memers!!  
> (Is memers a thing? If yes, then it probably shouldn't be, tbh..)
> 
> There’s a disturbing lack of memes in this chapter and a worrying amount of actual plot (how???), but it’s still one of my favorite chapters so far, so I hope you all will like it too. ^^ Also, I think it migth be the longest chap so far.
> 
> There are some new names here. They are pretty easy to recognize out so if u want to figure it out on your own just read the chapter. There’s a complete user name guide in the notes at the end of the chapter if you prefer knowing them beforehand.
> 
> ALSO if you didn't notice, the relationship tags were updated. So yea. That's a thing that happens :D

**Direct** **message** _from_ **ImStupid** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **ImStupid** : u wanna get drinks at hogsmeade this weeknd?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : no

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **Fuckoffimreading**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : the court meeting is at 5pm on sat

 **HalfBloodPrince** : do you want me to sched another session with mrs heyer beforehand?

 **Fuckoffimreading** : yes please

 **Fuckoffimreading** : how is The Thing™ going?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : Theodore I swear to God

 **Fuckoffimreading** : did he ask again?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : there is NO thing

 **Fuckoffimreading** : but there is a Thing™

 **Fuckoffimreading** : u know they are serious, right?

 **Fuckoffimreading** : ha, “serious” ;)

 **HalfBloodPrince** : they are not

 **HalfBloodPrince** : and if you ever text me that face again I’ll disown you

 **Fuckoffimreading** : no u won’t

 **Fuckoffimreading** : when am I getting a brother?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : never because children are horrible

 **Fuckoffimreading** : haha right but srsly tho

 **HalfBloodPrince** : we are working on it, the muggles are making problems again

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **ImWithStupid** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **ImWithStupid** : healers cleared padfoot

 **ImWithStupid** : he’ll leave st mungo's next weekend

 **HalfBloodPrince** : whatever

 **HalfBloodPrince** : tell the mutt to visit that horrible godson of his

 **HalfBloodPrince** : his moping is annoying

 **ImWithStupid** : it’s nice to see you care, Severus :)

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I really don’t

 **ImWithStupid** : sure you don’t

 **ImWithStupid** : do you want to celebrate the good news with padfoot and me?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : no

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **ImStupid** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **ImStupid** : I’M FREEEEEEEEEEEEE

 **ILivedBitch** : YEEEESSSSSSSSS

 **ILivedBitch** : all clear???

 **ImStupid** : “The patient shows no more impairing effects from the extended exposure to dementors”

 **ImStupid** : tomorrow im getting a new wand!!!!

 **ILivedBitch** : awesome!!

 **ILivedBitch** : adoption still a no no tho?

 **ImStupid** : ahhhhh im sorry prongslet

 **ImStupid** : you know moony and I think of you as a son

 **ImStupid** : but with his furry problem and me still being under medical surveillance and no stable income we def won’t get it through before next summer

 **ImStupid** : and I don’t want you to go back there even for a single day

 **ILivedBitch** : it’s okay

 **ILivedBitch** : plan B for Batdad is going great after all

 **ILivedBitch** : and if everything works out im gonna be your adopted son anyway

 **ImStupid** : I’M TRYING HARRY

 **ImStupid** : he’s so stubborn akbdsalfb

 **ILivedBitch** : he prob thinks ur making fun of him

 **ImStupid** : akbdlfbl really???? still???

 **ImStupid** : GOTTA GO

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **Lemonade** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **Lemonade** : how is The Thing going?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : THER E  IS NO THING

 **HalfBloodPrince** : GO AWAY

 

**Group chat: TIRED™**

**GringGods** : how did Ravenclaw lose so many house points in just a few hours??

 **HalfBloodPrince** : bc I can’t just expel all of them

 **HalfBloodPrince** : this was the second best option

 **GringGods** : but what did my children doooo

 **CatsDoItBetter** : they blew up half of the qudditch stands filius

 **CatsDoItBetter** : apparently they tested the theory that pepper-up can increase the strength of a spell if you use it to draw enhancement runes on your wand

 **GringGods** : FASCINATING

 **Gringods** : and it worked????? !!

 **HalfBloodPrince** : half. the. quidditch. stands.

 **Plant-Mom** : someone could have gotten hurt filius

 **GringGods** : ah yes

 **GringGods** : I will of course speak with them yes yes

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I would wait a few hours

 **HalfBloodPrince** : the explosion turned them tempor deaf

 **CatsDoItBetter** : it could have been due to them screaming “YES! SCIENCE, BITCHES!” as well

 **HalfBloodPrince** : true

 **MRnorris** : I ain’t cleaning that

 **MRnorris** : fucking terror children

 **MRnorris** : WHY are there so many of them???

 **Plant-Mom** : it’s a school, arnold

 **MRnorris** : that's not my name and that doesn’t mean we need that many children

 **Cassandra** : there will be a sudden drop of numbers next week im afraid

 **Cassandra** : a horrible potions accident will kill half of the students

 **MRnorris** : good

 **HalfBloodPrince** : the only potions accident will be me emptying a cauldron of living death over both of u

 **Horrorscopes** : is it an accident if u plan it tho

 **HalfBloodPrince** : try me

 **AlbusYourCheckUpIsAt10AM** : I need a raise

 **Lemonade** : but my dear poppy, didn’t u have one two weeks ago?

 **AlbusYourCheckUpIsAt10AM** : yes

 **AlbusYourCheckUpIsAt10AM** : ur point?

 **CatsDoItBetter** : she deserves a raise

 **Lemonade** : that’s what you always say

 **CatsDoItBetter** : ur point?

 **AlbusYourCheckUpIsAt10AM** : _@Lemonade_ it is 9:56 and you are not in my office

 **AlbusYourCheckUpIsAt10AM** : u better start running now

 **GringGods** : wow albus is FAST if motivated

**AlbusYourCheckUpIsAt10AM** _changed their name to_ **FiliusYourCheckUpIsAt3PM**

**GringGods** : :/

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **ImStupid** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **ImStupid** : u know we aren’t joking, right?

 **ImStupid** : I thought we left the past behind us

 **ImStupid** : we both just rly like you

 **HalfBloodPrince** : sure jan

 **ImStupid** : HASDBFAKBFVAF

 **ImStupid** : THIS IS WHY WE ARE TRYING TO DATE YOU

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **ImStupid** _to_ **ImWithStupid**

 **ImStupid** : do u think he’d dig a public serenade

 **ImWithStupid** : oh he’d dig SOMETHING

 **ImWithStupid** : and by something I mean your grave

 **ImStupid** : :(

 **ImStupid** : it was far easier to convince you to date me

 **ImWithStupid** : Sirius you saw me in the shower in fifth year, whispered “fuck ur hot” and ran away

 **ImStupid** : wE AGREED TO NEVER TALK ABOUT THAT AGAIN

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **ILivedBitch** _to_ **Fuckoffimreading**

 **ILivedBitch** : do u know about The Thing™

 **Fuckoffimreading** : im already aware that I’ll have three dads, yes

 **ILivedBitch** : g o o d

 **ILivedBitch** : we shouldn’t meddle tho, right?

 **Fuckoffimreading** : right

 **ILivedBitch** : ….

 **Fuckoffimreading** : 7th floor in 15min?

 **ILivedBitch** : fuck yes

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **ImWithStupid**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : the muggles agreed to sign off Harry to me if we pay them the total of monthly payments they would have gotten until Harry’s eighteenth birthday

 **ImWithStupid** : how much is that?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : doesn’t matter

 **HalfBloodPrince** : Albus is paying

 **ImWithStupid** : good

 **ImWithStupid** : he should be sorry for leaving Harry in that hell

 **HalfBloodPrince** : u know he is

 **ImWithStupid** : Harry is going to be ecstatic

 **HalfBloodPrince** : i guess

 **HalfBloodPrince** : everything is better than tuny and that walrus

 **ImWithStupid** : you know Harry genuinely looks up to you, right?

 **ImWithStupid** : there’s bad blood between you but its in the past and he can see you trying

 **HalfBloodPrince** : … whatever

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **Fuckoffimreading**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : just got a firecall from Azkaban

 **HalfBloodPrince** : fuckface is officially where he belongs

 **Fuckoffimreading** : i…

 **Fuckoffimreading** : that’s great

 **HalfBloodPrince** : Theo it’s okay to not want your father in prison and it’s okay to want it

 **HalfBloodPrince** : it’s also okay to be angry about feeling conflicted

 **HalfBloodPrince** : you know I felt the same

 **Fuckoffimreading** : …. Okay, thank you

 **HalfBloodPrince** : would you prefer to sleep in my guest room tonight?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : theo?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : thedore snape by merlin's beard

 **HalfBloodPrince** : … nevermind I heard your knock, omw

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **ImStupid** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **ImStupid** : congrts on the official adoption of the nott kid

 **HalfBloodPrince** : he’s a snape now

 **ImStupid** : good

 **ImStupid** : an UPGRADE

 **ImStupid** : btw

 **ImStupid** : u know what’s also an upgrade?????

 **ImStupid** : having TWO boyfriends instead of only ONE

 **HalfBloodPrince** : wereboy is your fiancé u dipshit

 **ImStupid** : WEREBOY

 **ImStupid** : im telling moony

 **ImStupid** : also

 **ImStupid** : I didn’t want to presume but like

 **ImStupid** : having two fiancés would be great too

 **HalfBloodPrince** : just

 **HalfBloodPrince** : stop

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **ImStupid** _to_ **ImWithStupid**

 **ImStupid** : I THINK I ACCIDENTALY JUST PROPOSED TO SEV

 **ImWithStupid** : padfoot

 **ImWithStupid** : padfoot no

 **ImWithStupid** : we wanted to wait with that

 **ImStupid** : Im sorRY

 **ImStupid** : pls refer to my username

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **CatsDoItBetter** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **CatsDoItBetter** : you better invite me to the wedding, kid

 **HalfBloodPrince** : THERE WILL BE NO WEDDING

 **HalfBloodPrince** : and I am 36 Minerva, don’t do this to me

 **CatsDoItBetter** : I want to sit in the first row

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **ILivedBitch** _to_ **Fuckoffimreading**

 **ILivedBitch** : btw this is gonna be awkward but I’ve been stressing about this forever and I need to ask you

 **Fuckoffimreading** : pls don’t have a crush on me

 **ILivedBitch** : WHAT

 **ILivedBitch** : N O !!!

 **ILivedBitch** : I mean no offense and stuff, ur cute I guess, but REALLY NOT MY TYPE

 **Fuckoffimreading** : oh thank merlin

 **Fuckoffimreading** : draco would’ve killed me

 **ILivedBitch** : what why

 **Fuckoffimreading** : oh no im not gonna be involved in The Mess™

 **ILivedBitch** : is The Mess™ smth like The Thing™ ?

 **Fuckoffimreading** : wow look at the time, better hurry up and change the topic

 **Fuckoffimreading** : what did u want to talk about?

 **ILivedBitch** : ah yes

 **ILivedBitch** : uhhhh

 **ILivedbitch** : I just… I don’t want to …. U know…. Steal snape from you. You know that, right? I mean he just adopted you and here I am wanting the same and I would totally undersdtand if you’d prefer to have snape to yourself so if you want me to u know back off that would be okay really I understand

 **Fuckoffimreading** : w o w

 **Fuckoffimreading** : look at that pile of shit

 **Fuckoffimreading** : a giant pile of centaur shit

 **ILivedBitch** : ….????

 **Fuckoffimreading** : harry im just waiting for the moment batdad truly realizes that he ended up with two sons and two husbands

 **Fuckoffimreading** : and then im gonna take a picture of his face and build a museum with only that picture inside

 **Fuckoffimreading** : it will be GLORIOUS

 **Fuckoffimreading** : don’t worry, im fine

 **ILivedBitch** : oh good

 **ILivedBitch** : I’m looking forward to being your official brother :D

 **Fuckoffimreading** : as long as u keep your nasty quidditch stuff away from my precious books we’re fine

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **LegallyBlond** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **LegallyBlond** : I was told to tell you that you need to inform us appropriately early in advance of the date of your wedding as we need to tell our tailor about the theme of the wedding at least two months before the dress rehearsal.

 **LegallyBlond** : I was also told to tell you that there better be a theme because weddings without a theme tend to be a ‘melting pot of clashing colours’.

 **LegallyBlond** : Furthermore Narcissa wants to know when you’ll bring your newly adopted son for dinner.

 **HalfBloodPrince** : wow lucy how do you even sit on your arse when it’s SO WHIPPED

 **LegallyBlond** : Wow sevvie when are you going to admit that you are too afraid to fuck up the chance with those two idiots to even try in the first place?!

 **HalfBloodPrince** : … fuck you

 **LegallyBlond** : Okay fair, I was out of place.

 **LegallyBlond** : Do you want to come over and get mad over reruns of Big Brother so you’ll rant over your feelings and at least ADMIT to liking them?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : yes to the first part

 **HalfBloodPrince** : wait

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I have a child now

 **HalfBloodPrince** : fuck I can’t just leave what if smth happens?? I need to show that I’m here right? Fuck what was I thinking I’m not prepared to be a father figure

 **LegallyBlond** : Sev you have like…

 **LegallyBlond** : How many slytherins are there?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : roughly 70

 **LegallyBlond** : You have roughly 70 children, you’ll be fine

 **LegallyBlond** : Theodore isn’t suddenly a helpless toddler simply because he now has a reliable, responsible father figure.

 **LegallyBlond** : If you worry so much just tell wonder boy to watch his younger brother.

 **LegallyBlond** : Cissy expects you and you know better than to disappoint her.

 **HalfBloodPrince** : ….  I still don’t know how you survive your own marriage

 **LegallyBlond** : By cherishing my beautiful wife, who is in fact the best wife anyone could have.

 **HalfBloodPrince** : the scariest wife

 **LegallyBlond** : That is literally what I just said, Severus.

 **LegallyBlond** : Sunday?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : yes whatever

 **LegallyBlond** : Great, Narcissa is looking forward to see you. Me as well, I guess.

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **Lemonade** _to_ **CatsDoItBetter**

 **Lemonade** : do u know what would be hilarious

 **CatsDoItBetter** : Albus no

 **Lemonade** : firing that mallory guy and re-hiring remus as dada teacher

 **Lemonade** : he and young sirius can live here

 **Lemonade** : maybe severus would be so kind to share his quarters with them

 **CatsDoItBetter** : Albus NO

 **Lemonade** : Albus yes

 **CatsDoItBetter** : you can’t meddle with the teachers’ lives like that

 **CatsDoItBetter** : let severus figure it out by himself

 **CatsDoItBetter** : and Stupid and Reasonable deserve to have to work for winning severus over

 **Lemonade** : okay so they get their own quarters

 **Lemonade** : which might or might not be located conveniently close to the dungeons

 **Lemonade** : but can I pls fire mallory

 **CatsDoItBetter** : WHAT has mallory ever done to you

 **CatsDoItBetter** : he’s a perfectly adequate teacher

 **Lemonade** : he’s so B O R I N G

 **Lemonade** : mallory more like mallo-BORE amiright ;)

 **CatsDoItBetter** : you can’t fire people because you think they’re boring, albus

 **Lemonade** : here at Hogwarts we only have space for one (1) boring teacher

 **Lemonade** : that position has been filled by binns for 147 years and he’s still kicking it

 **Lemonade** : a true performer, such dedication, much ghostiness

 **CatsDoItBetter** : albus

 **Lemonade** : SIRIUS WOULD FIND MY PUNS ABOUT MUGGLE SWEETS HILARIOUS, DAMN IT MINERVA

 **Lemonade** : pplllleeeeeeaaaaasseeeee

 **CatsDoItBetter** : ….

 **CatsDoItBetter** : you have until winter break to find a REASONABLE reason for firing Mallory

 **Lemonade** : YES

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ImStupid** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **ImStupid** : do u want to go to a movies with moony and me?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : it’s either “see a movie” or “go to the movies” dumbass

 **ImStupid** : is that a yes :D

 **HalfBloodPrince** : it’s a fuck no

 **ImStupid** : oh come on sev

 **ImStupid** : why don’t you just give us a chance

 **HalfBloodPrince** : in third grade I had an argument with Lucius during the winter holidays and I lost my only friend for almost three months

 **HalfBloodPrince** : during that time I got a valentine’s card and I KNEW it was a joke because who the fuck would ever actually like “snivellus”, right Black? But I had ZERO friends and I was desperate and I allowed myself to hope

 **HalfBloodPrince** : do you remember the end of this story black

 **ImStupid** : I… yes. I remember

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I don’t even remember all the times you and ur funny little friends publically humiliated me, but if you think I’m falling for the same shit joke again you are fucking wrong

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I will be civil to you and the werewolf because I have come to genuinely care for Harry and I know you two are important to him but

 **HalfBloodPrince** : please

 **HalfBloodPrince** : just stop this

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ImStupid** _to_ **ImWithStupid**

 **ImStupid** _sent a picture_

 **ImStupid** _sent a picture_

 **ImStupid** _sent a picture_

 **ImStupid** : what are we going to do, remus

 **ImStupid** : I KNOW we were little shitheads but… he’s still so hurt

 **ImWithStupid** : I know siri

 **ImWithStupid** : tbh no matter how much we care about him, sometimes I think it would be better to… leave him be

 **ImWithStupid** : but thx to Lucius we KNOW that severus likes both of us and has done so for a long time. And he was receptive to our advances last year

 **ImStupid** : so… what do we do?

 **ImWithStupid** : we keep trying to convince him that this is not a joke

 **ImWithStupid** : and we infiltrate his life from below

 **ImWithStupid** : we need to get the Theodore kid on our side

 **ImStupid** : okay. I just… I really don’t want to hurt him anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore

 **ImWithStupid** : I know, and we will work this out, I promise

 **ImWithStupid** : oh also

 **ImWithStupid** _has forwarded an email_

 **ImWithStupid** : apparently albus is already on our side;)

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : Mr. Potter, I will be away on Sunday and while Theodore has assured me that he’ll be fine I would be grateful if you could keep an eye on him while I am out of the castle

 **ILivedBitch** : i… what

 **HalfBloodPrince** : fucking watch your little brother Potter

 **HalfBloodPrince** _has left the chat_

 **ILivedBitch** : W H A T ?!

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **BlondBitch**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I apologize

 **BlondBitch** : I demand compensation

 **HalfBloodPrince** : no

 **BlondBitch** : damn it

 **BlondBitch** : whatever, what are you apologizing for anyway?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : breaking your boyfriend

 **BlondBitch** : he’s NOT my boyfriend

 **HalfBloodPrince** : the fact that u know who im talking about says otherwise

 **HalfBloodPrince** : anyway I might have forgotten that I haven’t adopted him yet so…. He might be a bit confused

 **BlondBitch** : damn it

 **BlondBitch** : were it not for the rules of this school I would have cursed you for this

 **BlondBitch** : harry gets easily emotionally overwhelmed sev

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I know so go be a good boyfriend while I get drunk with your father

 **BlondBitch** : you are a horrible godfather slash future father of my future husband

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> User Name Guide:
> 
> TEACHERS  
> Snape: HalfBloodPrince  
> Minnie: CatsDoItBetter  
> Flitwick: Gringods  
> Sprout: Plant-Mom  
> Dumbles: Lemonade  
> Filch: MRnorris  
> Trelawny: Cassandra  
> Pomfrey: random appointments  
> Sinistra: Horrorscopes
> 
> MARAUDERS  
> Sirius: ImStupid  
> Remus: ImWithStupid
> 
> DIVA  
> Lucius: LegallyBlond
> 
> I really hope you all like this chapter cause I LOVED writing it and I got to introduce the teachers’ group chat and I’m so proud of Lucius’ user name so… yeah :D Lucius and Narcissa are giving me LIFE everyone.
> 
> Really tho I had no idea this fic would involve so much plot. Where did it come from? Where does it go? Nobody knows ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ (least of all me, tbh)
> 
> HAPPY PRIDE MONTH everyone!!!


	10. Truths and Lies and Disney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Spiderhuman** : I think the original meme was a bit more sophisticated  
>  **Fuckoffimreading** : it’s a meme, blaise, how sophisticated can it be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I here?????
> 
> YES
> 
> Am I queer?????
> 
> YES!
> 
> Am I obsessed with Queer Eye and has my English inner monologue adapted Jonathan Van Ness’ fabulous way of talking???
> 
> I SURE AM AND IT SURE HAS!
> 
> Okay my lovely human friends and all potential extraterrestrial readers, I am so hecking sorry for disappearing for… almost a month. Do I have a valid reason?? Yes. Maybe. I think so.
> 
> So the last few weeks I basically rotated between working, writing my last assignment for the semester and preparing for my internship abroad. By now I arrived at where I will live and work for the next two months and I am familiar with my flat and I met most of my colleagues and started working here, but it’s still A LOT and I haven’t really been on AO3 in like a month and I haven’t opened Word outside of work and I WAS BUSY YOU GUYS.
> 
> BUT!
> 
> I acknowledge the pain you all surely suffered due to my absence (look at me thinking I'm important, give it up for self-confidence, everybody), and therefore I am paying you back with TWO long-ish chapters (pls love me again). The first one (this one) is more about humour and the second one, which I will upload tomorrow evening will have Actual Plot™. 
> 
> Okay, enough of me, here's the chapter. If you need a reminder of the usernames pls look it up in the first few chapters bc I'm just lazy like that :)

 

 **GossipQueen** : Surprise Bitches!

 **Muffin #1** : what

 **Muffin #2** : ???

 **GossipQueen:** what do u mean ‘what’

 **Muffin #1** : u can’t just say that without a follow up

 **Muffin #2** : like ‘I bet you thought I was gone but no bitch, here I am’

 **Spiderhuman** : I think the original meme was a bit more sophisticated

 **Fuckoffimreading** : it’s a meme, blaise, how sophisticated can it be

 **Spiderhuman** : yeah well, true, BUT that dress of that woman was On Point

 **Spiderhuman** : I want that dress

 **Knockyourwood** : you’d look amazing in that dress

 **Spiderhuman** : thank you <3 <3 <3

 **BlondBitch** : yeah anyway, pansy, what did u mean by that

 **GossipQueen** : merlin, I didn’t  m e a n  anything

 **GossipQueen** : I just wanted to announce myself in some way

 **BlondBitch** : u don’t need to announce urself, girl, we all know ur here

 **GossipQueen** : bc u love me and always pay attention to me?? :) :)

 **BlondBitch** : nah bc ur really fucking loud

 **GossipQueen** : *gasp* rude

 **ExcuseYOU** : u don’t have to announce urself by misusing memes, pans, just tell us what u want

 **GossipQueen** : ok I get the message, u all suck, let it go already

 **Stardust** : (Let it go)

 **Thefirstone** : (Let it gooooo)

 **Stardust** : (Can’t hold memes back anymore)

 **Thefirstone** : (Let it meme, let it meeeeeme)

 **Stardust** : (text away and slam those keys)

 **Thefirstone** : (I don’t CARE, what memes ur going to use)

 **Stardust** : (let the trolls rage on)

 **Thefirstone** : (the haters never bothered me anyways)

 **KeepHim** : *applause*

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : I’m beghosted!!

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : (that means I’m amazed in German)

 **ExcuseYOU** : (you are somehow really wrong but also kind of right and that annoys me)

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : (yeah that’s my speciality)

 **AngryCat** : (being right and wrong at the same time?)

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : (no, being annoying)

 **GossipQueen** : yeah well now that I have all of your attention: millie told me something I would like to verify

 **AngryCat** : I did?

 **GossipQueen** : yes u did. The Thing, remember?

 **ILivedBitch** : wait, snape’s The Thing????

 **GossipQueen** : what? No. batdad has A Thing too??

 **ILivedBitch** : uuuhhhhmmmmm I know nothing

 **AngryCat** : no I remember what she’s talking about

 **AngryCat** : _@ILivedBitch_ is it true that you reparo-ed the quidditch stands with a single spell

 **ILivedBitch** : wat

 **ILivedBitch** : haha no

 **KeepHim** : lol who said that

 **AngryCat** : some 2ndy puffs

 **ILivedBitch** : well its not true

 **ILivedBitch** : it took three

 **AngryCat** : … what

 **Fuckoffimreading** : you’re joking, right?

 **ILivedBitch** : no?

 **Spiderhuman** : merlin, harry, wtf

 **GossipQueen** : How powerful are u

 **KeepHim** : Wtf harry you said it took ‘a lot’

 **KeepJim** : ‘a lot’ is not three (3)

 **ILivedBitch** : …. I don’t think im really powerful?

 **ILivedBitch** : Like average I guess?

 **CannonBALLS** : H you forced an apparition without even knowing how it works

 **Stardust** : What??? When?

 **Tiredofyourshit** : During the duel against voldeshit when he apparated next to Sirius to pull him away

 **ILivedBitch** : But that doesn’t count

 **ILivedBitch** : Apparition isn’t that special is itz

 **ILivedBitch** : I did it when I was like 8 yo accidentally too

 **BlondBitch** : What

 **BlondBitch** : The fuck

 **ILivedBitch** : Is that not normal????

 **CannonBALLS** : H accident magic is like…. Letting a toy float

 **Spiderhuman** : How far did u apparate

 **ILivedBitch** : umm…. A few meters? Onto the roof of our school

 **GossipQueen** : ASDJVAF

 **GossipQueen** : HOW BITCH

 **Spiderhuman** : WHY BITCH

 **ILivedBitch** : I n c e n t i v e s

 **Thefirstone** : Harry…. Do u know ur magical level?

 **Thefirstone** : Like… if u are fine with telling us?

 **ILivedBitch** : I got tested after the ministry stuff to make sure the void didn’t mess with my magic

 **ILivedBitch** : My level is avg like I said, im a 4.7 apparently???

 **ILivedBitch** : the healers said I could go up to a 5 when my magic matures at 17 whatever tf that means

 **Spiderhuman** : …

 **Knockyourwood** : …

 **Knockyourwood** : Who’s gonna tell him?

 **KeepHim** : U tell him

 **Knockyourwood** : No u

 **CannonBALLS** : Let his boyfriend do it

 **BlondBitch** : Not his boyfriend but no weasley, u do it

 **CannonBALLS** : Let his gf do it

 **Tiredofyourshit** : merlin, srsly boys?

 **Tiredofyourshit** : Harry, the average wizard/witch has a magical power level between 2.1 and 2.6

 **Tiredofyourshit** : The highest level is generally believed to be a 5 but it can be surpassed by wizards with “Lord status” (an outdated and not scientifically testable term imo)

 **Tiredofyourshit** : Dumbledore is an extremely powerful wizard and they say he could be a 5.1 maybe 5.2, Volacipmert was probably at the same level

 **Tiredofyourshit** : Merlin is believed to have had a level of maybe around 5.6

 **ILivedBitch** : I

 **ILivedBitch** : I thought the scale is 1 to 10

 **ILivedBitch** : Im not sure what to do with this information

 **ILivedBitch** : can I be just normal like at least once pls

 **BlondBitch** : Don’t go around telling anyone about ur level tho, srsly

 **ILivedBitch** : yea that would be bad

 **ILivedBitch** : I can see the headlines already

 **ILivedBitch** : Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-Powerful-Enough-To-Potentially-Betray-Us- So-Everyone- Better-Start-Hating-Him-Again

 **ExcuseYOU** : if anyone asks im still voting for lawsuit

 **AngryCat** : u are always voting for a lawsuit

 **ExcuseYOU** : yes because that’s how u destroy lives legally and get some mooonneeeeeyyyyy

 **Fuckoffimreading** : _@ExcuseYOU_ the first lawsuit is still in preparation, hold ur hippogryffs smh

 **Tiredofyourshit** : ok but honestly I should have expected this since third year

 **Muffin #2** : why

 **Tiredofyourshit** : u know the patronus charm, right?

 **GossipQueen** : yea it’s a sixth year spell

 **BlondBitch** : u get extra credit on your OWLs if u can cast it

 **CannonBALLS** : H can cast a corporeal one

 **CannonBALLS** : since third year

 **BlondBitch** : seriously wtf potter

 **ILivedBitch** : why am I potter again???

 **BlondBitch** : bc I am annoyed by the fact that I knew NOTHING about all of this

 **ILivedBitch** : D:

 **Tiredofyourshit** : but WAIT

 **Tiredofyourshit:** THERE’S MORE

 **ILivedBitch** : why

 **Tiredofyourshit** : H produced a patronus so strong it chased away about 30 dementors at once

 **Stardust** : aaksdvkfv WE DIDN’T KNOW THAT

 **Spiderhuman** : wtf wtf wtf

 **Spiderhuman** : _@BlondBitch_ are u sure about this????

 **BlondBitch** : more than ever

 **Spiderhuman** : (are you going to DO smth about it???)

 **BlondBitch** : (no comment stfu blaise)

 **ILivedBitch** : lisTEN if YOU grow up KNOWING you’ll probably be in moRTAL DanGER this year AGAIN because it hAPPEnS EveRY YeAR then you L E A R N some stuff

 **ILivedBitch** : let’s end this discussion

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : OH! We could play a game!!!

 **Tiredofyourshit** : OR we could LISTEN to the class we are currently in. you know. Just as a thought.

 **Fuckoffimreading** : Hermione.

 **Fuckoffimreading** : it’s history

 **Tiredofyourshit** : it’s STILL IMPORTANT

 **CannonBALLS** : mione u already know all this stuff

 **Tiredofyourshit** : well…. Yes

 **CannonBALLS** : so what game _@IfFoundReturnToDean_

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : two truths one lie

 **KeepHim** : that’s kinda cliché isn’t it?

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : BETRAYED

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : by my OWN boyfriend

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** _changed their name to_ **IfFoundReturnToNev**

 **Knockyourwood** : wait why me

 **Spiderhuman** : um excuse YOU bitch, but that’s MY boyfriend I found him FIRST

 **IfFoundReturnToNev** : Neville is wholesome, he wouldn’t hurt me like that

 **Spiderhuman** : lol which chat have you been added to

 **Spiderhuman** : cause its not this chat if u think nev is wholesome

 **Spiderhuman** : Nev = looks like a cinnamonroll but could actually kill you

 **KeepHim** : come back to meeeeeee

 **IfFoundReturnToNev** : why tho

 **KeepHim** : I kinda love ur stupid face

 **IfFoundReturnToNev** : …… okay

 **IfFoundReturnToNev** _changed their name to_ **IfFoundReturnToDean**

 **KeepHim** : :D

 **GossipQueen** : wow ur easy

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : i mean…. Yes

 **BlondBitch** : that’s great and all but what is that game

 **Tiredofyourshit** : you have to tell everyone three facts about urself: two are true and one is false. We have to guess which one is the lie

 **ExcuseYOU** : so basically u give us potential blackmail material

 **ExcuseYOU** : freely

 **ExcuseYOU** : nice

 **Stardust** : u don’t have to be so slytherin about it, its just a fun game

 **BlondBitch** : being a slytherin is a full time job, my dear

 **KeepHim** : I start

 **KeepHim** : I walked in on Flint and Oliver having (hate?) sex once. I have a pet turtle. Lion King is the best Disney movie.

 **CannonBALLS** : EW

 **CannonBALLS** : THAT’S A PICTURE IN MY HEAD NOW

 **CannonBALLS** : ITS THERE AND IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE

 **CannonBALLS** : it’s a lie tho

 **GossipQueen** : are u sure? Quidditch can get pretty intense and those two sure were… intense… ;)

 **ILivedBitch** : honestly? I see it

 **BlondBitch** : but in which world would someone like wood go for flint

 **Stardust** : its hate sex tho

 **Thefirstone** : there are different rules for hate sex

 **CannonBALLS** : guys it’s a lie

 **CannonBALLS** : literally the only good thing percy has ever done is ditch that gf of his and date oliver instead

 **CannonBALLS** : and apparently oliver has been highkey pining like the whole time, so no …. No whatever with flint

 **ExcuseYOU** : w h a t

 **GossipQueen** : your nerd brother is dating oliver wood????

 **ExcuseYOU** : Penelope is single again?????

 **Tiredofyourshit** : _@GossipQueen_ The word ‘nerd’ has been termed by people jealous of those who are more intelligent, and more successful in achieving their goals, in order to hide their own insecurity about their lack of brain power. To use the word nerd as a derogatory term simply showcases your own sense of inadequacy. In this essay I will

 **GossipQueen** : HOW do you type this fast????

 **GossipQueen** : also I wasn’t using it in an insulting way, more like … for identification

 **Tiredofyourshit** : oh okay sry carry on

 **GossipQueen** : there are too many of them smh

 **CannonBALLS** : yes they’re dating for some reason

 **CannonBALLS** : I still question oliver’s taste bc of that

 **Stardust** : pansy, what are the other classifiers for the weasley brothers u use?

 **GossipQueen** : the hot one, the cool one, the nerd, the crazy ones

 **Stardust** : awesome, we use the same ones in Gryff

 **CannonBALLS** : why does everyone think bill is hot

 **CannonBALLS** : and Charlie is like the least cool person you’ll ever meet

 **CannonBALLS** : mom asked him when he’ll bring home a gf or bf and he just sat there for like an hour and then whispered “I just really like dragons”

 **Stardust** : awwwwww

 **Spiderhuman** : but not …. In a weird way, right?

 **CannonBALLS** : wat

 **CannonBALLS** : oh ooohHHHHHHH EW what the hell guys, ur putting all these cursed images in my head NO

 **Tiredofyourshit** : _@Spiderhuman_ in an “he’s asexual, mary” way, not a bestiality way

 **AngryCat** : did u have to say the word

 **Tiredofyourshit** : technically I didn’t SAY anything

 **CannonBALLS** : TECHNICALLY I still don’t know what classifier I have

 **GossipQueen** : ur---- weasley

 **AngryCat** : no classifier

 **BlondBitch** : weasel king

 **CannonBALLS** : oh fuck off ferret

 **Knockyourwood** : ok but can we focus on the important things here??

 **Knockyourwood** : _@KeepHim_ u have a pet turtle and I wasn’t informed????

 **KeepHim** : sorry it somehow never came up

 **KeepHim** : he’s living with my mom anyway, it’s not like I can bring him here

 **ILivedBitch** : dumblebro would think a pet turtle is the funniest thing ever and would allow u to keep him here

 **KeepHim** : not all of us are the headmaster’s fav student, Harry

 **KeepHim** : u literally have a pet dragon and no one says a thing

 **ILivedBitch** : k wait a sec

 **ILivedBitch** : wait what’s his name??

 **KeepHim** : …. Bob

 **CannonBALLS** : you named your pet turtle Bob??

 **KeepHim** : I was a child okay

 **ILivedBitch** : this is going to be so easy

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ILivedBitch** _to_ **Lemonade**

 **ILivedBitch** : hey professor

 **Lemonade** : harry, my boy, how are you?

 **ILivedBitch** : I’m great, I just learned that Dean Thomas has a pet turtle!

 **Lemonade** : that would brighten up anyone’s day, truly

 **ILivedBitch** : yea but turtles aren’t on the list of acceptable pets so he can’t bring him here :/

 **Lemonade** : yes, yes, rules must be followed

 **ILivedBitch** : yeah

 **ILivedBitch** : his name is Bob

 **Lemonade** : …. oh well, I am sure Minerva would agree that a pet turtle would be completely harmless and might bring some joy to the students

 **Lemonade** : you can tell Mr. Thomas that he has my permission to bring his pet turtle but only if I’m allowed to meet Mr. Bob

 **ILivedBitch** : awesome, thanks professor!

 

**Group Chat**

**ILivedBitch** _has sent a picture_

 **ILivedBitch** : ur welcome

 **Knockyourwood** : YEAh BOB

 **Spiderhuman** : I love him already

 **Tiredofyourshit** : this casual display of favoritism is great and all but can we talk about the fact that Dean told us TWO (2) lies???

 **KeepHim** : I didn’t tho?

 **Tiredofyourshit** : im sorry but Lion King is NOT the best Disney movie. It’s one of the best, but not THE best

 **KeepHim** : B L A S P H E M Y

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I mean u can’t even say that one of them is the best and call that a fact because its just your personal opinion

 **Tiredofyourshit** : ALSO u are supposed to state facts about yourself, not vague opinions u might have

 **KeepHim** : the fact is that I think Lion King is the best Disney movie

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I…. I guess that counts

 **Fuckoffimreading** : quick question: tf is Disney

 **KeepHim** : ASDBALBAHCSADFASHGDF

 **ILivedBitch** : _@BlondBitch @ExcuseYOU_ u two failed as parents

 **ExcuseYOU** : I don’t know this Disney thing either, sue me bitch

 **BlondBitch** : i…. have no excuse, I watched all of them in a marathon with my mum

 **ILivedBitch** : that’s…. so fucking cute, I cant even be mad

 **Tiredofyourshit** : Disney was one of the greatest wizards

 **Spiderhuman** : never heard of him tho??

 **Tiredofyourshit** : the greatest wizard of all muggles

 **GossipQueen** : that… makes zero (0) sense

 **ILivedBitch** : okay as soon as this class is over we meet up in the RoR and watch the shit out of Disney movies

 **Muffin #1** : will there be snacks

 **KeepHim** : ofc there will be snacks we aren’t some kind of heathens

 **Tiredofyourshit** : (I mean, technically, we ARE witches and wizards, soo……)

 **Muffin #2** : if there’s food, there’s me

 **Muffin #2** : Disney marathon it is

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this house we love Bob.
> 
> Also guys if you love Drarry (which seeing as you are reading this mess, I assume you do) and you love Queer Eye, read [Queer Eye (For the Wizarding Guy)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14259741). It’s the only fic I read this past month and it’s super cute and funny and it makes me want to watch the 3rd season of Queer Eye although the second season only came out like yesterday.
> 
> AND I want to make sure that u know this isn’t some kind of OP!Harry story (which I’m not bashing at all bc sometimes u need those fics where people realize that Harry is actually fucking amazing like fight me right now). Just. It’s established in canon that he accomplishes things which are simply Not Normal for your average teen wizard (the patronus thing is just one example, remember how impressed the tester at the OWLs was after Harry showed him Prongs? That was in an exam setting, with no Dementors there and TWO YEARS after Harry had learned the spell. And yes, the other DA members learned the spell as well, but again, they were (mostly) fifth years and it was a classroom exercise. Harry managed the spell at a really young age while being emotionally distressed and in the presence of like a thousand dementors even though he reacts extremely bad to their presence.) I truly think Harry could be one of the most powerful wizards of Britain – he simply doesn’t really feel the need to push himself more than he has to. That’s why I don’t think Slytherin!Harry fics with Harry being much more powerful than in canon are extremely implausible – a Harry in Slytherin is ambitious and would push himself more, and the skills and the magical power were there all along.
> 
> Okay, nerd rant over, I hope you liked the update (and the fact that there was one in the first place). Get excited for tomorrow, the next chapter is called “Family Affairs” and it’s another favorite of mine! :D Thank you for all the kudos and comments, I read them all and I love you guys!!!


	11. Family Affairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **CatsDotItBetter** : im glad to see you being happier these days, severus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's later than I had hoped to update, but it's still Sunday evening where I am, so it totally counts as updating on schedule :D
> 
> You can't believe how happy I am to share this chapter with you guys, because I LOVE THIS ONE. There is also one new character, but it is pretty much immediately said who she is. But if you want to know who will appear and what her username is, you can look it up in the notes at the end of the chapter.
> 
> But honestly, I love the whole fic, and I am so incredibly happy to see that others love it just as much! So have fun with this one, and remember: time passes between and during chapters. They are talking about Christmas here, and the first chapter was maybe the day after the school year started :)

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ImStupid** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **ImStupid** _changed their name to_ **Sirius Black**

 **Sirius Black** : I don’t think you would let me say this if we talked face to face, so I’m writing to you instead, and please, just read it. You don’t even have to say anything, but please, read it.

 **Sirius Black** : When I was a student I was loud, obnoxious and in one case, a bully. Most of all, however, I was terrified. I was terrified of being sorted into Slytherin and I was terrified of being a Gryffindor. I was terrified of loosing my friends and I was terrified of going home for the holidays. I was terrified of becoming someone I was not, and I was terrified because I actually didn’t have a clue who I was in the first place.

 **Sirius Black** : You were one of the first people I notice in the train. Mostly, because you looked exactly like I felt at home: trying to pretend to fit in, putting up a strong face, but you were obviously uncomfortable around other kids and everything from your haircut to the way you held yourself screamed ‘misfit’.

 **Sirius Black** : I fixated on you so much, bullied you so much, because you were a mirror of everything I tried to escape during my time at Hogwarts. You were the me at home, the me getting scolded by my parents, the me who was so terrified. And I hated that part of me, and because I was too much of a coward to actually do something about the mess I was, I instead targeted you.

 **Sirius Black** : You were the victim of my fear and my cowardice, and none of all the things I just told you makes that okay. It’s an explanation, but it’s not an excuse. What I did to you was wrong and if I could go back, I would change it in a heartbeat.

 **Sirius Black** : But I can’t change the past, I can’t change the fact that I wasn’t expelled for endangering another student’s life, when I should have. Aand therefore, I will concentrate on the present and the future. And I want to start with an apology. I said it before, but sometimes I didn’t mean it and sometimes, you didn’t believe me.

 **Sirius Black** : I am sorry, Severus. I am so incredibly sorry. I am sorry for every insult and every prank, I am sorry for the loneliness and the desperation, for my part of the way you lost Lily. I am sorry for all the hatred. I am sorry for being a coward, and I am sorry for leaving Lily’s son in such a terrible place to grow up in.

 **Sirius Black** : You are an incredible man, Severus, and you deserve everything. You deserve someone who loves you and your passion for potions, who loves your snark and can see the way you care so much about your students. Who honors the sacrifices you made during the last almost twenty years. And I understand if you don’t want to give me or Remus another chance, but I beg you to think about it once more. And if you choose to reject us, a decision we would respect, I just ask of you to reject our current selves, and not the stupid, ignorant school kids we were back then.

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **LegallyBlond**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I hate them

 **LegallyBlond** : No, you don’t.

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I really don’t and that’s a Problem™

 **LegallyBlond** : Just… close your eyes and try to imagine your life with them. And your two sons.

 **HalfBloodPrince** : it would be a mess

 **LegallyBlond** : Yes, but would you be happy?

 **LegallyBlond** : You don’t have to make that decision now, Sev. It can be a process.

 **HalfBloodPrince** : ….. I hate u too

 **LegallyBlond** : To quote my son: “Nah”.

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **Sirirus Black**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I acknowledge your apology

 **HalfBloodPrince** : accepting it… will be a process

 **HalfBloodPrince** : now change back ur stupid user name

 **Sirius Black** _changed their name to_ **ImStupid**

 **ImStupid** : thank you, sev

 **ImStupid** : remus and I are both happy to work for your acceptance, however long it will take

 **HalfBloodPrince** : even if it takes forever?

 **ImStupid** : IS thAT a YES to my acCIDEnTAL PROPOSAL?????

 **HalfBloodPrince** : NO

 **HalfBloodPrince** : IT WAS THE OPPOSITE

 **HalfBloodPrince** : SHUT UP YOUR PROCESS IS AT -100%

 **HalfBloodPrince** _has left the chat_

 **ImStupid** : S E V

 **ImStupid** : come back to meeeeeeee

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **Fuckoffimreading** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **Fuckoffimreading** : and you really think they wont be insulted that I try to help them

 **ILivedBitch** : nah

 **ILivedBitch** : they need all the help and they know it

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **Lemonade** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **Lemonade** : so im going to fire Mallory

 **HalfBloodPrince** : what why

 **Lemonade** : bc sometimes it just be like that, my boy

 **Lemonade** : and I thought it’s better to ask you first if it is okay to re-hire remus

 **HalfBloodPrince** : you mean Minerva told you to ask me

 **Lemonade** : no comment

 **HalfBloodPrince** : …..

 **HalfBloodPrince** : he’s a good teacher

 **Lemonade** : great, my boy, truly, im very happy for you!

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I just said he’s a good teacher, albus, calm down

 **Lemonade** : okay next question how close to your quarters am I allowed to put remus and sirius

 **HalfBloodPrince** : you aren’t even trying to be subtle, are you

 **Lemonade** : when you are my age you don’t have time to subtly, severus

 **Lemonade** : how. close.

 **HalfBloodPrince** : …. Ask me again when you fired Mallory

 **Lemonade** : ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh

 **HalfBloodPrince** : go away albus

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **Fuckoffimreading** _to_ **ImStupid**

 **Fuckoffimreading** : wow can u believe snape has tried to publish his own potions journal for three years now and no one backs him as a financial investor bc of his dark mark he sure would be happy if someone with like a fortune the size of the Black vaults would back him up

 **ImStupid** : ON MY WAY

 **ImStupid** : ur awesome

 **Fuckoffimreading** : thanks I know

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **Fuckoffimreading** _to_ **ImWithStupid**

 **Fuckoffimreading** : u never heard this from me but snape REALLY likes compliments about how smart he is and stuff. Not about his appearance he gets defensive and closes off, but he knows he’s smart and he likes to hear it.

 **Fuckoffimreading** : Black can’t do it (yet) cause batdad would think he’s making fun of him

 **Fuckoffimreading** : but u are smart too so you can drop those compliments at the end of a nerdy discussion. He wont actually accept them or whatever, but he’ll secretly like it

 **ImWithStupid** : thank you, Theo, you are being a great help

 **ImWithStupid** : also Sirius and I would like to get to know you better. Harry has already adopted you as a little brother / kind-of-son, so we would like to officially invite you into our family as well. Maybe we could meet you and Harry in Hogsmeade?

 **Fuckoffimreading** : …. Yea okay I guess

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **ImWithStupid**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : theo is a smart kid u won’t be able to corrupt him

 **ImWithStupid** : he really is a smart kid, Severus

 **ImWithStupid** : you can be very proud of your son

 **HalfBloodPrince** : ….. yes

 **HalfBloodPrince** : 12%

 **ImWithStupid** : im sorry?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : ask the mutt, he’ll know

 **ImWithStupid** : if u two already developed a secret code, I officially feel left out :(

 **HalfBloodPrince** : ….. 11%

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ILivedBitch** _to_ **ImStupid**

 **ILivedBitch** : remus told me about those texts to snape

 **ILivedBitch** : and I know it’s a bit weird coming from someone younger, but

 **ILivedBitch** : Im really proud of you, padfoot

 **ILivedBitch** : and I’m sure mum and dad would be proud too

 **ImStupid** : thank you, prongslet

 **ImStupid** : it isn’t weird at all, sirius-ly thank you

 **ILivedBitch** : that ‘sirius-ly’ sure broke the moment, padfoot

 **ImStupid** : ahhhhh sorryyyyyy I forgot about that shortcut

 **ILivedBitch** : just shows that you are still you and your username is still true ;)

 **ILivedBitch** : also theo really enjoyed meeting you two btw

 **ImStupid** : really?? :D :D

 **ImStupid** : I was worried bc hes kinda quiet

 **ILivedBitch** : yeah he’s nervous around new people

 **ILivedBitch** : and he really wanted you guys to like him

 **ILivedBitch** : but I never told you that bc he’s still a Slytherin and he’ll get his revenge no matter how much he likes me

 **ImStupid** : noted

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ImStupid** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **ImStupid** : when is theo’s birthday?

 **ImStupid** : we don’t want to miss it and make him feel like Harry is more important or smth

 **HalfBloodPrince** : ….

 **HalfBloodPrince** : 2nd September 1980

 **HalfBloodPrince** : he should have been in the year below Harry but his father pulled some strings

 **ImStupid** : thanks! Obviously he loves books but when we met him and Harry it seemed as if he also likes music a lot?? Do you think he would like one of these music boxes which can play both wizarding and muggle music for christmas??

 **HalfBloodPrince** : ………

 **HalfBloodPrince** : 25%

 **ImStupid** : :D is that a yes tho??

 **HalfBloodPrince** _has left the chat_

 **ImStupid** : sev?????

 **ImStupid** : it’s a yes, right? Its probably a yes

 **ImStupid** : ….

 **ImStupid** : ill ask remus

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **Fuckoffimreading** _to_ **BlondBitch**

 **Fuckoffimreading** : if batdad adopts harry so harry is my brother and batdad marries sirius and remus so ill have three dads and an older brother and then you marry Harry and become my brother-in-law are you still going to insist on mothering me

 **BlondBitch** : um yes bitch

 **Fuckoffimreading** : HA

 **Fuckoffimreading** : im telling harry you want to marry him

 **BlondBitch** : listen theo you might be my son and I love you but I will Actually Ground You Outside Without Books

 **Fuckoffimreading** : nah you wouldn’t, outside its cold and shit and I might get sick

 **BlondBitch** : ill cast a warming charm im not even joking

 **Fuckoffimreading** : whatever

 **Fuckoffimreading** : but srsly tho do you want to… talk? Or should I help with smth?

 **BlondBitch** : no, its

 **BlondBitch** : it’s fine

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **CatsDoItBetter** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **CatsDoItBetter** : I heard Sirius gave you a special admission to enter the Black library

 **HalfBloodPrince** : yes

 **HalfBloodPrince** : that little manipulative fucker should have been in slytherin smh

 **CatsDoItBetter** : coming from you that’s a big compliment

 **HalfBloodPrince** : whatever

 **HalfBloodPrince** : between the two of them they’re already at 36%, its not looking too good

 **CatsDoItBetter** : I wont even try to understand that

 **CatsDotItBetter** : im glad to see you being happier these days, severus

 **HalfBloodPrince** : yes well im glad to see you taking your health so serious, Minerva

 **HalfBloodPrince** : that IS the reason for your frequent visits of the hospital wing isn’t it?

 **CatsDoItBetter** : I liked u better as a scared little first year

 **HalfBloodPrince** : to quote the future husband of my future son: nah

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ImWithStupid** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : you can pick up this month’s dose of wolfsbane

 **ImWithStupid** : thank you, severus

 **ImWithStupid** : I would honestly be lost without you

 **HalfBloodPrince** : nonsense, u could probably brew it urself anyway

 **ImWithStupid** : that’s very kind of you to say, but we both know that the potion is way too complicated

 **ImWithStupid** : I am very lucky to have one of the most talented and skillful potions master’s on my side

 **ImWithStupid** : you are one of the most intelligent people I know and the day I stop being in awe of your skills and knowledge of potions … will probably never come

 **HalfBloodPrince** : what if u die

 **ImWithStupid** : I’ll continue admire u from wherever I am then

 **HalfBloodPrince** : well I’ll kill you myself if you leave me alone with dealing with the mutt

 **ImWithStupid** : u know what, that’s fair

 **ImWithStupid** : but im telling him right now that youll continue dealing with him if im gone

**Direct message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **ImStupid**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : 42%

 **ImStupid** : YES

 **ImStupid** : but also ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **HalfBloodPrince** : why do u have to be like that

 **HalfBloodPrince** : and why is remus so…. Remus

 **ImStupid** : I know right, he’s amazing

 **ImStupid** : I have no idea how I managed THAT

 **HalfBloodPrince** : u didn’t, Sirius, he took pity on you

 **ImStupid** : :O

 **ImStupid** : I mean, its true, but do you really have to say it

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **Fuckoffimreading** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **Fuckoffimreading** : I just saw batdad smiling at his phone

 **Fuckoffimreading** : like a real smile, not a smirk

 **Fuckoffimreading** : im pretty sure The Thing is going well

 **ILivedBitch** : great!!

 **ILivedBitch** : I cant wait for them to stop dancing around each other

 **Fuckoffimreading** : sirius is throwing himself at sev rather than dancing around, really

 **ILivedBitch** : yea he never was one for subtly

 **ILivedBitch** : but we love him for that

 **Fuckoffimreading** : I guess

 **Fuckoffimreading** : it stopped raining btw

 **ILivedBitch** : … yes?

 **ILivedBitch** : oh

 **ILivedBitch** : btw I was thinking of visiting the thestrals, wanna come with me?

 **Fuckoffimreading** : sure, Harry

 **Fuckoffimreading** : thank you

 **ILivedBitch** : always

**Direct message** _from_ **ILivedBitch** _to_ **BlondBitch**

 **ILivedBitch** : hey theo and I are going to the FF, can you make sure he puts on a coat

 **BlondBitch** : he just walked out of the dorm without one, im gonna kill him

 **BlondBitch** : okay I caught up with him and gave him his coat

 **BlondBitch** : be careful in that damned forest

 **ILivedBitch** : draco I know that forest better than hogw

 **ILivedBitch** : we’ll be fine

 **BlondBitch** : that’s what the witch said and then she splinted herself and her left leg ended up in Norway

 **BlondBitch** : harry

 **ILivedBitch** : we’ll be careful, I promise, and we’ll come back before it gets dark

 **BlondBitch** : good

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ImStupid** _to_ **ImWithStupid**

 **ImStupid** : he called me Sirius!!!!

 **ImWithStupid** : he said I’m smart enough to brew wolfsbane :O

 **ImStupid** : well, he’s right

 **ImStupid** : you are both crazy smart

 **ImWithStupid** : am I sensing a bit of self-deprivation here, padfoot

 **ImWithStupid** : u are also incredible, you know that

 **ImStupid** : yes, yes I’m a very special boy

 **ImWithStupid** : you are

 **ImWithStupid** : one of the bravest, strongest people I know

 **ImWithStupid** : and both severus and I would be lucky to have you

 **ImStupid** : stop it moony im blushing and that’s ruining my street cred

 **ImStupid** : I am the lucky one, really

 **ImStupid** : and I’m working on deserving both you and severus

 **ImWithStupid** : yes, did I mention how proud of you I am for that conversation with severus?

 **ImStupid** : yes u did, several times

 **ImStupid** : but… it was good, right? Do you think he’ll believe me at least a bit?

 **ImWithStupid** : yes, Sirius, it was good. You did good.

 **ImWithStupid** : and I think he already believes us

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ILivedBitch** _to_ **ImWithStupid**

 **ILivedBitch** : I know we talked about this before, but are you guys really okay with me being adopted by snape first

 **ILivedBitch** : I mean what if it doesn’t work out with you three and im stuck in the middle because obv I love you two but I have this weird hate-turned-into-respect-turned-into-feeling-weirdly-safe-and-kind-of-calm-and-at-home thing with snape and I don’t want to loose that but I don’t want to loose you either

 **ImWithStupid** : harry, you know that besides everything else, you are the first priority of me and sirius

 **ImWithStupid** : you getting adopted by Severus makes perfect sense and we are happy with it. He’s proven to be able to protect you even in times when doing so openly would have gotten him killed instantly. And he has worked so hard on getting you away from the dursleys.

 **ImWithStupid** : and even IF it doesn’t work out between sirius, me and severus, you would still have all of us. We would still be on your side, no matter what. You are more important than our love life, Harry

 **ILivedBitch** : okay im super happy to hear that but please never say or type the words love life to me again

 **ImWithStupid** : do we need to have The Talk, Harry?

 **ImWithStupid** : wait, did anyone have the talk with you??

 **ILivedBitch** : omg bye remus

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **Fuckoffimreading** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **Fuckoffimreading** : its been 20 years and I still don’t (officially) have an older brother

 **HalfBloodPrince** : THE PAPERS ARE ALMOST READY STOP TEXTING ME ABOUT THIS

 **HalfBloodPrince** : its only been about 3 months you horrible child

 **HalfBloodPrince** : you and Harry are getting too similar, I don’t like this

 **HalfBloodPrince** : im surrounded by gryffs, you need to work with me, theo

 **Fuckoffimreading** : harry is one (1) gryff, that’s not really “being surrounded”

 **Fuckoffimreading** : oh wait

 **Fuckoffimreading** : nice to know you count sirius and remus as part of the family

 **HalfBloodPrince** : by circe, theo

 **HalfBloodPrince** : u already call them by their first names, you gave in way too quickly

 **Fuckoffimreading** : :)

**Direct message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : you don’t know about FES?????

 **ILivedBitch** : OMG who told you that

 **ILivedBitch** : I know about them now sweet merlin, everyone can calm down

 **HalfBloodPrince** : what else don’t you know

 **ILivedBitch** : um … see…. I can’t really say what I don’t know…. Because I ///don’t know/// these things

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I would tell you off for being smart with me if I wasn’t so …. resigned by this point

 **HalfBloodPrince** : why didn’t you read the pamphlets???

 **ILivedBitch** : what pamphlets??

 **HalfBloodPrince** : the ones every muggleborn students or those growing up with muggles receive with their Hogwarts letter

 **ILivedBitch** : ….. my original letters were all burned

 **ILivedBitch** : Hagrid gave me my letter, but there was only the letter and the list of things I had to get and all that stuff

 **HalfBloodPrince** : These People is swear to god

 **HalfBloodPrince** : come to my office

 **ILivedBitch** : but im…. not in trouble, right?

 **HalfBloodPrince** : Harry, you are somehow in some way always in trouble

 **ILivedBitch** : yes, I know :(

**Direct message** _from_ **IDon’tKnowHer** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **IDon’tKnowHer** : Do you know how I take revenge on those who hurt my family, Mr. Potter?

 **ILivedBitch** : uuhhh no, Mrs. Malfoy

 **IDon’tKnowHer** : And that’s because no one ever survived to tell others about it.

 **ILivedBitch** : Noted, Mrs. Malfoy.

 **ILivedBitch** : I hope you have a great day.

 **IDon’tKnowHer** : Thank you, Mr. Potter, that’s very kind of you.

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **ImStupid**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : you didn’t have to do that

 **ImStupid** : I really had to

 **ImStupid** : this isn’t only about me and you, Severus

 **ImStupid** : I read your business proposal and the first five monthly editions of the journal, and all of it is incredible

 **ImStupid** : some of these potions could help a lot of people

 **HalfBloodPrince** : you… read all of it

 **ImStupid** : I mean I know potions was never really one of my strong subjects, but I know enough to understand how great your work is

 **HalfBloodPrince** : goddammit sirius

 **ImStupid** : ??? should I not have read it??

 **ImStupid** : I’M SORRY

 **HalfBloodPrince** : no I mean

 **HalfBloodPrince** : 58%

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ILivedBitch** _to_ **Fuckoffimreading**

 **ILivedBitch** : I give you pointers for Christmas presents for Sirius and Remus in exchange for pointers for Draco and Severus

 **Fuckoffimreading** : deal

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **ILivedBitch** _to_ **ImWithStupid**

 **ILivedBitch** : have a save full moon tonight, moony

 **ImWithStupid** : thank you, prongslet

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **Lemonade** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

 **Lemonade** : there are two charming aurors and an official from Child Protection Service in my office for you and young Harry I belive

 **HalfBloodPrince** : about bloody time

 **HalfBloodPrince** : yo manage the paper stuff while I get everyone together

 **HalfBloodPrince** : *you

 **Lemonade** : aw but I don’t like paper stuff

 **HalfBloodPrince** : tough shit, albus

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **ImStupid**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : why isn’t wereboy answering my texts

 **ImStupid** : why are u writing him and not ME :( :( :(

 **ImStupid** : and remus is sleeping, bad moon night

 **HalfBloodPrince** : ……… what about the wolfsbane

 **ImStupid** : wellllllll its amazing that u make it for him for free, severus and we are both really grateful!!!

 **ImStupid** : but…. It becomes less effective with every full moon

 **HalfBloodPrince** : ……..

 **HalfBloodPrince** : and neither of you idiotic, foolish dunderheads thought of maybe telling ME about that?!

 **ImStupid** : we didn’t want u to think we are ungrateful!!

 **ImStupid** : because we are!

 **ImStupid** : I mean we are GRATEFUL dammit

 **HalfBloodPrince** : well you are both stupid

 **ImStupid** : I mean …… duh

 **HalfBloodPrince** : 62% I guess, but don’t ever try to protect my  f e e l i n g s  again by not telling me something about my potions

 **ImStupid** : :D :D

 **HalfBloodPrince** : anyway that simply means there are two reasons why you need to come to Hogw

 **ImStupid** : is the other reason that you miss us??? :D :D :D

 **HalfBloodPrince** : no

 **ImStupid** : D:  D:

 **HalfBloodPrince** : better

 **ImStupid** : *doubt*

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I need u to give statements against The People

 **HalfBloodPrince** : also Harry will give his statement to the aurors as well so I guess he’ll need ur Emotional Support™ or whatever

 **ImStupid** : okay that’s actually an EXCELLENT reason and ill wake up moony right now

 **ImStupid** : but I want u to know that we are always happy to see u, sev

 **ImStupid** : even if there is no reason

 **HalfBloodPrince** : ……..

 **HalfBloodPrince** : that’s really gay

 **ImStupid** : fuck yes pro homo

 **HalfBloodPrince** : whatever u imbecile, just get here already

 **HalfBloodPrince** : my floo is open

 **ImStupid** : ;)

 **HalfBloodPrince** : don’t do it u damn five year old

 **ImStupid** : ok but u can’t stop me from thinking it ;) ;) ;)

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **Fuckoffimreading**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : come to my office

 **Fuckoffimreading** : what why

 **HalfBloodPrince** : [because](https://media.tenor.com/images/ed27e0e01de23983ec0b6476829e3957/tenor.gif)

 **Fuckoffimreading** : OHHHHHHH

 **Fuckoffimreading** : on my way!

 

 **Direct** **message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **HalfBloodPrince** : come to my office

 **ILivedBitch** : I DIDN'T DO IT

 **ILivedBitch** : or maybe I did fuck BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

 **ILivedBitch** : ........ *heck

 **HalfBloodPrince** : u aren't even my adopted son yet and already I'm getting grey hair bc of you

 **ILivedBitch** : YET

 **ILivedBitch** : asdffhhj NO TAKEBACKS

 **HalfBloodPrince** : Stop screaming u horrible child

 **HalfBloodPrince** : get down here already

 **HalfBloodPrince** : the mutt and the wereboy are here too and they are slightly more sufferable when u are there too

 **ILivedBitch** : wAs ThAT a CoMPlimENt???

 **ILivedBitch** : are you being NICE to me????

 **HalfBloodPrince** : whatever

 **HalfBloodPrince** : bloody get used to it

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I'm not good at it so don't ….. expect too much of it

 **ILivedBitch** : but you TRY and tHat's more than I normally expect from u know guardians or whatever

 **HalfBloodPrince** : yes about that

 **HalfBloodPrince** : u better get here fast bc I need ur statement to throw The People into Azkaban

 **ILivedBitch** : …. yes dad

 **ILivedBitch** : No fuck that was a joke I didn't think that one through

 **HalfBloodPrince** : I mean

 **HalfBloodPrince** : it will be true and you should say it

 **HalfBloodPrince** : but only if u actually want to

 **ILivedBitch** : agzuskbxus Y E S

 **ILivedBitch** : out of the three u can be the dad

 **HalfBloodPrince** : .... three

 **HalfBloodPrince** : adoption denied

 **ILivedBitch** : nooooooo

 **ILivedBitch** : u can't do this to Theo

 **HalfBloodPrince** : dammit ur right

 **HalfBloodPrince** : btw I might have have used a slightly darker hex to make absolutely sure that nothing you tell the aurors reaches the newspapers

 **ILivedBitch** : u are great, you know that?

 **ILivedBitch** : also, we should both delete that text so no one can prove anything

 **HalfBloodPrince** : we’re gonna make a slytherin out of you yet

 **ILivedBitch** : meh

 **ILivedBitch** : ok so I'm in front of the office but ur portrait is simply laughing at me instead of letting me in

 **HalfBloodPrince** : yes I taught her well

 **ILivedBitch** : wow

 **ILivedBitch** : rude smh :(

 **ILivedBitch** : ok im in, here I come

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So **IDon'tKnowHer** is Narcissa Malfoy, which I think suits her perfectly :D
> 
> Theo’s actual birthday is 2nd September 1979, but I like the idea of him being younger than Harry, and really, what about this fic is canon at this point except for Harry’s worrying lack of information about the wizarding world.
> 
> I REALLY hope you like the way I kind of showed the development of the Severus-Remus-Sirius relationship. These men had a lot of things to get over first, before they were ready to think more about their future. Also I would like to remember you that a lot of things were never shown “on-screen” in this fic, like the time when Voldi was still alive and the three worked together to fight him. They already came a long way before this fic had started. 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter as much as I do! I'll try to answer all comments I have left unanswered in the next two to three days, but I already read them all and I can't tell you all how happy they make me!!! And look at all the kudos, like when did this even happen???? 
> 
> SO thank you, and see you soon! :D


	12. Social Skills 101

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **CannonBALLS** : u good?  
>  **ILivedBitch** : im good. U good?  
>  **CannonBALLS** : emotionally? Yes. Physically? Kinda hungry, not gonna lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sky? Sky who? I don't know her.
> 
> OR 
> 
> Me?????  
> Updating?????  
> It's more likely than you think.
> 
> Anyway. My internship is over, I'm back home, and I finally have time to open a fucking word doc outside of work. SO.
> 
> Enjoy. 
> 
> **Usernames** (bc it's been forever asadjaf)
> 
> GRYFFS  
> Harry – ILivedBitch  
> Ron – CannonBALLS  
> Hermione – Tiredofyourshit  
> Neville – Knockyourwood  
> Seamus – IfFoundReturnToDean  
> Dean – KeepHim  
> Lavender – Stardust  
> Parvati – Thefirstone
> 
> SLYTHS  
> Draco – BlondBitch  
> Blaise – Spiderhuman  
> Crabbe – Muffin #1  
> Goyle – Muffin #2  
> Theo – fuckoffimreading  
> Pansy – GossipQueen  
> Daphne – ExcuseYOU  
> Millicent – AngryCat

**ILivedBitch** : it has officially happened

 **ILivedBitch** : I will sleep soundly tonight

 **ILivedBitch** : thinking about my uncle and my aunt spending ten years in azkaban for knowingly endangering a magical child

 **ILivedBitch** : today is A Good Day™

 **Tiredofyourshit** : CONGRATULATIONS HARRY <3 <3

 **CannonBALLS** : yeah congrats mate

 **CannonBALLS** : they sure deserved what they got

 **Knockyourwood** : bye bye dursleys

 **Spiderhuman** : bye bye dursleys

 **Stardust** : bye bye dursleys we won’t miss you

 **Thefirstone** : bye bye dursleys no on will miss u tbh

 **GossipQueen** : bye bye muggles

 **ExcuseYOU** : bye bye muggles

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : bye bye dursleys

 **KeepHim** : congrats harry and fuck em

 **Fuckoffimreading** : they deserved more smh but anyway

 **Muffin #1** : congrats harry and

 **Muffin #2** : bye bye muggles

 **AngryCat** : congratulations!

 **BlondBitch** : begone thots

 **BlondBitch** : im happy for you, harry

 **ILivedBitch** : thanks guys!

 **ILivedBitch** : with them locked away batdad was able to officially request to adopt me

 **ILivedBitch** : so now we are waiting for that to go through the system

 **CannonBALLS** : wait what about ur cousin tho

 **ILivedBitch** : well he’s a minor and I guess he was kind of messed up by his parents as well

 **ILivedBitch** : the muggle authorities will deal with him

 **ILivedBitch** : he’ll go to some kind of home for difficult children or smth

 **Tiredofyourshit** : well the important thing is that you never have to go back there and you can start leaving all those horrible memories behind you

 **GossipQueen** : right

 **GossipQueen** : are we throwing a party or what

 **ILivedBitch** : honestly im kind of just really exhausted

 **ILivedBitch** : this was stressing me out the whole time and I don’t really have much energy left sorry

 **GossipQueen** : right

 **GossipQueen** : are we throwing a Disney sleepover or what

 **ILivedBitch** : ….. with puppy piles?

 **Stardust** : so many fucking puppy piles

 **ILivedBitch** : yeah that sounds nice

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : YEAH give it up for hot chocolate and blankets bitches!!

 **KeepHim** : turn it up for some good emotional support mmhhh yeahhh

 **Knockyourwood** : why do u need to make everything weird

 **KeepHim** : why do u need to make everything so BORING

 **Spiderhuman** : OH BOI

 **Spiderhuman** : don’t come after my bf smh

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : what u gonna defend his honor??

 **Spiderhuman** : bitch I’ll hold his devil’s snare while he fucks u up

 **AngryCat** : the harmony and joy in this chat is truly unbelievable

 

 **Direct message** _from_ **CannonBALLS** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

 **CannonBALLS** : he brought you bloody treacle tart

 **CannonBALLS** : I tried to take a piece and his glare almost stabbed me

 **CannonBALLS** : harry

 **ILivedBitch** : I  K N O W

 **ILivedBitch** : just…. Give us time, pls?

 **ILivedBitch** : I don’t want to fuck this up and end up with him hating me again

 **ILivedBitch** : and I don’t want him to feel obligated or smth

 **CannonBALLS** : I don’t think anyone can make draco malfoy feel obligated to do anything

 **ILivedBitch** : well his mom def can

 **ILivedBitch** : that woman is scary man

 **ILivedBitch** : but like…. In a weirdly motherly way

 **CannonBALLS** : just

 **CannonBALLS** : don’t feel like u can’t try bc u don’t deserve it or some shit like that mate

 **CannonBALLS** : cause that’s dragon dung

 **ILivedBitch** : thanks ron

 **iLivedBitch** : and thank u for being cool with this

 **CannonBALLS** : yea well it helps that malfoy’s dad actually ended the feud with my family, not gonna lie

 **CannonBALLS** : also Malfoy isn’t as much of a prat as he seemed to be

 **ILivedBitch** : also that sensitivity and emotional intelligence training mione forced us to do was actually helpful

 **CannonBALLS** : yea also that

 **CannonBALLS** : u good?

 **ILivedBitch** : im good. U good?

 **CannonBALLS** : emotionally? Yes. Physically? Kinda hungry, not gonna lie

**Group Chat**

**Thefirstone** : help how do I get out of a shitty conversation

 **Stardust** : do I need to call someone to beat someone up????

 **Thefirstone** : no no its not like that

 **Thefirstone** : it’s a friend of my brother and hes super boring and has been talking about his carpet collection for an hour now

 **Thefirstone** : not even flying carpets, just…. carpets

 **Thefirstone** : so how do I leave without being rude??

 **BlondBitch** : give him the funeral nod

 **Thefirstone** : I

 **Thefirstone** : what

 **BlondBitch** : funeral nod

 **BlondBitch** : u know that somber as shit slow ass nod u give someone when you meet their eyes during a funeral to convey the appropriate level of resepct and grief you (should) feel in that moment???

 **BlondBitch** : just stand up, stare him right in the eyes for a few seconds and then slowly give him the funeral nod

 **BlondBitch** : and then just leave

 **BlondBitch** : total power move and he’ll be too confused and scared to say anything

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : Draco u are a GENIUS

 **BlondBitch** : thanks I know

 **Thefirstone** : okay im gonna do it

 **Knockyourwood** : I don’t think I could do that

 **Knockyourwood** : my pokerface is pretty bad

 **KeepHim** : nev your pokerface is nonexistent

 **KeepHim** : u have a monopoly face

 **KeepHim** : u take every single emotion and yeet them at whoever youre talking to and break the dinner table in the process

 **Knockyourwood** : ok but to be fair id break the table by accident

 **Spiderhuman** : you totally would

 **Knockyourwood** : :O ????

 **Spiderhuman** : doint worry its cute

 **Spiderhuman** : don’t

 **Knockyourwood** : :D

 **CannonBALLS** : can u imagine the funeral nod in combination with ‘doint’

 **CannonBALLS** : u grim as shit stare at them, nod, and then u just whisper ‘doint’

 **Spiderhuman** : im not even mad that’s hilarious weasley

 **Spiderhuman** : _@BlondBitch_ doint

 **BlondBitch** : ????

 **Spiderhuman** : u know, just in general

 **BlondBitch** : listen I won’t hesitate, b i t c h

 **GossipQueen** : ok but what is monopoly

 **Tiredofyourshit** : a plot to bring war and destruction upon the whole world

 **ILivedBitch** : it’s a muggle family game

 **Tiredofyourshit** : its evil and it destroys friendships

 **CannonBALLS** : I lowkey worry about my girlfriend

 **Tiredofyourshit** : and love and everything good in the world

 **GossipQueen** : _@ILivedBitch_ ok but what is the goal of the game? The rules?

 **ILivedBitch** : 1. Do u really think my muggle relatives would ever invite me to play a family game with them

 **ILivedBitch** : 2. I think monopoly was way too difficult for them anyway

 **KeepHim** : I mean its basically about money, right?

 **KeepHim** : and “money is the root of all evil”

 **KeepHim** : so monopoly = evil

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : well its math so it must be true

 **ExcuseYOU** : who said that money is evil bullshit tho

 **GossipQueen** : what does that even M E A N

 **Spiderhuman** : like is money the reason why evil exists in this world?? Im pretty sure murder existed back when we traded rocks and shit

 **ExcuseYOU** : sounds like smth a rich person would tell a poor person to kame them keep quiet about the inequality of the system smh

 **Stardust** : that’s kinda ‘rich’ coming from you

 **BlondBitch** : I mean I heard fudge say something along these lines once so its not like shes wrong

 **Tiredofyourshit** : its like the phrase “money can’t buy happiness”

 **Tiredofyourshit** : like …. Money can buy you a place to sleep. And food. So obviously money CAN buy happiness

 **Knockyourwood** : I completely agree with all that philosophical stuff but how in merlin’s name did we end up here

 **Knockyourwood** : I completely forgot what we were talking about

 **Stardust** : parvati wanted to get out of a boring conversation

 **Spiderhuman** : yeah _@Thefirstone_ did it work??

 **Thefirstone** : uhm

 **Thefirstone** : i… okay I fucked it up

 **ILivedBitch** : *gasp* parvati! Language!

 **Thefirstone** : srsly? Ur username contains a swear word, harry

 **Stardust** : what happened??

 **Thefirstone** : just…. I couldn’t keep up my pokerface, and then I wanted to just walk away quickly before I started laughing

 **Thefirstone** : but I almost fell over my chair so I tried to grab the edge of the table

 **Thefirstone** : and I might have knocked over the glass and poured pumpkin juice all over the guy

 **Thefirstone** : ….

 **Thefirstone** : and then I ran away

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : A M A Z I N G

 **GossipQueen** : parvati, u are an inspiration

 **Thefirstone** : im a hot mess if that’s what u mean

 **BlondBitch** : I mean

 **BlondBitch** : im pretty sure he got the message anyway

 **Thefirstone** : this is horrifying

 **Thefirstone** : but at least my brother will probably stop setting me up on poorly disguised dates with his friends

 **Stardust** : yeah well I hope so

 **Stardust** : like im really fucking nice but even I have my limits

 **ExcuseYOU** : are u not out to your family?

 **Thefirstone** : yes I am

 **Thefirstone** : and my brother pretents to accept it but

 **Thefirstone** : he secretly hopes I end up falling for one of his stupid friends and be straight again

 **Tiredofyourshit** : that’s… that’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works.

 **CannonBALLS** : sorry not sorry but ur brother sounds like a dick

 **KeepHim** : ^that

 **Thefirstone** : he isn’t, not normally

 **Thefirstone** : in every other aspect hes been very supportive of me, and he’s the only one who defended me when I came out

 **Thefirstone** : so I just… deal with how he behaves now. He’s still family

 **Stardust** : it sucks and its infuriating

 **Stardust** : but im pretty sure that’s one of the definitions of ‘family’ anyway

 **Knockyourwood** : next to “didn’t chose this but might as well make the best out of it”

 **ILivedBitch** : or “yea fuck this im making my own one”

 **BlondBitch** : “no one else is allowed to talk shit about my family except my family and damn do we talk shit about each other”

 **Spiderhuman** : “id be terrified by these people if they weren’t my family but they are so I guess their ability to murder you and make you disappear with no questions asked is… kinda cool?”

 **Tiredofyourshit** : wait what

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : well that escalated quickly

 **Knockyourwood** : babe, we talked about this before, but are you SURE I don’t have to be concerned??

 **Spiderhuman** : nah mum likes you

 **BlondBitch** : well that just mean we’ve got to be terrified of Neville

 **ExcuseYOU** : honestly? Not surprised

 **CannonBALLS** : im interrupting this discussion for a conspiracy theory

 **GossipQueen** : yes please do

 **CannonBALLS** : theory: some animagi are actually animals who’s animagus form is human

 **CannonBALLS** : discuss

 **ILivedBitch** : yes

 **Tiredofyourshit** : just yes??? That’s hardly scientifically correct, H

 **ILivedBitch** : Exhibit A: Sirius Black

 **Tiredofyourshit** : well….

 **Muffin #2** : what did u witness to ask that question, weasley?

 **CannonBALLS** : well

 **CannonBALLS** : our dear mother

 **Muffin #1** : (hes talking about Minnie, right? Not his actual mum?)

 **Muffin #2** : (yea, or do you think his mom would just like adopt all of us??)

 **Muffin #1** : (I mean… yes?)

 **ILivedBitch** : (yes two)

 **Tiredofyourshit** : (yes three)

 **CannonBALLS** : I mean Minnie by merlin

 **AngryCat** : what did our mother do this time?

 **CannonBALLS** : okay so during lunch I was watching crazy lady

 **Stardust** : have some respect Ronald

 **CannonBALLS** : oh please

 **BlondBitch** : anyone else amazed that weasley actually focused on smth OTHER than food??

 **ILivedBitch** : he once managed to read a whole prophet article during breakfast

 **ILivedBitch** : like he focused on it ands stopped eating and everything

 **BlondBitch** : incredible

 **CannonBALLS** : u know what. I don’t like either of you

 **CannonBALLS** : u both suck

 **AngryCat** : let (clapping emoji) him (clapping emoji) tell (clapping emoji) his (clapping emoji) story (clapping emoji)

 **CannonBALLS** : see??? That’s true support. I like that. I like her.

 **CannonBALLS** : anyway

 **CannonBALLS** : so treelwney sat down next to minnie which is already u know A Mistake

 **CannonBALLS** : traliney then starts talking A LOT and u can just see our mother slowly getting more murderous

 **GossipQueen** : did she already have her morning tea at that point

 **GossipQueen:** u know the one we are 95.6% sure is spiked

 **CannonBALLS** : she had not

 **GossipQueen** : ooohhh

 **Spiderhuman** : uuuhhhhhh

 **Stardust** : I will admit that approaching her before the had The Tea is foolish

 **CannonBALLS** : so tresgnarly poured herself some pumpkin juice at that point

 **CannonBALLS** : still talking

 **CannonBALLS** : and Minnie looks her into the eyes for the first time

 **CannonBALLS:** and slooooowwwlllyyyyy moves her hand

 **CannonBALLS** : and knocks trablawneey’s cup from the table

 **CannonBALLS** : completely stone faced

 **Muffin #1** : that woman a cat

 **Muffin #2** : definitely

 **CannonBALLS** : thank you

 **CannonBALLS** : case closed

 **Fuckoffimreading** : hey btw who’s staying here over winter hols?

 **Fuckoffimreading** : it’s the first time I’m staying so like what happens??

 **BlondBitch** : I’m staying too

 **GossipQueen** : I’m flooing to France with my mother :/

 **ExcuseYOU** : u love france, pansy, don’t play the victim

 **ExcuseYOU** : I’m going home btw

 **Stardust** : I’M going home to and I’m taking my girlfriend with me!!!

 **Thefirstone** : ^^^

 **Knockyourwood** : staying at Hogwarts

 **Knockyourwood** : _@Fuckoffimreading_ nothing much happens, except for the Christmas feast

 **Knockyourwood** : dumblebro gets drunk and becomes like one and a half memes

 **ILivedBitch** : staying, and btw you can join the betting pool on which prof gets the most drunk during the feast

 **Tiredofyourshit** : I’m staying too :)

 **CannonBALLS** : staying three

 **Spiderhuman** : I argued with my mother for like two weeks but I get to stay too

 **AngryCat** : going home

 **KeepHim** : staying

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : same

 **Muffin #2** : same

 **Muffin #1** : same

 **Stardust** : you got to keep the people who are going home update tho!!

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : of course

 **IfFoundReturnToDean** : it shall be our sacred duty to do so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY
> 
> So as you might have noticed, there is now a final number of chapters added. At the moment I'm pretty sure there'll only be 15 chapters, because those sum up the plot which holy fuck how did this fic even develop a plot???
> 
> It could change, but it's more likely that if I end up having more ideas for this """verse""", I'll make this into a series. But who knows, anything can happen. 
> 
> I have read ALL of your comments and I almost cried like you guys love my shitty baby fic so much and I ????? can't handle that but THANK YOU. The amount of kudos and hits and comments is ridiculous but I love all of you. Like you could just comment "one (1) like" and I'd probably tell my grand-kids about it.
> 
> Yeah. Anyway, next update should be up on Tuesday (21. August 2018) so be excited for that I guess.
> 
> LOVE YOU.


	13. Happy Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **CannonBALLS** : chill mate, its just Sirius  
>  **ILivedBitch** : he’s not even a prof  
>  **ILivedBitch** : he’s barely an adult  
>  **Fuckoffimreading** : he just said ‘true’ and sounded really proud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I'm posting a Christmas chapter in August.  
> Someone is to blame for this and it is not me. Someone else. I'll find them.
> 
> Anyway, a little reminder:
> 
> **HalfBloodPrince** = Severus  
>  **ImStupid** = Sirius  
>  **LegallyBlond** = Lucius  
>  **IDon'tKnowHer** = Narcissa  
>  **CatsDoItBetter** = Minerva  
>  **Lemonade** = Dumbles
> 
> Enjoy <3

**Tiredofyourshit** : Merry Christmas everyone, and/or Happy Holidays!

**ILivedBitch** : yea merry chraystmas

**CannonBALLS** : merry chrischtmas

**Stardust** : mery chroistmis

**Thefirstone** : mirry chrystler

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : mary chrayon

**KeepHim** : marry christless

**Knockyourwood** : berry chrstms

**BlondBitch** : literally what the fuck is wrong with you all

**Spiderhuman** : tag yourself I’m #mery croistmis

**GossipQueen** : u just say that bc it vaguely sounds like moist

**Spiderhuman** : how dare u accuse me of the complete truth

**Tiredofyourshit** : I’m so tired of all of you

**CannonBALLS** : we know mione

**ILivedBitch** : sorry mione

**CannonBALLS** : (H were r u??)

**ILivedBitch** : (already omw to the kitchens getting some of That Good Stuff for mione so she forgets how awful we all truly are)

**CannonBALLS** : (awesome thanks mate)

**ExcuseYOU** : are you getting Hermione drunk????

**BlondBitch** : where can I get tickets to that party?

**Stardust** : no by merlin, never get Hermione drunk

**ILivedBitch** : I’m getting Dobby’s triple Cs who was talking about alcohol??

**Muffin #1** : triple cs???

**CannonBALLS** : chocolate caramel cookies

**BlondBitch** : correction where can I get tickets to THAT party??

**ILivedBitch** : I guess you could come with me to the kitchen?

**BlondBitch** : omw

**Muffin #2** : great I’m coming too

**Spiderhuman** : NO

**CannonBALLS** : NOI

**CannonBALLS** : I meant no u fuckers and u know it, don’t fucking start it

**Knockyourwood** : ….

**Knockyourwood** : noi

**CannonBALLS** : neVILLE I swear to MERLIN you damn plant loving gremlin

**GoosipQueen** : noi

**ExcuseYOU** : noiii

**Fuckoffimreading** : noi

**CannonBALLS** : where did u even come from

**CannonBALLS** : do u just lie in the shadows of towers of books until one of us fucks up so u can come out and make fun of us???

**Fuckoffimreading** : …. noi

**Spiderhuman** : AnyWAy

**Spiderhuman** : _@Muffin #1 @Muffin #2_ come back to the dorms we gotta have a talk

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : A talk

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : or The Talk ???

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**KeepHim** : why are you like this

**KeepHim** : show some goddamn dignity

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : bold of you to assume I have dignity

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **IDon’tKnowHer** _to_ **LegallyBlond**

**IDon’tKnowHer** : the fact that we are not inviting Harry for Christmas this year is your fault, Lucius

**LegallyBlond** : How is it MY fault??

**IDon’tKnowHer** : obviously our son has inherited your – and I quote – “weak ass game”

**LegallyBlond** : First of all: I am offended.

**LegallyBlond** : Secondly: who are you quoting??

**IDon’tKnowHer** : that’s irrelevant

**LegallyBlond** : Yes, well, I beg to differ.

**IDon’tKnowHer** : then beg

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **LegallyBlond** _to_ **HalfBloodPrince**

**LegallyBlond** : My wife was already strong enough, why did you have to show her memes??!

**HalfBloodPrince** : the pure desperation coming off from that sentence is hilarious

**HalfBloodPrince** : but anyway, its not my fault

**LegallyBlond** : what do you mean it’s not your fault?

**HalfBloodPrince** : sirius got the idea that befriending my friends would make me like him

**HalfBloodPrince** : that includes his cousin

**HalfBloodPrince** : (you know, your wife)

**LegallyBlond** : Are you telling me my wife has been corresponding with Black??

**LegallyBlond** : This is worse than I thought.

**LegallyBlond** : And it’s obviously still your fault.

**HalfBloodPrince** : idec your suffering is pleasing me

**LegallyBlond** : You are the WORST friend, Severus Snape.

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **IDon’tKnowHer** _to_ **ImStupid**

**IDon’tKnowHer** _sent a screenshot_

**ImStupid** : omg

**ImStupid** : “then beg” omg cissy I love you in a completely platonic but very deep way

**ImStupid** : 10 out of 10 goldblums

**IDon’KnowHer** : thank you, siri

**IDon’tKnowHer** : Though I must confess that I still don’t know what exactly a Goldblum is.

**ImStupid** : yea idk either

**ImStupid** : must be some kind of muggle currency bc they use it to show great worth?? Like flowers made out of gold or smth??

**IDon’tKnowHer** : Well, ‘Blume’ means flower in german, so you could be correct.

**IDon’tKnowHer** : I do hope my husband’s ‘anger’ hasn’t strained your relationship with Severus?

**ImStupid** : are u kidding?? I actually got a kiss on my cheek for introducing you to memes and making lucy’s life hell!

**ImStupid** : this is the best thing that has ever happened to me

**ImStupid** : well except remus and severus obvs

**ImStupid** : and Harry

**ImStupid** : and that weird elf’s chocolate caramel cookies

**ImStupid** : but it’s like very high up there

 

 

**Groupchat**

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : people of this chat

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : I have an idea

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : and one of u gotta give me permission to do it

**Stardust** : why would u ask for permission?

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : so if it goes wrong it’s not only my fault

**BlondBitch** : why would we give you permission to do anything ever

**ILivedBitch** : no

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : really Harry, just ‘no’ that’s cold

**ILivedBitch** : yea well it’s winter bitch

**CannonBALLS** : oohhh  b u r n

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : that’s the objective here, yes

**GossipQueen** : I hereby grant you permission to do the thing

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : YES

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : thank you pansy!!!

**Spiderhuman** : hoe why did u do it

**GossipQueen** : I just wanna watch the world burn

**GossipQueen** : and I’m in france rn so the probability of me suffering consequences is kinda low

**ILivedBitch** : _@KeepHim_ do smth about this

**KeepHim** : seamus, what’s your idea?

**ILivedBitch** : _@KeepHim_ no not that

**KeepHim** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : okay so listen up

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : u know how Hagrid already put up the four GIANT Christmas trees in the great hall?

**ExcuseYOU** : I already don’t like where this is going and I’m not even there

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : so I asked Hagrid what happens with the trees when Christmas is over, right?

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : and apparently he just drags them over to the FF again and they idk rot I guess?

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : this my friends, is a classic case of WPTFTU

**BlondBitch** : I don’t like this. I don’t want to know what that means

**GossipQueen** : what does that mean, seamus? :)

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : thank you for asking, pansy

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : WPTFTU = Wasted Potential To Fuck Things Up

**Fuckoffimreading** : hm

**Fuckoffimreading** : don’t like this

**Knockyourwood** : seamus I’m afraid to ask but what do you plan with the trees

**Knockyourwood** : you better not start anything close to the forest

**Knockyourwood** : plants live there, seamus

**Stardust** : and centaurs, and you know, other magical creatures and animals

**Knockyourwood** : ???? I guess

**Stardust** : priorities, nev

**Knockyourwood** : yes?i have them?

**Knockyourwood** : t h e  p l a n t s

**Spiderhuman** : _@IfFoundReturnToDean_ just say that you don’t hurt living plants. Otherwise this whole thing is a no-go

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : no living plants will be hurt during this adventure

**CannonBALLS** : we still don’t know what you actually want to do

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : right

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : so as I said, the trees are just kinda thrown away

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : BUT!

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : trees can burn

**BlondBitch** : sweet circe, here we go

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : so I’m thinking…

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : drumrolls pls

**ILivedBitch** : *cautious drumrolls*

**GossipQueen** : *excited drumrolls*

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : GIANT BONFIRE

**Tiredofyourshit** : huh

**Tiredofyourshit** : that’s less destructive than I expected

**AngryCat** : ok but consider this:

**AngryCat** : why

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : do I REALLY need a reason to want an epic, 30+ feet tall bonfire??

**GossipQueen** : of course not. Ignore them seamus, they don’t understand your genius

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : im slowly getting suspicious of your enthusiastic support, pansy

**GossipQueen** : :)

**ExcuseYOU** : if you want to make a bonfire, why not use just… firewood?

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : not big enough

**KeepHim** : did someone say ‘big enough’?

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : babe no

**KeepHim** : *takes a deep breath*

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : hoe don’t do it

**KeepHim** : AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : ohmygod

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : you are so embarrassing

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : why do u like stupid memes

**BlondBitch** : u lost me

**BlondBitch** : wtf is going on

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : he’s screaming it in my ear someone help me

**ILivedBitch** : _@BlondBitch_ here’s the [link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvrZJ5C_Nwg): skip to 2:21

**BlondBitch** : ok I’m still confused

**BlondBitch** : are they in pain?

**BlondBitch** : wait it’s only one

**BlondBitch** : how are they so big

**BlondBitch** : those clothes are awful who allowed these hats to exist

**ILivedBitch** : maybe showing u the link was a bad idea

**BlondBitch** : wait there are more pictures at the side

**ILivedBitch** : oh god

**BlondBitch** : what are hobbits? Who took them?

**ILivedBitch** : this was A Mistake

**KeepHim** : Neville just drenched me with an agua wtf

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : A True Friend

**Fuckoffimreading** : sirius says yes to the bonfire btw

**CannonBALLS** : ????

**ILivedBitch** : why did u tell Sirius??

**Fuckoffimreading** : I didn’t

**Fuckoffimreading** : but I’m with dad and Sirius and remus are here too bc idk to woo dad or smth

**Fuckoffimreading** : but dad and remus have been discussing wolfsbane for like an hour and Sirius got bored so now he’s reading all my messages over my shoulder

**Stardust** : aw it’s nice that the wooing of batdad is going so well

**Thefirstone** : also it’s super cool that you are now happy with calling him ‘dad’

**Spiderhuman** : black is reading all this???

**Spiderhuman** : gryffs, do you have any concept of ‘blackmail’ at all????

**Spiderhuman** : no! profs! in! the! chat!

**CannonBALLS** : chill mate, its just Sirius

**ILivedBitch** : he’s not even a prof

**ILivedBitch** : he’s barely an adult

**Fuckoffimreading** : he just said ‘true’ and sounded really proud

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : so we have sirius’s blessing

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : now we just need to convince dumblebro

**AngryCat** : ok, consider this then:

**AngryCat** : how

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : honestly I just figured I’d spike those weird candies he always eats

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : like during the feast this eve?

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : drunk dumbles is a Bro™, he’ll say yes

**Tiredofyourshit** : u know

**Tiredofyourshit** : if we make sure its safe and stuff, it could be actually really cool

**Tiredofyourshit** : it would certainly look amazing

**BlondBitch** : hermione???

**BlondBitch** : why are u making me the responsible Head Student???

**ILivedBitch** : right I forgot that mione really likes fire too

**CannonBALLS** : yea remember when she set batdad on fire??

**CannonBALLS** : good times

**GossipQueen** : we STILL don’t have the backstory for that

**Tiredofyourshit** : I thought he was cursing harry! I had to do something!

**Muffin #1** : granted, but immediately going for murder?

**Muffin #2** : brutal

**Muffin #1** : you have our respect

**Tiredofyourshit** : it was only his robe???? And the fire was small????? But thanks I guess :)

**Knockyourwood** : crabbe and goyle only ever appear in the chat together and its kinda freaky tbh

**Muffin #2** : that’s because i always carry both of our phones

**Muffin #1** : yes, I always loose mine, so he just takes it

**Muffin #1** : and if one of us checks the phone / this chat, the other does too

**Knockyourwood** : makes sense, have a good day

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : ok ok so do I have green light???

**Spiderhuman** : apparently

**Spiderhuman** : how will u spike the candy?

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : idk I didn’t think I’d get this far

**Fuckoffimreading** : Sirius says he’ll help

**ILivedBitch** : ask him if he’s sure he’d risk batdad’s approval like this

**Fuckoffimreading** : prongslet u gotta take risks to have some fun!!!

**Fuckoffimreading** : I have my ways to win back sev’s approval ;) ;) ;)

**ILivedBitch** : BAD DOG

**CannonBALLS** : sirius mate ew

**BlondBitch** : I hate this

**BlondBitch** : how did we end up here

**BlondBitch** : and give my son his phone back you heathen

**Fuckoffimreading** : lol dad just asked him to come and Sirius basically threw my phone back at me and ran over

**Fuckoffimreading** : like that’s just sad

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : _@ILivedBitch_ u gotta give me black’s number

**ILivedBitch** : I feel like that would be unwise

**IfFoundReturnToDean** : no u gotta

**ILivedBitch** : fine

**BlondBitch** : weak, harry

**BlondBitch** : u have to TRADE your information

**BlondBitch** : HOW do u gryffs SURVIVE

**ILivedBitch** : we have our own ways to get what we want, draco

**BlondBitch** : oh yea and what are these mysterious ways?

**ILivedBitch** : you’ll see

**BlondBitch** : ????

**ILivedBitch** : be patient

**ILivedBitch** : anyway u wanna go play a few rounds of seeker game?

**BlondBitch** : uh sorry, but I promised hermione to study potions

**ILivedBitch** : oh

**ILivedBitch** : ok

**BlondBitch** : how about later??

**ILivedBitch** : nah it’s fine … I’m busy later so

**ILivedBitch** : maybe I can just ask ginny

**BlondBitch** : wait I can cut the study short, we can still go

**ILivedBitch** : no it’s okay

**ILivedBitch** : ginny is getting really good anyway

**ILivedBitch** : it will be fun

**BlondBitch** : get ur fucking ass on the field potter

**BlondBitch** : I’ll destroy you

**ILivedBitch** : ha, u wish

**Tiredofyourshit** : ….

**Tiredofyourshit** : I can’t believe I trusted draco to see through this

**Tiredofyourshit** : that boy just cost me 5 galleons

**GossipQueen** : I don’t know if I should be ashamed for draco or proud of harry

**ExcuseYOU** : both? Both is good

**CannonBALLS** : I just hope it happens soon

**CannonBALLS** : bc really, wtf

**Muffin #1** : maybe

**Muffin #2** : but sadly

**Muffin #1** : they’re both just

**Muffin #2** : really clueless

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **CatsDoItBetter** _to_ **Lemonade**

**CatsDoItBetter** : Albus, please tell me you did NOT santion a gigantic bonfire to celebrate the students’ return from the winter holidays

**Lemonade** : new phone who dis

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you hyped for the next chapter????
> 
> I AM!
> 
> You know why?????
> 
> Cause it's called 'Clueless' !!!!!
> 
> I'll let you suffer, but like only until Friday :P
> 
> Thank you for all your nice comments!! It's so funny how so many people say that 'this isn't what I came here for but I guess I'll stay' and they 'didn' know if I'd like this but I love it smh'. You are just as confused as me, I have no idea how I ended up here either! :D


	14. Clueless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **BlondBitch** : just can’t sleep u know  
>  **ILivedBitch** : it’s fine :)  
>  **ILivedBitch** : and yea me neither  
>  **ILivedBitch** : want to talk about it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Direct massage** _from_ **BlondBitch** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

**BlondBitch** : hey

**BlondBitch** : are u up?

**BlondBitch** : … ok apparently not

**ILivedBitch** : wsit no

**ILivedBitch** : *wait

**ILivedBitch** : I had to get my glasses sorry but im up

**ILivedBitch** : what’s…. up?

**BlondBitch** : us, obviously

**BlondBitch** : sorry that was stupid

**BlondBitch** : just can’t sleep u know

**ILivedBitch** : it’s fine :)

**ILivedBitch** : and yea me neither

**ILivedBitch** : want to talk about it?

**BlondBitch** : not really tbh

**ILivedBitch** : ok that’s completely okay

**ILivedBitch** : I don’t like talking about it either so I understand

**ILivedBitch** : so…. Any ideas how we could pass the time

**BlondBitch** : … no

**ILivedBitch** : that isn’t helpful at all, draco

**ILivedBitch** : u are supposed to be the creative one here

**BlondBitch** : wtf gives u that idea?

**ILivedBitch** : uhhhhh those batches from 4th year?? U made them yourself, right?

**ILivedBitch** : Dedication™

**BlondBitch** : oh

**BlondBitch** : right

**BlondBitch** : sorry about that btw

**BlondBitch** : if it helps I was mostly angry that u were gonna be in mortal danger AGAIN

**ILivedBitch** : it’s fine, but thank u for the apology

**ILivedBitch** : and yes, that makes it better, by a lot actually

**ILivedBitch** : you CARE about me :D

**BlondBitch** : I mean … yeah. Obviously

**ILivedBitch** : oh

**ILivedBitch** : I mean right, obviously

**ILivedBitch** : i… me too?

**BlondBitch** : is that a question

**ILivedBitch** : ehm no, no it’s a fact

**ILivedBitch** : definitely a fact

**BlondBitch** : oh

**BlondBitch** : great

**ILivedBitch** : g r e a t

**ILivedBitch** : …..

**ILivedBitch:** it’s awkward again

**BlondBitch** : yeah well u SAYING it doesn’t make it better

**ILivedBitch** : u aren’t making it any easier u know

**BlondBitch** : yes I know

**BlondBitch** : sorry, I’ll let you sleep now

**ILivedBitch** : hey hey wait no

**ILivedBitch** : come back

**ILivedBitch** : I like challenges and who needs sleep anyway

**BlondBitch** : not us because it’s still winter holidays

**ILivedBitch** : EXACTLY

**ILivedBitch** : soo…. 20 questions?

**BlondBitch** : what?

**ILivedBitch** : it’s a game kinda, where we ask each other 20 questions about ourselves

**ILivedBitch** : so we get to know each other better

**BlondBitch** : why is every game u gryffs play basically an excuse to gather blackmail material

**BlondBitch** : but ok

**BlondBitch** : u go first

**ILivedBitch** : oh ok

**BlondBitch** : ???

**BlondBitch** : it’s been five minutes harry, just ask a question

**ILivedBitch** : im thinking!

**ILivedBitch** : ok so what do u think would win in a fight: a troll the size of a flobberworm or a flobberworm the size of a troll?

**BlondBitch** : harry what the actual fuck

**BlondBitch** : what kind of question is that??

**ILivedBitch** : a legit one???

**BlondBitch** : I thought you’d ask smth like what’s your favourite colour

**ILivedBitch** : listen we could pretend we haven’t like watched each other for six and a half years ok but I know your fav colour is silver and ur fav food is caramel ice cream but u pretend it’s bertie botts beans bc for some reason u can smell which ones are good and which are horrible and u like to see ur friends suffer

**ILivedBitch** : do I have to go on or have I embarrassed myself enough

**BlondBitch** : nah thanks u made ur point

**BlondBitch** : uhh I guess the flobberworm would win?? It can just crush the troll.

**ILivedBitch** : kay but the flobberworm would just lie around uselessly, while the troll – though small – would still have its ruthless instincts, would climb the worm and would bash its head with its tiny fists until the worm is dead

**BlondBitch** : …. I feel like this isn’t the first time you thought about this

**ILivedBitch** : nah me and ron once discussed this for like two hours

**BlondBitch** : I wish I could say I’m surprised

**BlondBitch** : but I’m really not

**ILivedBitch** : whatever, it’s ur turn

**BlondBitch** : right

**ILivedBitch** : u remember when u called me out for taking like 5 minutes to think of a question

**ILivedBitch** : its officially been 6 minutes

**ILivedBitch** : I win

**BlondBitch** : fuck off u threw me off with ur question and I had to think of smth completely new

**BlondBitch** : ok so would u rather forever have a hiccup or constantly experience that feeling when u lean back with your chair and you almost go too far and for a second u feel as if gravity doesn’t exist and you are falling right through the ground

**ILivedBitch** : ok what the hell

**BlondBitch** : I might have a hiccup right now and it’s bloody irritating

**ILivedBitch** : cute

**ILivedBitch** : FUCXK

**BlondBitch** : ….

**BlondBitch** : circe, just answer the question

**ILivedBitch** : right. Right, right, right

**ILivedBitch** : Hiccups, I guess? Because while irritating, I think I could get used to it? But that falling feeling is literally horrifying and I don’t think I could like… even walk properly if I always felt like that

**BlondBitch** : I guess I can accept that answer

**BlondBitch** : your turn

**ILivedBitch** : hmm

**ILivedBitch** : if you had a narrator who like tells your story while u live it, and you are the only one who hears them, would you rather the narrator sounds/talks like your mother or like pansy?

**BlondBitch** : oh merlin

**BlondBitch** : that’s both horrible can I vote for instant death instead?

**ILivedBitch** : nah, face ur fear, draco

**BlondBitch** : EVERY moment of my life?

**BlondBitch** : ok then pansy

**BlondBitch** : bc while I think my mother would give great advice and stuff, I would never be able to have sex ever again

**BlondBitch** : and I’m used to tuning pansy’s nagging out

**ILivedBitch** : ok that makes sense

**BlondBitch** : who would you choose?

**ILivedBitch** : as a narrator? Oh god ….

**ILivedBitch** : prob Hermione?

**ILivedBitch** : cause I feel like she would be the kind to just like leave me alone as long as I’m not doing smth really stupid

**BlondBitch** : ok true

**BlondBitch** : u know I never thought id say that but ur friends are actually kinda okay

**ILivedBitch** : ????

**BlondBitch** : I like ur friendship with them. Its obvious that you three really care about each other

**ILivedBitch** : I???

**ILivedBitch** : THANK YOU????

**ILivedBitch** : your friends are great too!!

**BlondBitch** : thank you

**BlondBitch** : wait is it your turn or my turn?

**ILivedBitch** : ….

**ILivedBitch** : fuck it

**ILivedBitch** : my turn

**BlondBitch** : okay?

**ILivedBitch** : ok I’m gonna ask you a question

**ILivedBitch** : and like if you don’t want to answer that’s fine and if it makes stuff awkward, just ignore it, okay? And it’s okay if you say no, because really, why would you say yes????

**BlondBitch** : … okay?

**ILivedBitch** : right

**ILivedBitch** : okay

**ILivedBitch** : here I go

**ILivedBitch** : do you maybe you know want to go on a date with me?

**ILivedBitch** : YOU CAN SAY NO

**ILivedBitch** : I made it awkward right?

**ILivedBitch** : sorry

**ILivedBitch** : you don’t have to say anything just ignore it

**ILivedBitch** : Draco?

**ILivedBitch:** fuck I fucked up right

**BlondBitch** : no you didn’t fuck up

**BlondBitch** : sorry I was just surprised

**BlondBitch** : I didn’t think you’d you know want that

**ILivedBitch** : oh thank god you’re still here

**ILivedBitch** : and of course I want that its like painfully obvious tbh

**BlondBitch** : okay

**BlondBitch** : ehm

**ILivedBitch** : oh god okay I get it really

**ILivedBitch** : its okay, let’s just forget I asked

**BlondBitch** : NO

**BlondBitch** : its just

**BlondBitch** : okay before you panic, hear me out

**ILivedBitch** : too late but I can interrupt the panic

**BlondBitch** : ok

**BlondBitch** : so

**BlondBitch** : obviously, I’d like to say yes

**ILivedBitch** : WAIT REALLY

**ILivedBitch** : ?? !!!!!!

**BlondBitch** : yes harry everyone knows that

**ILivedBitch** : im feeling a ‘but’ coming

**ILivedBitch** : why is there a but

**BlondBitch** : but we only just became friends and I really don’t want to fuck this up I wanted this since we were like eleven and I really like this being friends thing we have and if we start u know dating I would probably fuck that up because I’m me and then we wouldn’t date and we wouldn’t be friends anymore either because that’s awkward and I just really don’t want that to happen

**ILivedBitch** : wow okay

**ILivedBitch** : first of all I feel like u wrote all that without breathing so pls continue breathing now

**ILivedBitch** : ok let me just say that I really like being ur friend too and I kinda wish I had given you that handshake back in 1st year

**BlondBitch** : no u don’t I was an asshole kid

**ILivedBitch** : ok true but I really like being ur friend now, Draco. And I don’t want to give that up

**ILivedBitch** : but I would also really, really like to date you

**ILivedBitch** : so maybe we could just try that and not think about what could go wrong?

**BlondBitch** : but it WILL go wrong

**ILivedBitch** : how can u know that? It could go amazing

**BlondBitch:** bc it’s me, harry, I fuck up stuff like this

**ILivedBitch** : first of all: doubt

**ILivedBitch** : and ok, consider this: im also really, really bad at dating

**ILivedBitch** : like

**ILivedBitch** : so bad

**ILivedBitch** : ive only kissed one (1) person and cho wouldn’t stop crying

**ILivedBitch** : so if we manage to kiss with neither of us crying that’s like already a success

**BlondBitch** : ok that’s just sad

**ILivedBitch** : yea I know

**ILivedBitch** : but please give this a chance? Yes, it could go wrong, but I’m sure we would manage to still be friends. Even if we started dating, we would still be friends.

**BlondBitch** : I just

**BlondBitch** : I want this so bad and it scares the crap out of me

**ILivedBitch** : well, same

**ILivedBitch** : but I think many people feel like that

**ILivedBitch** : and that just means that we both really want this and are already invested in it

**BlondBitch** : okay

**BlondBitch** : yes

**ILivedBitch** : ..?

**ILivedBitch** : yes what?

**BlondBitch** : yes, I will go on a date with you

**ILivedBitch** : !!!

**BlondBitch** : under ONE CONDITION

**ILivedBitch** : anything

**BlondBitch** : (harry, u can’t say that to a slytherin u naïve little idiot)

**ILivedBitch** : (I know, but I got excited. And starting with pet names already, draco?)

**BlondBitch** : ok I want shared custody of your pet dragon

**ILivedBitch** : DONE

**ILivedBitch** : Herbert already likes u better anyway, the traitor

**BlondBitch** : for the last time, harry, u are not calling your pet dragon ‘herbert’

**ILivedBitch** : it’s a perfectly respectable name!!

**ILivedBitch** : he and Bob are best friends!!

**BlondBitch** : merlin save us

**BlondBitch** : no, darling

**ILivedBitch** : oh

**ILivedBitch** : oh I did not think this through

**ILivedBitch** : this is not good

**ILivedBitch** : u have too much power

**BlondBitch** : why do I get the feeling that you are blushing?

**ILivedBitch** : im not shut your mouth

**BlondBitch** : sure, darling

**ILivedBitch** : UGH

**ILivedBitch** : fifteen minutes ago u tried to break up with me before we even started the relationship and now you are already killing me oh lord

**BlondBitch** : lord who?

**ILivedBitch** : what

**ILivedBitch** : oh no, it’s a muggle thing

**BlondBitch** : oh like this god person? And the Chrisis?

**ILivedBitch** : … close enough

**ILivedBitch** : so… can we like … see each other tomorrow?

**BlondBitch** : harry I expect you to pick me up from the slyths dorm and you better deliver

**ILivedBitch** : yeah , yeah sure thing

**ILivedBitch** : just

**ILivedBitch** : for the record, we are dating, right? Because, you know, I like you and you like me and stuff? So

**ILivedBitch** : like

**ILivedBitch** : are you my boyfriend?

**ILivedBitch** : … the time u are taking to answer this tells me that you are way less chill about this than you are pretending to be

**BlondBitch** : rude

**BlondBitch** : but tbh i'm still freaking out about this like 5 min ago I was so ready to give this all up bc I wanted to be the Mature One, but now we are u know actually doing this and it's very overwhelming but I am ready to date the hell out of you like so, so ready

**BlondBitch** : so be nice to your boyfriend, harry

**ILivedBitch** : !!!!

**ILivedBitch** : ok all jokes aside I’m really happy about this

**BlondBitch** : yeah me too

**BlondBitch** : merlin, blaise and pansy will tease me forever about this

**ILivedBitch** : lol same with ron and mione

**ILivedBitch** : oh fuck its almost 4am

**ILivedBitch** : so if we don’t want to look like shit on our first official day as boyfriends (!!!), maybe we should try to sleep?

**BlondBitch** : yes, you are right

**BlondBitch** : goodnight, darling ;)

**ILivedBitch** : ugh

**BlondBitch** : …

**BlondBitch** : you are blushing again, right?

**ILivedBitch** : I aM NOT, shut up

**BlondBitch** : sure

**BlondBitch:** goodnight, harry

**ILivedBitch** : goodnight draco

 

**Direct message** _from_ **BlondBitch** _to_ **Spiderhuman**

**BlondBitch** : so…….

**Spiderhuman** : hm

**Spiderhuman** : don’t like how u started that conversation

**BlondBitch** : ok so I have bad news and good news

**Spiderhuman** : merlin, it's too early for this

**Spiderhuman** : I am not breaking u out of any closets anymore

**Spiderhuman** : once was enough and it was way to symbolic and shit for me anyway

**BlondBitch** : I am not locked into any closets blaise

**BlondBitch** : symbolic or real

**Spiderhuman** : so what happend that u feel the need to text me instead of just talk to me?

**BlondBitch** : ok so bad news first

**BlondBitch** : I kinda broke up with Harry

**Spiderhuman** : ?????

**Spiderhuman** : !!!!!

**Spiderhuman** : dragon dung

**Spiderhuman** : u trying to tell me u were together with Harry „I’m not obsessed with him, Blaise, his hair is just so ugly it’s forcing me to stare at it the whole day“ Potter and u didn’t tell me?

**Spiderhuman** : u trying to tell me u didn’t claim that poor boy in the middle of the great hall so everyone knows he’s off the market??

**Spiderhuman** : u trying to tell me that IF you WERE dating him already, u wouldn’t lose ur cool on the first fucking day and just propose to him like the loser u not so secretly are???

**Spiderhuman** : u trying to tell me u would ever break up with Harry Bloody Potter

**Spiderhuman** : that’s so hilarious Alexa play why u fucking lying

**BlondBitch** : ok WOW

**BlondBitch** :  go off I guess blaise wtf

**BlondBitch** : FIRST OF ALL I would wait AT LEAST until the third date to propose, im not some kind of peasant

**BlondBitch** : ALSO its totally a secret that im a loser, nobody knows about this

**BlondBitch** : …. the rest is Very True so I wont argue with that

**Spiderhuman** : ok then what tf is going on??

**BlondBitch** : ok I should have maybe started at the beginning, my bad

**BlondBitch** : so me and Harry were texting last night bc we both couldn’t sleep and we can do that these days without u know insulting each other and that’s still kinda making me nervous bc I could easily fuck that up so… I might have started rambling

**Spiderhuman** : only u can start rambling over text messages

**Spiderhuman** : just put the phone away and take a deep breath, draco

**BlondBitch** : wait now?

**Spiderhuman** : no u gnome, when u text Harry

**Spiderhuman** : istm draco

**BlondBitch** : oh okay

**BlondBitch** : yeah, it’s way too late for that

**Spiderhuman** : just tell me what happened in all its gay glory

**BlondBitch** : I feel the sudden need to change my user name to GayGlory

**Spiderhuman** : that would destroy any chance u have left with Harry tbh

**BlondBitch** : that could be true

**BlondBitch** : ok. I was texting Harry. And we were doing this 20 questions thing, right? And he might have asked me to go on a date him.

**Spiderhuman** : I KNEW he’d be the one to ask.

**BlondBitch** : but then I panicked and said nothing and he apologized and said to just forget it

**BlondBitch** : but then //I// panicked and I said that u know I WANT to date him but what if I fuck it up so maybe we should just u know be friends

**Spiderhuman** : r u fucking kidding me

**Spiderhuman** : Harry Potter asks u to date him and u say “let’s be friends”

**Spiderhuman** : how do u fuck up this bad

**BlondBitch** : I knowwwwwwww

**BlondBitch** : BUT!

**BlondBitch** : here comes the good news!!

**Spiderhuman** : pls say Harry called ur bullshit

**BlondBitch** : Harry understood my Very Valid Concerns thank u very much bitch

**BlondBitch** : and he has the same Very Valid Concerns

**BlondBitch** : but he convinced me and

**BlondBitch** : now

**BlondBitch** : somehow

**BlondBitch** : I am dating Harry Potter

**BlondBitch** : like. I can all him my boyfriend??? Because????? That’s what he is????!!!!!

**Spiderhuman** : fucking hell draco u could’ve just said that and be done

**Spiderhuman** : I didn’t need to read the whole disaster back story

**BlondBitch** : oh as if u didn’t screenshot this whole convo and saved it in prep for ur best man speech

**BlondBitch** : sorry best person speech

**Spiderhuman** : honestly draco u are a disaster

**Spiderhuman** : but that’s very true

**Spiderhuman** : cause u are my disaster and I am so fucking happy for you!!!!

**Spiderhuman** : who would have thought that ud end up dating the boy who refused The Handshake

**Spiderhuman** : u are an idol for all of us

**Spiderhuman** : except me cause I got a boyfriend before u so obvs I am better at life than u

**BlondBitch** : you should have stopped at “happy for you”

**Spiderhuman** : nah where’s the fun in that

**Spiderhuman** : now can I pls be present when u tell pansy and she realizes u told me first???

**BlondBitch** : ….

**BlondBitch** : oh well, at least I don’t die single

 

 

**The Kinda Ochre More Than Two and Less Than Four –io Groupchat**

**ILivedBitch** : guys

**ILivedBitch** : guuuuyyyssssss

**ILivedBitch** : helloooo?????

**ILivedBitch** : stop ignoring ur platonic boyfriend smh

**CannonBALLS** : this better be good H

**Tiredofyourshit** : what do you want Harry

**ILivedBitch** : im sensing a little bit of animosity here

**ILivedBitch** : and id like to tell you that this is one of the reasons I need to break up with u guys

**CannonBALLS** : what NOOOOOOO

**CannonBALLS** : babe we can talk about this

**CannonBALLS** : bro of my life, pls don’t leave me

**ILivedBitch** : I’m sorry but I just feel like we lost ourselves somewhere along the line

**ILivedBitch** : I still love you, but…  I don’t think we can go on like this

**CannonBALLS** : we can fix this, Harry

**CannonBALLS** : just tell me what I did wrong

**ILivedBitch** : no, bro, no, you did nothing wrong

**ILivedBitch** : you are perfect

**ILivedBitch** : this is all on me

**CannonBALLS** : but… we can still be the bestes of bros, right?

**ILivedBitch** : bro yes bro

**CannonBALLS** : bro

**CannonBALLS** : I love u bro. no homo, bro

**ILivedBitch** : u will always be my soulmate, bro

**Tiredofyourshit** : is your moment over?

**Tiredofyourshit** : do u need me to give you two some space?

**CannonBALLS** : MIONE

**CannonBALLS** : YOU ARE HERE

**CannonBALLS** : I LOVE YOU FULL HETERO

**Tiredofyourshit** : yes, yes I love you too

**Tiredofyourshit** : now H I couldn’t help but really that you said ‘one of the reasons why we need to break up’

**Tiredofyourshit** : care to elaborate?

**ILivedBitch** : ah yes

**ILivedBitch** : so I know I should have broken up with you guys first but

**ILivedBitch** : I saw my opportunity and I was sleep-deprived enough to TAKE IT

**Tiredofyourshit** : omg is this what I think it is

**ILivedBitch** : I can’t believe it either but yes

**ILivedBitch** : this is me telling you two that I have a boyfriend

**CannonBALLS**. Ajdkfafdlkaf

**Tiredofyourshit** : OMG HARRY

**Tiredofyourshit** : WE ARE SO HAPPY FOR YOU

**CannonBALLS** : YES

**CannonBALLS** : like back in September I would have prob cried real tears bc Malfoy

**CannonBALLS** : but know that I know him better, I’m just really happy for you two u know bc Malfoy

**CannonBALLS** : wait u ARE talking about him right

**ILivedBitch** : yes of course??? Who else would I date??

**CannonBALLS** : idek mate, you end up in the weirdest situations

**Tiredofyourshit** : anyway we are very happy for you two

**Tiredofyourshit** : can’t wait for the double dates

**ILivedBitch** : oh god

**CannonBALLS** : mione no

**ILivedBitch** : please no

**Tiredofyourshit** : oh yes :)

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **IDon’tKnowHer** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

**IDon’tKnowHer** : :)

**ILivedBitch** : yes, Madame Malfoy

**ILivedBitch** : I would never hurt him and I am aware that it is an immeasurable honour to date him.

**IDon’tKnowHer** : Great, Harry

**IDon’tKnowHer** : Welcome to the family

**ILivedBitch** : thank youk, Madame Malfoy

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **LegallyBlond** _to_ **ILivedBitch**

**LegallyBlond** : Nothing I could say would be as terrifying as what my wife had to say, so just be aware that I won’t hold her back.

**ILivedBitch** : Noted.

**LegallyBlond** : Welcome to the family, Mr. Potter.

**ILivedBitch** : Thanks, Mr. Malfoy

 

 

**Direct message** _from_ **HalfBloodPrince** _to_ **ILivedBitch** _and_ **BlondBitch**

**HalfBloodPrince** : I am confused about who I am supposed to threaten so

**HalfBloodPrince** : just don’t fuck this up I guess

**HalfBloodPrince** : idk talk with each other and if there are problems go ask remus

**BlondBitch** : HOW does EVERYONE know already???

**ILivedBitch** : draco you kissed me in the middle of the great hall

**BlondBitch** : ha

**BlondBitch** : right, I did that

**BlondBitch** : bc you are my boyfriend

**ILivedBitch** : wow I can almost see your smug ass smile just reading that text

**HalfBloodPrince** : this was a mistake

**HalfBloodPrince** : all of this, every single text in every single group chat was a mistake

**HalfBloodPrince** : leave me alone

**ILivedBitch** : too late <3

**BlondBitch** _named the chat_ **It’s Complicated**

**HalfBloodPrince:** oh no

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sobs* they are so stupid
> 
> I really hoped you liked this, and I think we can all agree that it Was About Time Good Lord.
> 
> Once again thank you for all the love and support!!
> 
> Tell me in the comments how you would answer Harry and Draco's questions ;)
> 
> Now excuse me while I am streaming the Idol MV by BTS and cry about loving myself bc damn it we all deserve to love ourselves <3


End file.
